Saturday October 22, 2005
Today I was supposed to be flying to Barbados and instead I find myself sitting at a desk at the Centre for Mental Health & Addictions. There is so much to write about. I tried to catch up the last time I wrote in a journal, two months ago, but that didn’t work and now I have so many more stories to get down on paper. So for now I will just concentrate on what happened the day before. This journal is for me to be used later maybe?
I definitely seem to be getting signals to write a book. I have been told by a few people that I should and also somehow just know that this is what is destined for me to do. Now my plan is to not only write a book but also to include pictures and artwork that I create. Maybe a book to catch the essence of whatever I am meant to say? The truth will set you free.
I am enjoying my stay here. I think it is the first time in my life, other than growing up with my Mom and Dad, I feel like I am being looked after. The staff here, for the most part, are wonderful caring human beings.
I have a feeling that most of the “clients” I am hospitalized with and I will become friends. We were all sent here for a reason and the puzzle is beginning to make some sense.
It was a wonderful day for the most part yesterday. Number 1 – I got my privileges to go outside as long as long I am accompanied by a friend or family member or someone who works here. It has been two weeks since I have been allowed outside. It felt like bliss. The sky was a brilliant blue, the temperature perfect. How good it felt to have a cigarette outside with my new friends and breathe in all that fresh air and feel the sunshine.
I am so bad at remembering names. Claudia, a beautiful new friend I met here, the social recreation worker (forgot her name,,, why can’t I remember names?) and I went for a walk. I love the area. Very artistic with lots of interesting shops, restaurants and art galleries. After being locked up for so long, I appreciated every second of it.
There are so many things going on in the world and so many things going on in my life.
I am very confused and upset with my family. It is something I still can not write about. I wonder why? I will bring this up with my doctor. Maybe I don’t need to write about it?
I bought a little radio for $1.00 and am listening to CBC. I feel in tune with the universe right now. There are many connections with our group (17 clients). Claudia and I hit if off immediately. It is a relief to finally talk to someone else who is getting the signals the same way I am. There are many special people around here. I am proud to be bi-polar. I really truly am very, very blessed.
I noticed that Sarah keeps her journal with her at all times. I’m going to keep this book open and if or when something interesting happens write it down. I have a feeling these journals will come in use in some way.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
So many things going on – but all is well that ends well. I am finally craving to draw or paint again. Many things happened yesterday.
Monday October 24, 2005
There is so much to write about – good and sad – that I don’t know where to begin.
God has a plan for me. Life is very mysterious. I am happy even though I should feel sad.
Bi-polar and proud. What is wrong with being happy? I can not bear to write about my family. There are scared. Worry is wasteful. We should spend our time being happy. This is why God made us.
I’ve been reawakened. I am getting pleasure again from the little things in life. This is what I am here to learn. I feel very creative and understood here by the group I am with. It’s great to meet people who are going through some of the same things I am going through. We have all kinds of ideas.
I’m looking forward to the CAMH’s Halloween party. I am going as a Club Meds chick (our name for our group) and Claudia is going as a CAMH (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health) gal.
I have difficulty remembering names, like so many people here. We have so much in common. Most of us are people pleasers and intelligent. I feel special to have bi-polar.
I am itching to get my hands on a paint brush.
I am very blessed. Thank you God!!! Today will be wonder full.
“Sunshine on my shoulder makes me happy
Sunshine on my shoulder makes me cry
If I had a day that I could give you
I’d give to you a day just like today.”
Thursday October 27, 2005
Where to start? I feel I have so many options and things to do. My creativity is back. Yesterday Claudia, Christian and I went for a walk and stopped in at Chapters. So many books I want to read and songs I want to listen to. I wonder if there is a Chapters in Barbados?
I’m very excited about going to Barbados now. I remember when the dream of doing something was nearly as good as actually doing it. I’m getting this back.
On our way back we stopped in at an art supply store and I bought some supplies. I tested the pastels and really like the way they colour and blend.
I went to an art therapy session today. We did collages on where we would like to be in the future. I am seeing how technology and spirituality are getting together. We will all save the world.
I am still seeking my purpose in life.
Co-incidences are falling like rain around here. Joe Theriault and I pulled out the same picture (out of thousands) of rock formations down east. When we presented our collage to the class we both joked that it must be in our genes.
I think I have gained a few pounds in here from eating three square meals a day, plus snacks. But I will not worry about it (because worry is wasteful) and when I get to Barbados I will have plenty of opportunity to get into the best shape of my life.
I have met a kindred soul in Claudia and have suggested she come and stay with me in Barbados for a while, while she transitions from this place to the real world. I would enjoy her company. She has so much spirit.
I feel like I am in love with life.
Thank you so much God.
Friday, October 28, 2005
My parents are coming to visit today. It is about time someone visited me. This whole ordeal has me confused. Carol too from the sounds of it. Received emails from both her and Janet. Carol asked if it was ok to visit me with the kids and Jim. Do they think I am in some kind of prison? I would love to see Holly and Courtney. They must be wondering what has been going on also.
I often ponder what Courtney’s wish was? The night we had Chinese take out and Holly and I got the same message, we all made wishes. Holly and my fortunes were identical and the message basically was that we would have a lot of work to do. Courtney’s fortune read something to the effect that her life will be unaffected. I do not know why I believe that whatever is happening in our world will not affect Courtney adversely. Or why I have this feeling that Holly and I will have a lot of work to do? I laughed with Holly saying I thought our fortune was exciting and she said “Yes, but I would rather have Courtney’s”. How much more truthful can you be.
I have forgotten so many little memories that are special to me. I need to journal on a more regular basis.
We are having so much fun here. Yesterday Christian bought some scissors and cut Claudia’s hair. She is going to be cutting hair today and perhaps I will barter with her. In return for a haircut I will make her some home made cards.
I’ve gotten back into my art. It feels good to be enjoying these things again.
I received an email from Debbie, asking me for the keys for my apartment? She knows everything is packed in boxes. For some reason she continually tests me. It is still my apartment. Why does she want my keys?
I am going to go to the Halloween party that is being held in my apartment after all. This will be a good way to break the ice. Should I or shouldn’t I have a drink – that is the question? I don’t need to but it would be nice to have a couple of glasses of wine.
I think I will suggest to my parents that we go out for dinner around here when they visit. My Mom will love the shops. I’m looking forward to seeing them. I just hope that nasty old devil doesn’t bother us. The devil, this is the only way I can make sense of this ordeal. So many unexplainable things have happened.
I continue with the flow. Yesterday was a normal day. No synchronicities to track. They normally happen so often now that it is hard to track because they are falling like rain.
Something that hurt me yesterday was Janet’s email saying let’s just sweep all of this under the carpet and she will try to make it to the family meeting.
Also I gather Dani moved without my furniture. When I see her at the party we can make arrangements to get my stuff over to her.
I am still wondering what my role is in this whole thing?
Smoking has been a God send for me. It gives me the opportunity to talk to other “clients” who have been going through similar situations as me.
“So many things to talk about”. I pasted this onto my collage during art therapy.
Peace, Love, Ohm Shanty
Saturday October 29, 2005
Exercise = lots of walking
Cigarettes = 10 or 15
Diet = Oatmeal, Waffles, Fish, Mash Potatoes, Soup, Steak Sandwich, French Fries, Muffin
Work = 0
Spirit = 8/10
Sleep = 11 – 7
Back to Bridgett Jones. It's good for people with bi-polar disorder to track our moods I have found out. Got another book that I think will be helpful – “A Survival Guide” for people with bi-polar disorder.
I do know one thing for sure though, I must believe in God, because only the truth will set me free.
My parents came yesterday. My second visitors in the 4 weeks I have been held at this residence. Janet dropped by on one of her lunch hours. We had a good visit – not perfect – but we did talk. I remained very calm for the most part. There are still feelings of animosity though. Especially when I mention anything about spirituality? I do not have to listen to them and they do not have to listen to me. But please, please do not blame me being diagnosed with bi-polar disorder on my belief in God. I don’t know how many Godwinks I need to have before they see that I am not lying. I told my Mom I am feeling a bit like Saint Bernadette (lol).
They brought me some presents. My Uncle Marcel and Aunt Louise sent me some new p.j.’s. My parents gave me p.j’s too. So now I can cross this off my list of what I need. I do have such great aunts and uncles. My Mom said Judy and Wayne are looking forward to seeing me in February when they are in Barbados. They call me the princess and treat me as one. It is nice to be pampered once in a while. I realize now that through no fault of anyone I did not get enough of this while I was growing up.
Tonight I’m going to the Halloween Party being held at my apartment. This should be fun and perhaps a way to break the ice with my friends. Dr. Bender thinks it is a good idea and also a good opportunity to discuss what it means to be bi-polar with my friends.
Our group feels that bi-polars have more fun – so I am staying away from alcohol. Who wants a depressant anyway?
Today, Christian, Claudia and I are going shopping for my Madonna outfit. They are going to help me get ready. The whole works, hair, make-up and costume. So many things I am looking forward to.
I have been smoking cigarettes (had quit for a week – but it is such a social thing to do). These are native cigarettes and do not have as many chemicals in them I feel. I’m really enjoying them without feeling the side effects of the “socially” unaccepted ones that will kill you with all their toxic chemicals. This smoking thing really has me confused – kind of like the Debbie thing.
Well compared to what has been happening, yesterday was perfectly normal. What is normal exactly? No such thing I say.
But I did buy myself some beautiful flowers. It is also important that we pamper ourselves. This is what I need to learn. It is ok when our thoughts are connected to our needs and we do need to see beauty and the world is a beautiful place and thank you God for all the blessings you have given me.
Nieces and Nephews
Monday, October 31, 2005
Mood = 9/10
Sleep = 10:30 – 6:30 (eight hours)
Diet = 5/10
Exercise = Lots of walking
Business = Looking after myself
A new Bridgette Jones. Everything is falling into place now.
Yesterday my parents, Carol, Lauren and Amanda came to visit and bring me more stuff. I had to chuckle because Diane keeps on packing me pyjamas. I must now have 10 pairs to wear and the rest are cloths to slouch around in. Anyway I am very comfortable.
I upset my mother again. I was a little hurt when I asked them where they wanted to eat lunch and they said just something light because they had to leave by four as they didn’t want to set stuck in traffic and wanted to get to Diane’s before dinner.
I thought they were spending the day with me? I have hardly had any visitors in the last few weeks. I guess I know why. Everyone is afraid of my moods right now. I have been feeling hurt a lot and sometimes lash out.
How do I separate being bi-polar and what has happened to me. What is real and what is delusional? How much of Mexico was real? In my mind everything was real but my family and friends are not ready to hear this just yet.
I’ve made so many new friends here. We are all connected. So many Godwinks that I have lost track.
I went to Debbie and Andrew’s Halloween party held at my home. I felt a little sad walking into my empty apartment. When I arrived the party had not begun and my old friends were just about ready to have dinner downstairs at Debbie and Andrews. I did not feel like I was welcomed. They were shocked to actually see me show up?
The evening was fun regardless. Claudia and Christian helped me put together my costume. I went as Madonna and so did Dani and another girl. There was lots of Madonna’s floating around, so I decided to be Cindy Lauper instead. We can change so easily.
Seeing all my friends at the party worked out well. It broke the ice. People think I am much more fragile and troubled then I am. I am also relieved to know that I can go to a party and not drink and still be able to dance and sing and leave my inhibitions at the door.
Lauren brought her sketchbook when she visited. What talent that girl has. She wrote an amazing poem. I asked her to send me a copy of it. I would like to put it in my book of scraps. This is where I can put my thoughts.
I am feeling so alive lately. I certainly don’t need a drink. I’m getting high on life. I’m also smoking like a chain smoker but this bad habit connects me to so many people. I have another good friend, Jamie. We have smoked many cigarettes while getting to know each other. He makes me feel good about myself and gives me confidence.
My circle of good friends is growing and growing but I know I have to watch not letting it grow so much that I don’t leave any time for myself.
Funny how things turn out! I could not have dreamt up the scenario I am going through now!
I am slowly getting back into my art. This is also part of my purpose in life – to make beautiful art.
So much to write about. I am very blessed. Thank you God for
Bright crisp fall days
Tuesday November 1, 2005
ALL SAINTS DAY
Exercise = A little bit of walking
Diet = Snacks, snacks, snacks, smoking life a chimney
Alcohol = 0
Mood = 8/10
My Business = Learning
My Spirit = With me most of the time
I have learnt so much over the past couple of months. What I am learning here is how to relax. Now my job is to teach my family how to relax. I guess they think I have acted quite unusual prior to my coming here. Now I have to decipher what was real and what was manic? But I know that many things that have happened were real. Reactions to them were odd. I am now the crazy lady.
I like to write whatever comes into my head. Does this mean I am in a manic state? Now I want to help my family understand.
I talked to my Mom yesterday. Once again we had a stressful conversation. She thinks I am not ready to get out of here because I am disagreeing with mistruths and exaggerations.
Why are they more concerned with trying to prove that I am insane then trying to prove to them that God exists? That is the test God has given me. I do think that everything that has happened to me is pointing me to some direction. First though I need a little rest and relaxation.
Can you imagine my family has so little faith in me that my parents want to escort me to Barbados?
Just came back with Jamie after smoking two cigarettes in a row. Why do cigarettes play such an important role lately? A good role. I end up having great conversations and making good friends through smoke.
We were talking about sometimes having too much choice. Right now I have so many books to read and things I want to do that I just don’t know where to start. So I will journal instead. Maybe I will start a blog when I am in Barbados.
Wednesday November 2, 2005
AND AMAZING IT IS
Amazing Grace how sweet the sound.
This is what Gonzo sang to me in that beautiful cave in Mexico. The picture is coming together. But beauty is everyday the understanding gets clearer and clearer and then it takes a turn and gets clearer and clearer.
This is why this happened – oh now I get it. We are messengers. Now I am sure of it and many of us are bi-polar. There are so many thoughts running through my brain but clearer now.
Tonight we smoked a joint and it all fell together but then tomorrow will come and I may just get another turn or maybe this one will stick for a while.
This was also an amazing day because my family and I are at peace.
Wednesday November 2, 2005
Yesterday was an important day for me. My new friend, Jamie told me this. I am up today at 4:50 a.m. Did not want to go back to sleep. My body clock is not regulated yet but it is getting there.
My Mom, Dad, Diane and Carol came for the family meeting. It was good to show off my family. Everyone commented on what a great one I have.
We both gave and took at the meeting. I came to understand how right they were about some things. I was acting a little odd. Carol will now be the one person who is in charge of my moods and to mention to me that I need to seek help. Dr. Bender asked me who would be the best person for this job. There was no doubt in my mind that it should be Carol. I call her my equilibrium.
The meeting changed a few things for me. It helped me gain clarity. I now decided I will go to Barbados with my parents January 1, 2006. But who knows maybe this plan will not work out according to plan. That’s the beauty of all the mystery in all of this.
Once I knew my parents were going to “let me go” on my own I felt free to go when ever I felt like it. So now it looks like a three month deal not six. But I do know I have to be in Canada in April so coming back in March makes sense. The last time I spoke to Gonzo in Mexico he told me to go to Barbados and relax. I would need to because come April there would be a lot of work to do. This is part of the mystery.
There is so much to say. Journaling is making me sleepy right now. I will wait to write when the world is not working in such a wonderful wacky way.
I am extremely blessed an honoured and in awe. What a wonderful world.
Friday November 5, 2005
I should have brought my old journal with me. Maybe I could understand why my head feels so clear now? It is not filled with all the injustices of the world or all the worry.
Days are becoming more normal now. I am ready to go home even if I don’t have one. Home is where your family and friends are.
Looks like a beautiful day today. The sun is rising now. I think I will go get a cup of coffee and continue this. Everyone looks busy. I can feel the winter coming on. My joints are so stiff. I took a couple of smuggled in advil.
There are so many stories to tell. But I am still writing about nothing. When I spring this joint, I think I will finish what I started “The Artist Way”. This is what got me started on journaling.
Yesterday was a quiet day. I felt very together. My head felt clear.
Tonight we have a little outing planned. Dwight is going to get some more weed. Guess I will replace drinking with pot. The more I think about drinking the more I know it is something I should not do very much of if at all. So there are things to work on.
I received a strange email from Louise, saying that my sisters did not exaggerate some of the shit they said I did. They did. They did. Time to let this rest.
I am blessed regardless.
Ohm Shanti – Peace and blessings.
Sunday November 6, 2005
Things are starting to very much calm down. Yesterday I spent the day relaxing at Janet’s. Mom and Dad were there too. I have been seeing so much of my parents lately. We jokingly said we could use a break from each other. It was Carol’s birthday. We went to the races along with Diane, Lauren, Janet, Amanda and Courtney. Diane won $2500 on the slots. No one got too excited about this because money she has lots of. We did get very excited though when number 4 came in. I had given Courtney my ticket to hold and told her if it won she would get half. She ended up going home with an extra $15 in her pocket. She is going to use this to buy Holly a birthday present. That kid always keeps me entertained.
I must admit I am still a little angry with some of my family members. Mainly, I think because they abandoned me in the hospital with nothing, no cloths, toiletries, books, for so long. Also because they did not trust my judgment about the storage situation with Dani and did what they felt was right. Not what I wished. Mainly though I am angry because I don’t think what they believe is true.
I‘ll get over it but I will be glad to talk to someone about it.
I’m at Carol’s today. Tonight I will go to Diane’s for a bit. I have nothing planned so far but going to CAMH on Monday. There is an art exhibition at the convention center that I am thinking of going to see on my own.
I have my Toltec Oracle at Diane’s. Maybe reading my cards will give me some insight on what to do?
I continually tell my Mom the truth about things that have happened to me. My family is so closed minded when it comes to the unexplainable. My Mom just says she doesn’t want to think about it. I tell her she is my mother, she has to listen.
What has happened to me has some purpose. I really do feel that it is logical that I am some kind of messenger – a modern day one and that come April I will have some work to do. This is what Gonzo told me during my trip to Mexico. The trip I still am unable to write about in its entirety. Perhaps because I do not understand everything myself? It is a mystery. Maybe when I have my laptop I will start writing about some of my unusual experiences. With pen and paper it is difficult. There are just so many that my mind gets boggled.
I have been sketching a little. I am very rusty. Lauren is talented in so many areas. This is where I get my talent from.
Wilson just came in for a scratch. Time to go get a cup of coffee and read my Canadian House and Home Magazine. The little things in life, this is what it is all about. Maybe that is why I am not writing about the big mysterious ones.
I am very humbled by what has been happening. I trust in God … now that is such a relief off of my shoulders.
“Morning has broken”, Think I will buy me a music machine (walkman or ipod?)
Blessings too numerous to count.
PETER GABRIEL : IN YOUR EYES