Well there are no presents to unwrap under the tree. There isn’t even a tree. No egg nog, which I can’t stand anyway or turkey roasting in the oven, or visitors, or Christmas breakfast, or family to share the festivities with. But what we do have today is hope and that gives us joy. The only thing tugging at my heart strings right now though is that I know some members of my no longer family are most likely hurting today.
I am remembering past Christmases when I was growing up. You couldn’t meet a child who loved Christmas more than me. I would start dreaming about it as soon as Halloween was over. As I got older I loved all the little traditions that went along with the holidays, wrapping presents, decorating my home and tree, and the food and festivities.
I realize now though how the simple joys became a pain in the butt. More, more, more. Materialism at its finest hour and all the guilt that comes along with it. What a propaganda tool for selling more stuff and it seems with each passing year it becomes more and more about stuff.
I have a video that my sister in law, Louise, put together one year for Christmas of our family when we’re all very young. I am probably around seven or eight at the time and we are celebrating Christmas. By today’s standards our gifts were few and inexpensive but the joy we had I can still recall very clearly. We are dancing and we dance all day and there are lots of relatives and neighbours who drop by and share our Christmas turkey. The turkey is small but if you just keep adding water to the gravy and have lots of potatoes and my favourite, stuffing and cranberries, there is plenty for all.
And I can see Jack washing the dishes and Beverly drinking a beer and making funny faces and there is lots of singing and carrying on and we look very, very happy. And with each passing year, as the family grew larger and more prosperous there seemed to be less and less joy. Any joy that I could find was found in my nieces and nephews and watching them enjoy the wonders of Christmas when they were toddlers. The last time I really felt any emotion with my family at Christmas was when the triplets were just over three months old and finally all home from the hospital. They were born very premature and that they all survived was truly a miracle. And to see them all together under the tree was the best present anyone could have given me. And I suspect the rest of my family because we all cried. And I wonder what happened to this family who was so close. Look at how far we have come.
Anyway, I don’t want to dwell on the past today. It makes my heart too heavy. I want to dwell on the future. Tomorrow I have a feeling will finally be time to dwell on the present. And this is the best present I could have received. It looks like a done deal and we will have a perfect, I hope, place to get our work underway.
We didn’t get in touch with Shane yesterday. But his uncle Mike called from Florida yesterday evening to tell me not to be concerned if I didn’t get to meet them just yet. Of course, I realized how busy they would be. And today I hear they are having a huge family get together, so it wouldn’t be likely and also we would feel like we were intruding. So as I said to Mike, my guess is we will get together on Boxing Day.
I already feel like I have a rapport with this man. I could also be looking for a substitute father figure and family, since I feel like I have been abandoned. But I do know our higher power has some great plans for us. For all of us. And everything else I will just have to wait and see. But there definitely are some synchronicities here. Shane being a graphic arts web designer… wow now… and from the message on the answering machine Mike has something to do with boats. And what has been Al and my dream and that is to find some way of getting to Mexico and preferably by boat so who knows but maybe there are some connections here?
I slept at least 12 hours last night. A lot of the tension leaving my body. All these emotions can be very exhausting.
Al, Tee and I just finished our hot turkey sandwich. Just as delicious as any Christmas dinner I have had in the past and I don’t feel overstuffed. The restaurant closed at 1 p.m. and Al just got there in time, as usual.
What to be grateful for
1) We have all the time in the universe, we have eternity
2) The kindness of strangers
3) Christmas past
4) Nieces and nephews who I miss
5) My family, Al, Tee and me
December 26, 2008
Resilience
I am feeling a nervous, excited feeling this morning. The kind of feeling I get when I am about to take a trip and I don’t know what to expect. And how I love these kinds of adventures. Another twelve hours of sleep and I feel rested and over the pain of dealing with my so called family. My Dr. Arani once told me he never met anyone was as resilient as me. He made me feel proud of myself. I now remember this whenever I suffer some loss and it helps me bounce back to my usual cheery self. I guess some people would call this being bi-polar.
I am praying to my higher power again today that everything with our new accommodations goes smooth and that either tonight or tomorrow night Al, Tee and I are snuggled up in a new bedroom and our computer is set up and waiting for me to start entering all our adventures in to it. The goal is to have a first draft completed in three months. It sounds very doable to me as long as we don’t encounter anymore interference and I am also praying for this as well. Once we are settled I will also work on finding the perfect lawyer and get back in touch with the Human Rights organization who are working hard in order to expose what the psychiatry industry is really all about … $$$. The root of all evil. This is where all corruption and inequities stem from. This is what holds our world in hostage and makes slaves out of most of us.
Since we have been in Halifax the electricity has gone down I don’t know how many times. Last night it went down again for a few hours around 9:30. When we looked out the window we saw that once again Halifax was left in the dark. What havoc this probably caused for people returning home from their Christmas festivities. Not the end of the world by any means but I am sure it caused a few accidents. And the day before Christmas, just on time for people doing their last minute errands and shopping, it went down for a good part of the day.
Businesses lost lots of business that day. What is so maddening to people out here, according to the taxi driver Al met that day, is that this public utility, that was paid for with tax payers dollars, was sold by government, and I am sure they didn’t ask the tax payers, to some private corporation, who have raised the rates to the roof, are not investing in preventative maintenance and only fix anything once it is broken. He was very pissed off and we all should be. This is happening all over this once great country of ours. Our country is literally being sold right under our feet and is putting most of us in the poor house. I don’t know how much more we can take before we do something about it. I know Canadians are nice people but I am also praying we have some backbone and start banning together against all these inequities. And this is just one small example.
The only ones who can save us are ourselves. This is a message I have heard over and over again. Through research and through common sense and through my higher power. Our higher power directs us but unless we take some action this direction is lost and humanity will suffer and not learn from past mistakes. This has happened over and over again, as is evident by all the wars and havoc still going on in our world today. Never mind still, it seems to me, we are at an all time high.
Least we forget. I think too many have.
Anyway dwelling on it is making me feel low and I don’t want to ruin my day. Time for me to take some action. Hop in the shower and make that telephone call to Shane, if I haven’t heard from him by ten. Because I have had enough suspense for now and I am very curious about our new living arrangements and what this new leg of our journey is going to bring us.
What to be grateful for today.
1) My higher power
2) Common Sense
3) New journeys
4) Having back bone
5) Being Canadian
2) Common Sense
3) New journeys
4) Having back bone
5) Being Canadian
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