Sunday, January 16, 2011

June 17, 2007 ANGER

So now it is finally time for me to write about my hurt, my anger (which I have come to know is why I was depressed).  Anger turned inwards becomes depression.  I have a right to be angry.  I must become angry and yell it out loud and clear.  It will be the only way to save us as a family.  If my family can not hear the truth then they will lose me until they can open their minds to the fact that I have been terribly hurt by all that has transpired over the last few years.

I know, as I have said so often, that their intentions they thought were good.  But I also know that their intentions were misguided and guided by fear, which I have come to find out is put out there by the devil.

This is getting too serious … time for a cup of coffee and the 50th cigarette I will have smoked in my sister’s home because I will no longer follow her rules especially when her rules are different for me then her.  She smokes and drinks in her home.

I will no longer follow the family rule of thou shall not say what we feel in case the other person can’t take it. 

My family must think I can take a lot though because this rule only applies to the rest of the family and not me?  Because, my God, in the last few years I have been treated like some imbecile that does not even know her own mind or what is good for Lesa.

Only when they can accept that perhaps Lesa does know what is good for her and by my making this public you will know that I am no longer afraid to say what I have been trying to say for so long now.

You do not have the right!!!

Also this book is about lessons.  This book is for any mother, father, sister, brother, spouse, significant other who interferes with their sibling, significant other, etc’s life.  You do not have the right to tell someone how to live their life and certainly not how to think. 

Please understand that my beefs are not about you as an individual but about your behaviour towards me… the ones that have caused me to feel so many sorrows.

How many times have I told you I don’t need your help?  All I asked for was your faith in me.

So now to continue with my anger, that has been turned inwards for nearly two years.  It is still difficult for me to write about it.  My heart is beating quickly.  I just took an ativan.  Yes, sometimes I do need a pill or a drink to calm my nerves.  There is nothing wrong with this.  Why do you think wine has been around for so long?  And while I have many beefs with pharmaceutical companies, there have also been some drugs that have been invented that have helped people through turmoil.  These ones need to be weeded out until we find more natural cures.

Once again I am avoiding the hurt.

I will start with a phone conversation I had with my sister, Carol, during my final week at Jean Tweeds, which I now refer to as Divinity School.

It was a very short conversation; we were allowed one 10 minute conversation.  I had used up five minutes talking to my nephew Adam.  Carol and I discussed my going home on Friday.  I mentioned to her that I would like some time to myself because after talking to so many women for so many days I really did need to clear my mind for a bit.  I said I would go to her place for dinner on Friday.  I mentioned to her that I was happy that now I could have a drink.  Her immediate reaction was to question me once again, as my family has so often done in the past.  To not believe me, to think she knows better then me what is right for me.

I was visibly upset but did not have the opportunity to get into it.  It was not the place or the time to vent my anger towards her.

I have to get over this in order to start my new life with no baggage.  Or very little anyway, because perhaps I will need to bring along a few things with me.

One of the counselors, Maggie, a sweet girl who reminds me of a marionette, saw my upset.  She talked to me kindly and I told her that I was disturbed because once again, regardless of what I said, or what professionals have told me, Carol could not believe that I am making an informed decision.  Why would I lie?  Maggie told me it was very important for me to talk to my counselor about this.  I mentioned to her that this involved one of the three goals I had made for the program.

Listen up and listen well.  I did not attend the program, as I have tried to tell everyone over and over again because my drinking was a huge issue.  I was self medicating and I needed to find out why.  And now I know, with out a shadow of a doubt, why I do this. I do this when other people, friends, family, whoever, doctors included, tell me what is right for me despite being me.

No one has the right to try and control anyone’s life.  If you are unable to accept this, and this is how it stands right now with my sisters, and I am not so sure about my parents and brother, and some questionable friends, then you are not allowed in my life.

If you can not accept me as I am, I can no longer tolerate this treatment.  I have just gone through nearly two years of not believing in myself because I listened to so many mistruths.

This will be a very long venting journal.  Also there will be little humour in it because this is not a subject to joke about or sweep under the carpet.  This is my circle’s white elephant and I am daring to get it out in the open.  I am once again being brave and am now self assured enough to know I will not let the fears of others become my fears.

The next day, after this phone call I attended a group therapy session.  Coincidentally the topic was about being hurt.  I did not realize at the time that I still had not gotten over the hurt.  The counsellors were very astute in getting to the root of the problem.

When it was my turn to talk, the whole truth came out on how I arrived at CAMH.  A place now I realize that I was destined to visit, not because I was a danger to myself and especially others.  My God, I can’t even kill an ant, never mind harm myself, but for other reasons that will eventually become obvious.  I knew when I was admitted that I was there for a reason.  I am sure you will find this in my medical records, because it was one of the first statements I made.

How anyone could go along with this is beyond me.  Any one that knows me should be able to see that I have a lot of strength.  However, I am also susceptible to believing what others say.  Another major hurdle for me is to learn is not to care about what others think.  This was the break through that my personal counsellor wanted to hear.  This was my battle scar.  This is my scar that needs to be healed.

I have a feeling that there will be people who will be incapable of hearing this.  So I am now practicing through this journal how to handle these situations.

So the details of how I arrived at CAMH without knowing where I was being taken to came out during the session.  I have mentioned this previously but honestly I thought I was going to a surprise going away party because I was taking an indefinite trip to Barbados.    I now know this was not an unrealistic journey to take and no one should have interfered.  What gave them the right?  But this has become one of those “reasons” or “proof” that Lesa you were really off your rocker.

My God, some of the justifications my family have made to prove to themselves that they were not wrong.  Here are a few of them.

When I first moved into my apartment Janet came shopping with me.  I was very happy and energetic and feeling very creative.  I was on a mission to have the apartment of my dreams.  Well I guess I tired her out because she wasn’t use to walking all day.  I was use to walking miles because I had been checking out the neighbourhood for a few months and enjoyed walking for hours… just like I have always done whenever I have been on vacation.  I do not know how many times this has come up in conversation in order for them to prove to me that I was not normal?

How everything started or where it started is not very clear to me.  But I do know that Carol was researching bi-polar and was in contact with Dr. Arani.  He called me once from home to tell me he was concerned about her interference. 

Perhaps it started when I started voicing my opinions.  I once got angry with my niece Amanda, because she invited a boyfriend over and did not include me in the visit.  I felt awkward and was slightly upset also that she was not contributing very much to chores.  When I wasn’t working I didn’t mind but I had been working in a very stressful environment so I thought it was time for some payback.  After voicing my opinions to Amanda she ran home to her mother and whether Janet thinks so or not I think I was justified in thinking that Janet in this case should have taken sides.  What is wrong with my family?  Why do they not take sides when the behaviour is obviously wrong?  It doesn’t mean they are condoning that person for life.  How was Amanda supposed to learn that people have boundaries that need to be respected if these mistakes are not pointed out?

And this has been done over and over again.  I don’t want to sound like an outcast but all I have heard over and over again from them is how I should lead my life and hardly ever has anyone taken my side when I do not agree with their version of what I should do.

Anyway, my discussion with the group led to my last conversation with Carol and how she did not believe once again what I was telling her.  Even though prior to going to rehab I was told that my self medicating problems were caused by triggers and once I knew what the triggers were Avril thought I would break the barrier.  Why can my family not hear this?  Should I have written a note and pinned it on myself.

When I finished my story, the group wept for me.  I wept for me.

When my sisters visited me at the center I joking told them “bet you I am the only one to go into rehab to find out they don’t have a problem.”   They didn’t say a word, as usual, so I assumed, as usual that they were starting to understand, and as usual boy was I wrong.

How many more times do I have to tell them the truth before they will believe me?  Well this is the last shot.

I am no longer arguing with you.  If you prefer to not believe me that is your prerogative but this time I am not going to believe something only I can know to be true or not.  If I am not treated with the respect that everyone in this world deserves then unfortunately we will both lose sisters and that makes me sad.  But I know now how dangerous it is for me to feel that I do not have control over my own life.

So when I arrived at Diane’s I called Jim to make arrangements for that evening.  Now that I think about it, he sounded like something was up that I was not aware of.   I didn’t think too much about it.  I called again around five thirty.  I had expected to hear from Carol or Janet by then.  I left a message but instead of returning my call I received a surprise visit.

Carol and Janet walked into Diane’s house sans wine.  I was once again hurt and extremely angry this time.  Once again they went behind my back, gossiped, as I have now found out at Jean Tweeds is very dangerous (perhaps that commandant about how thow shall not bear false witness does make sense to me now), and decided between themselves that they were saving me once again.  I am not stupid.    They created the problem, found a solution, and expected to be my saviours. 

Well if you know my family well you would never recall a Friday evening where we didn’t share a bottle of wine or two or three.  But of course they have rules for themselves and a different set for me.

It is not easy for me to write this.  There is a lot more I could bring up about the evening.  But once again I can not bear to recall it.  To say I was disappointed in their reaction would be an understatement. 

This evening was planned despite whatever I told them or whatever proof I have.  It is just too hard for them to admit they are misinformed and are protecting themselves from any responsibility they have played in my life.   

There are bigger fish to fry though.  This is what I have been investigating. 

The day prior to this I was once again brought to CAMH.  I am not certain why my counsellor wanted me to see a physiatrist for a reassessment.  I will have to get my records one of these days.  I was very upbeat and happy during my stay at Jean Tweeds, and I have come to understand now that enthusiasm, or spirituality, may be misconstrued for mania.  Any emotion that is not on the so called “normal” scale.

We waited for an hour or so to meet with a doctor.  Leslie, my counsellor was in attendance during the reassessment.  I answered all questions honestly.

The reassessment took approximately ten minutes.

Shrink:  Do you think of harming yourself?  

Me:  No (thinking why would I want to harm myself?) 

Shrink:  Do you think of harming others?

Me:  No (thinking I can’t even kill and ant)

Shrink:  Does the t.v. talk to you, are you getting strange messages?  (Something to this effect)

Me:  No  (thinking well when the sound is on and  I definitely do get messages)

Shrink:  Are you having racing thoughts?

Me:  No (thinking though I have a lot of creative ideas lately, what exactly does racing thoughts mean?)

Shrink:  Have you spent large amount of money lately.

Me:  No (thinking have been afraid to spend a cent least I end up as a bag lady)

Shrink:  Have you been promiscuous lately?

Me:  No (thinking haven’t slept with anyone for the past two years in fact)

Shrink:  Have you been sleeping irregularly?

Me:  No (thinking I have been on a very strict schedule while at Jean Tweeds.  What does sleeping regular mean anyway?)

Shrink:  Are you unable to concentrate or make decisions?

Me:  No (thinking definite no, I have made many decisions lately)

Shrink:  Are you more social or outgoing than normal?

Me:  No (thinking I have always been social and outgoing)

Shrink:  Are you more talkative or speak faster than normal?

Me:  No (thinking I am normally talkative.  What kind of question is this?)

Shrink:  Have you felt much more self confident then usual?

Me: Yes (thinking but that is the reason I am attending Jean Tweeds)

Shrink:  Have you done anything risky lately?

Me:  No (other than stepping foot in this place once again)

So having answered “No” to nearly all of the questions she asked me what I was doing there.  That was my question also.

First though she informs me that she wants to check my files.  She comes back approximately 10 minutes later and decides she has made a mistake and that perhaps I may be headed for a manic episode???

Well I must say this annoyed me.  How can you basically answer all the questions correctly and then you are told that you are to double up on the medication,  Seroquel, which has made my feet and legs swell, gain a lot of weight, and has given me high blood pressure? 

Is there anyway of proving you are not crazy?  I did not take her advice. 

Being back in this institution brought up many negative emotions.  I felt like once again I was being railroaded.   I started to think back…

Before I finish this journal I want to end off this entry with something that has already given me so much joy.  A present from my parents.  My best present ever and one that makes it easier for me to forgive all the mistruths.

One that makes me even forgive my sisters for once again calling my parents to come and save me. 

My parents brought me a new puppy!!!  This showed me that perhaps they may have some faith in me after all.  And what a puppy he is!  And can you imagine, not too long ago I was mentioning to the girls at Jean Tweeds, that I was planning on getting a dog when I move into my apartment!

TeePoo, a tiny Lhaso Apso, who is the cutest creature you will ever meet, in my opinion anyway.  He is also bilingual and a separatist (rebel), coming from Quebec.  He is smart, curious, kind, energetic, loveable, funny and a definite show stopper.  I always thought I would have a girl but I have a feeling this little male in my life will bring me constant joy and someone to love unconditionally.  Also someone who will love me unconditionally.  He reminds me of me.

June 18, 2007

To say I am a little disappointed in you at the moment is an understatement.  I have had enough.  So read this loud and clear and respect that I have always told you the truth.  I do not plan on telling you any lies now.

First, why I am so deeply disappointed in you is that you would have to involve Mom and Dad in this.  Did you ask me if I thought it was necessary for them to come and "save" me.  What gave you guys the right to think that I need saving in the first place?  I am very confused.   I admit to having a problem with self medicating ... get it guys ,I am drinking because I am trying to get away from something that is bothering me ... something that is smothering me.  You may think what you are doing is with good intentions but they have just gone too far now.  Have you seen how Mom and Dad are so upset and so worried to take sides?  Do you think this is fair to get them in the middle of our problems?  I certainly don't.  But of course it is easier for you to blame my problems rather than yours on this whole fiasco.

You are the ones with the problems.  I fix my problems  ...  you ignore yours ... I have told you countless times that I was not going to Jean Tweeds because I was never allowed to drink again.  I was going there to find our what was my trigger.  Well I unfortunately found out that it is  your trying to control me.  What gives you the right to live my life for me?   What gives you the right to not believe me when I tell you  what professionals are telling me?  What gives you the right to tell me I am manic and deserve to  be locked up in a hospital again because I dare get angry with you? 

Have you ever once felt what it is like for me to have all my family members pointing fingers at me  despite me trying so hard to make a good and happy life for myself.   Do you really think I have done such a bad job?   If you do, I don't really care.  I was so very optimistic and happy before I came here.  Well, that certainly didn't last long.  But don't worry I will get it back.  Because also you have no idea how strong I am! 

How can  you go behind my back, once again, and discuss what you perceive to be my problem.   Why do you think I was so angry!  Once again I am being railroaded into feelings that I should never feel.

Face it guys you jumped the gun also with the bipolar.  You even had  me believing I was crazy.  Perhaps I don't fit into your square box ... but as Dr. Arani told me today, I am just a bit eccentric.  He also does not think I am biploar and if I am it is at a very low degree .   If you can't live with that, then it is your loss.  I refuse to socialize with you under your rules for me.  Take me as I am or don't take me at all because I will not go through another two years of feeling like I am worthless.  All our lives we have drank wine and ate and had a good time.  I don't recall every causing anyone any grief about this.  This is my business not yours.

So to hear that I am not allowed in your homes if I drink is so hurtful to me that I am at a point of maybe never wanting to see you again.  For Diane to give me three days to move out and find an apartment and if all my stuff is not out of the door she will send the rest to good will, is very hard for me to bear. For not one other sister to take me in for two weeks is beyond hurt.   This is the second time I have been kicked out by her.  How you guys forget all of the times I have taken you or your families in, and asked for nothing.  This is beyond cruelty.   You guys should be ashamed of yourselves.     

I will not let you get me down.

I have hand more than enough

June 19, 2007
I am so sorry you feel the way you do, I believe in my heart all of us have done everything in our power to try and help you and support you, obviously you feel differently.
I believe that you do have a drinking problem and that you are bi-polar and that you need professional help, the alternative would be for me to believe that you are the most selfish, ungrateful person I know and that what you are doing to Mom and Dad and to our family would be unforgivable. I can not find it in my heart to believe that.
In saying this I want you to know that I will support you 100% if you want to seek out help, if you don’t then I have no choice but to cut off ties with you until you do.
So until you are taking care of the drinking problem and working with professionals to help you with your bi-polar, in what ever way you choose, I do not wish to receive anymore hurtful e-mails or phone calls.
Please know that this is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my whole entire life.
I wish you only the best.

I believe you are the most misinformed person on the face of the earth.  I will have an extremely hard time ever forgiving you for this email unless you come to understand why you choose to treat your sister as if she is not someone you have known all your life.

What you have been doing to Mom, Dad and I is unconscionable.

I am so disappointed.  I thought we were closer than this. 

You are wrong on all counts and do not even dare to find out the truth in case you are not right.

I certainly do not need your 'SUPPORT"

June 19, 2007






June 22, 2007
Hurtful emails.  What do you think this one is?

I would like you to know that I am at CAMH because they are re-diagnosing me.  They do not think I have bipolar either.  Also I do not have a drinking problem. 

If you still think I am selfish and ungrateful that is your prerogative.  But this has got to stop now.  I can not believe my family is doing this to me.

You have no idea how much this hurts me. You can pass it along.

Good morning all my Jean Tweed sisters,
I am missing some email addresses ... you know how organized I am ... not ... so if anyone can forward me Kate's, Jane's, Ellie's, Irene's it would be greatly appreciated.  Sure I have them somewhere but my stuff is filled in green plastic garbage bags .

Getting kicked out of all my sisters homes  so I have got to find a hotel for the next few days.   Not a lot of difference from how the rest of you are starting on your journey.  Time for something new!

Hope you are settling into your next journey without out too many disturbances.  Boy I have a had a few!  Anyway I well start with the good stuff.

My parents brought me the best possible gift imaginable.  A little wonder (that was my stone!!)  named TeePoo  (translated in French - phonetically Little Flea ) - he is bilingual.  He is a lapso apso, and the cutest pup I have ever seen, and I am not just saying that because I am a mother.  I always thought I would have a girl so this one will bring new challenges to me.  He is so smart, kind, cheerful, full of adventure and very curious .. he is a lot like me (lol)  He will not get much bigger then he is now - a size of a rat - and only makes little hard poos and little barks so I can take him anywhere.  He is my mascot and throughout my current ordeal has been keeping me laughing,

Also, I am quite sure I have found the apartment of my dreams.  A recently renovated house that also has an office and a den so I can write off business expenses.

Planning on moving July 1st and want to have a house and puppy warming party as soon as most of you can make it.  Can't wait to decorate it.  Of course I will have to try and convince him to let me repaint.   I need colour around.

So my Mom and I are going to look at it tonight and afterwards go to a hotel until I can move in.  This is the sad part.  Once again my sister's went behind my back and decided what was best for me.  Once again they did not listen to me and what I wanted or even what I was saying.  I told them many times I was not an alcoholic.  I told them that when I entered Jean Tweed it was to find out what my triggers where and once I found out I would then be able to feel ok about drinking at the proper times.  I was suppose to go over to my sister Carol's for dinner, instead both Janet and Carol come over to Diane's once again to save me from myself.  Jeez.   I really am getting sick and tired of this. 

Anyway I have learnt boundaries and I have learnt that anger is ok.  So I got angry with them and told them that once again they were overstepping their boundaries as they had done so often in the past and now that I have learnt some lessons I know that I have to do what I feel is right, not what they feel is right.  Also I have to learn how not to let their opinion bother me.  This is something I am having difficulty with.  Any suggestions?

My best friend can not even understand how hurtful it was for me to have my sister say to me the very next day when she came home from her vacation that I was to pack all my stuff, and if it was not all gone in three days she would send it off to goodwill and that my other two sisters felt the same way and I could not stay with them.  I am no longer allowed in Janet's house if I have a drink.  Something we have done all our lives but now I am the only one not allowed to do it.

I am trying so desperately to tell them it is not the need for alcohol  and that this is a symbolic thing for me ... that they once again have no faith in MY DECISIONS.  My life is my own to lead and if they feel they do not want to be part of it I feel it is their loss.  What else can I do?  Sure could use some counseling now.  Especially family counseling.  It is very important for me to feel they understand me because to just once again say ok I will do it your way will surely lead me into another depression.  Right now there are too many things I want to do.

They blamed me on hurting my Mom and Dad.  They called them all in a panic telling them I was manic and needed help. They were planning on bringing me back to the hospital.  Can you believe this!!!

And I am the one who gets the blame once again.  See what you are doing to the family  ... it is all your fault ... it is all about you.  So many hurtful things have been said to me and I retaliated somewhat.  I know I should have kept my cool but I have not had enough practice. I tell you at this point maybe I was a little manic .... or a lot mad is more like it ... but you see, if I am either too happy or too sad then something must be wrong.

I will not have a computer until my apartment gets set up so I hope I can hear from you.  I will have my cell phone 416-766-9355 (you can call collect and I will call you back).  I will look for internet cafes also.

Please let me know how you are all doing.  And please let's not break up this chain.  Sometimes it is all we have got.

Love you guys
your sister

O hello Lesa!
What a great pleasure it is to receive news from you this morning!  It is really unfortunate however to hear that things have not worked out well with your family.  Stay strong sister love, tough times never last, tough people do!

I'm currently couch surfing in Kitchener -Waterloo, this is where my greatest supporter of my recovery is, my mom.  I am happy to be back and soon participating in an after care (post treatment) program.  I was so grateful to see Mike again and wonderful things have started to happen, just as the cards suggested they would.
I have to make this very brief because I need to be somewhere and I need to get myself up and ready, but I will be in contact again very soon, I will try to call you by tomorrow at the latest, I would love to hear you and I need to thank you for writing because I did not have your email.

So with much love and hope I will pray for you and I will get some of those addresses to you when I have more time.  Please remember that dreams come true for those who work while they dream! 
xoxox Karina

Hi Karina,
Glad to hear that all is well with you.  Guess I still have a few storms to weather.  Anyway, since there or no other viable options, unless I want to spend $1000's on a hotel I am checking into CAHM.  I think it just may be a perfect place to interview a few people for our website.  Wait till I tell you what my cards read!!!   This thing is going to be bigger than our wildest imaginations as long as we do not give up ... so now I will add on some more to our slogan:

W.O.W. N.O.W.

Let me know what you think.  Getting calls is a lot more possible there ... but it is long distance and I know you are strapped right now but I will be checking my email.  Hope to have my own new beautiful place by August 1.  Denise M will be staying with me for a while.

Can't wait to meet your Mike.  Keep on searching for all those light bearers.  We need all the help we can get.
love ya girl

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