August 1, 2005
Where to start? Has it been only three weeks since I last wrote? So many emotions – up and down and unbelievable and blessed and crazy. I doubt that anyone would ever believe me. I am feeling very confused right now.
When I last wrote I decided to trust in God and give Bob my journal. It was the only thing that made sense to me at the time. There must be a purpose to all these Godwinks or the other alternative was that I was not in my right mind.
Sitting on my balcony I reread the journal from beginning to end and strongly felt that I must have written this for Bob. What else were all these sychronicities between the two of us about?
As soon as I closed the book, I looked up in the sky, which was clear blue, not a cloud in sight when a small shower rained directly on a pear tree outside my balcony. How is this possible I thought? This must be a sign for me.
I trust in these signals but sometimes I think maybe I have been missing something? So I continue to look and time after time I have been reaffirmed that I am most definitely not just imagining things.
I have chosen this direction and would never want to go back. Whenever I start to waiver and feel insecure I am blessed with another sign. It has been raining Godwinks for me. Where all this is to lead I do not know but I have been given many hints.
So many thoughts are going through my head. I have to write some of them down so I can move ahead. I am a little overwhelmed.
After seeing the rain shower I was eager to show Bob my journal and lost any fear of what he would think of me. When he called that evening I suggested he come over. I was impatient for him to read it. I felt strongly that we had some special purpose. I was also thinking that perhaps I had an answer to his financial problems. He could buy his house from his ex and we could live there doing whatever it was that we were meant to do.
This is what I thought would happen and is still yet to be seen. Things are never that simple and not without surprises.
Instead we arranged to see each other the next day. He was picking up his new car which he happened to purchase a few blocks away from where I work. He wasn’t sure what time he would get it. I waited for his call the next day, and of course, once again his call comes in as soon as I flip my cell phone open, just as I knew it would. This now happens on a regular basis, almost like I have control of it?
Bob tells me he would be able to pick me up around five thirty. His Dad was driving him to the dealership and they live a few blocks from where I work. Bob grew up in this area so he is familiar with many of the same places I am. Maybe this is one of those coincidences that are just coincidences but I doubt it. There are just so many connections between the two of us that it defies statistics.
So I wait for his call. Around five thirty he calls to tell me he is at the dealership and will not be too long, half an hour.
I’m too tired to write anymore. Maybe I need a break from all this? Oh, a vacation or going to the cottage would be great right now. I am supposed to go to Blue Mountain with Bob next weekend. I feel emotionally drained, in a good way.
August 2, 2005
Tried getting on the internet in the morning but the lines must be down. Just tried using my land line and it is also not working. So I used my cell to call Bob. There was no answer on his cell and for the first time ever I called his home number but I cannot get a connection? I left Bob a message on his cell asking him if could explain why this would possibly happen?
To continue yesterday’s entry …..
Bob called around six thirty, saying he shouldn’t be long. I heard from him again around seven and he tells me “you are not going to believe this but I locked my keys in the car. This is the third time I have had a new car and something like this has happened.” Ha, ha God winks playing jokes on him too.
It felt like such a long day. I had been anticipating his reaction to what I wanted to tell him and thinking of nothing else. I was eager to get away from work so I decided to go to the park and wait for him there. I am sitting on a park bench when he calls around seven thirty. Once again it is a call that comes in just as I open my cell.
CAA came and unlocked his door. He now has the keys and is on his way. I tell him to pick me up at the park. “Which park” he asks, “Did you pass some condos under construction and is there a church beside them?” “Yes”, I say. “Well isn’t that just appropriate – this is the church where I got married”.
I go to the street and watch him coming towards me in his impressive new sports car. He looks so excited. When he gets out I see his hands are trembling. He shows me every gadget that there is. To be honest, I am a little bored. We discuss what we want to do for dinner. At this point I really wanted him to go straight to my house as I was eager to show him the journal in order to get on with what ever is suppose to happen next.
However, he insisted on taking me out for dinner. We decide to go to an Italian restaurant nearby.
It was a magical evening. The weather was perfect. There was live music. Every song the singer sings is a favourite one of mine. Even though I’m enjoying myself I can’t wait to get home thinking that Bob will read the journal and everything will fall magically into place. I even took the following day off in anticipation of all the planning we would be doing.
Well that’s not what happened. After arriving at my apartment, I left Bob outside on the balcony while I got something for us to drink. I had purposely left the journal open on the balcony table for him to see. He was well aware that there was something I wanted to give him and I figured he would put two and two together.
As I am filling our glasses I hear “Oh no. What’s this?” So I tell him that it’s the surprise I mentioned and to go ahead and read it. Well the damn bastard would not read it. This scenario had never entered my mind.
Bob seemed a little uncomfortable. All he could do was talk about anything else and especially his new car. He did not want to be out of eyesight of his car and was also worried about getting a ticket. We went out for a walk not far from his car. He did say at one point it wasn’t good timing about the journal.
My thoughts were running the gamut. I think perhaps he doesn’t have to read it, he already knows what’s going on.
Well I was brought back down to earth when he left. I couldn’t believe he was actually leaving without reading my journal. I lied in bed imagining he was coming back. When he didn’t I called him. He wouldn’t pick up his phone despite my many attempts so I left him some funny messages. Early the next morning he called just to make sure I knew that he really did have to get up early. So I just left the journal to rest. I would just have to wait and see. Maybe I am too impatient and need to learn some patience?
The week after was pretty normal. Nothing stands out. It was the week before the Karaoke Party (July 16th). Bob had told me that he wouldn’t be able to make it as he was going away on business in Montreal and then taking a short vacation in Quebec. I asked him what his plans were while he was in Montreal as co-incidentally I would also be there on business during this time. I was hoping that we could get together. He was very vague. I try not to feel hurt when he does not include me in his life.
However his plans since have changed and now he isn’t going until after the weekend so he would be in Toronto for the Karaoke party but as his son was taking him out for Father’s Day he wouldn’t be able to attend. I told him I would really like it if he could make it. I wonder why he can’t just reschedule with his son? After all is has been a month since Father’s Day.
I didn’t want him to feel bad and did hope they could get together, but on some other day. I felt it would be special if I was with him July 16th because that is my day of the year that so often something meaningful has happened to me. Unexpectedly, the Friday before the party he called to tell me he could make it after all.
It was a perfect evening. Most of the evening was spent up on my balcony listening to my friends singing below and enjoying each other’s company. Bob and I were told we were unsociable the next day and yes we were. It still irks me that this should bother anyone.
The next day Bob and I spent lounging. He had to leave around two because he had plans to visit his father in law. There was something he wanted to bring him or as he said “believe me I do not want to leave.”
This would be the only time I would see him in the next 10 days. His plans were set and he was meeting his business friends in Ottawa instead of Montreal and was going to Tadousak to see the whales. So there went my dream of him and I spending a night in Montreal together. This happened to be the best thing because I would not have had a relaxed time. Too many things happening with work
Oh, now I remember a few things that happened during this period. How could I forget?
The reason for my trip to Montreal was to attend “cultural training” on how to handle the East Indians who were coming overseas and would be doing our computer programming. It was an absolute joke – a cruel one I thought. Half of my team of eight are from India or of East Indian descent. The Quebec group had gone the previous week and said it was useless but funny. East Indians evidently, according to these consultants, don’t like to joke or be touched. They also warned us that we may have communication issues and that they do not like to take directions from women. Anyway the whole thing pissed me off royally. There is some V.P. that makes very bad decisions. I don’t even want to know who he is. This is happening during a very stressful, crucial part of our project and here they are adding the stress of travelling and we won’t even be working with any of the East Indian crew to begin with. Anyway I have ranted about it enough. It still makes my blood boil.
Another coffee and cigarette... I am feeling a little anxious … something is happening. My phone and internet still are not working?
I had planned to see my parents while in Montreal as I had not seen them since Christmas. I asked my boss, Dave, if I could have a vacation day as I had planned to visit my family and then would meet up with the group.
On the Monday of that week Faisal, my co-worker, was to give a presentation in Montreal. He was acting very strange the Friday before. I asked him if he was tired . He looked very haggard.
The morning Faisal was to give his presentation , Mark comes upstairs and I overhear him telling Dave that Faisal has not shown up. No phone call, nothing. I hear rumblings during the day. Faisal is missing. Not one of my team members says anything but I know we all fear many things. Perhaps he is dead lying in a ditch somewhere, I think. It was worrisome. Finally, at the end of the day, Dave comes to us and says if anyone asks about Faisal that we are to say he has some personal issues he needs to look after. I am slightly shaken. I know now that it is serious enough that his parent’s are picking him up. But I don’t know what happened.
I was later to find out that Faisal had a breakdown. He is still in the hospital the last I heard.
I went home that evening upset. I blamed this on the undue stress that Management is putting on employees; for example, needlessly sending us off to those crazy workshops.
I had a couple of drinks, which has been the case most days this past week and sent Dave an email saying I’m sure we all feel the same about what happened to Faisal and I was willing to get some conversations going with my fellow coworkers to complain to management. Also, I told Dave that he was a good boss, as I am sure he felt some responsibility about this, and Dave is a good boss. Perhaps that maybe instead of looking at it as if Faisal fucked up that there was undue stress put on him and he cracked under the pressure. Maybe this would shake the people up at the top that are making so many ridiculous decisions and not backing out of them because of their pride (EGO!!!).
Anyway nothing has come of it but Dave did thank me for sending that email.
So I arrived at work on the Tuesday and Dave is surprised to see me. “I thought you were going to visit your parents? I told him I was going that evening. “Oh that’s a fast visit” he says. Then I look at my ticket and realize the workshop is on Wednesday not Thursday. I wonder why I get dates so mixed up lately. So I asked Dave instead of a full day off if I could get half a day and I book a flight for Montreal at 1:00 p.m. The traffic was horrendous and I arrived at the airport at 1:00 and didn’t get on a plane until 3:00.
I had a great visit with my family. Roger, Louise my Mom and Dad and I went to our favourite Thai restaurant for dinner. Adam and Andrew were in from Toronto on their first trip ever by themselves visiting my other nephews, Christopher and Steven. When I walked in the door the boys all ran to me and hugged me and told me that they loved me.
I’m feeling a little anxious right now. Something definitely is strange with my phone and internet problems. Called Bell and was told they are not related. I called Janet on my cell. Strange that I couldn’t get though to Bob’s house? Something is odd here.
The following day I met up with my team at the airport and we went to Boucherville to attend our so called cultural training. It was worse then I even thought it would be. I tried to make light because in the whole big scheme of things it is one of the lesser, harmful things going on, I suspect. Actually it was quite comical and gave me an opportunity to let these people know what I think about their duplicitous way of making a buck.
We head back to the airport. The guys are extremely tired. Chris had been moving into his new home the day before and had hardly any sleep and Dave had to wake up at 3:00 a.m. to make this ever so important workshop.
When we are at the airport security gates who do I see standing right in front of me, but my sister’s best friend, Lisa. I have not seen her in months. We looked at each other ... what are the chances of running into the person that you have just made a surprise 40th birthday scrapbook for in line at the airport? She kissed me and told me how much she loved the book. I told her what a pleasure it was for me to do it. We all decided to go for a drink and nearly missed our plane because of it. When we finally looked at the time we saw the plane was due for takeoff in 5 minutes. But it ended up being delayed so we didn’t have to have new tickets reissued and have to explain the additional cost.
The week was more eventful than I originally thought. Wonder why I forgot? There is so much more I could write about but …
And this takes me to week two of this unusual little while.
I am feeling confident. Finally this project is going well, or so I thought. Lots of time to really analyze what would be the best solution for my Manage Marketing Offer use case. I worked on my presentation for my case that Thursday and Friday. I show it to Dave, asking if I am on the right track. Yes, he says. Good. I was planning on taking a few days off the following week and was looking forward to going to Carol and Jim’s cottage with my family.
Dave didn’t say anything when I asked for the time off, but he also didn’t officially approve it? I sent an email to him requesting the time off officially. Still I didn’t get a reply so I had just assumed everything was ok.
I took the train out to Montreal on Wednesday evening. Had a great trip and met a man who I immediately connected with and talked to openly and honestly. He is responsible for designing CIBC Flagship branches in Canada. Design is a big interest of mine and his so we hit it off right away. Our conversation got deeper and deeper and we talked about life and politics. He mentioned to me how much he hates Bush. Anyway we didn’t stop talking the whole train ride. When we were nearing Montreal he pointed out how beautiful the scenery was. “Look at the moon” it was a full moon rising over over the St. Lawrence River and it was awesome to me, so beautiful. I left the train feeling very good to have had a special evening with a stranger.
The next day Dave and I drove to the office and I was still feeling confident about my workshop. No jitters at all … how I have changed … I use to be afraid to say my name in group situations and now I was leading one and not nervous.
I go through my workshop feeling confident. The group has some interesting conversations and debates and I am made aware of some of the challenges I will have. I feel I have plenty of time to work on these and I do not foresee any problems. I know there is still a lot of work to do before August 22nd to get it approved.
When Dave and I were driving back to the hotel he asked me if I wasn’t busy that evening if I would like to go to dinner with him and we could discuss the project some more. We ended up at a restaurant across the street and had an enjoyable dinner together. This was the first time we had gotten an opportunity to really talk to each other. We talked very little about work but a lot about life. He told me about some of the amazing coincidences that have happened in his life.
One special one I recall had to do with his wife. She lost her father when she was a child. She and Dave are living in the same house she had grown up in. She is a ringette player and Dave watches most of her games. When they first met he would often watch the games with an older gentleman who is married to one of Dave’s wife’s friends and he and Dave would chat.
In Dave’s house, in the basement there is a miniature train set that travels though little villages and was built by his father in law. Its Dave’s dreams to one day get it up and running again. Of course it ‘s very special to them, a memento left by his wife’s dad. Dave mentions the train set to his new friend. The man tells him that when he was a young teenager he knew a man who had a train set like that. And doesn’t it turn out that he was a very good friend of Dave’s wife’s father and had helped him put the train set and village together. Now what are the chances of that!
He told me more of the special coincidences that have happened between him and his wife. At one point I said “doesn’t that tell you that you are exactly in the right place you are suppose to be”.
Well I have taken to drinking wine in the morning now. Where I am headed has been disconcerting to me. Right now wine is the only thing getting me through all these feelings.
Now on with my story. The ending isn’t quite as happy as I had hoped it would be. The last week has been a little lost.
I’m drinking wine from a coffee cup. Disgusting I know but I wouldn’t want someone to walk in and see me nipping in the morning. People are worried about me enough.
The next day I held my second workshop. I think it goes well. There is some resistance to some inane things. I still feel we are making progress and I have lots of time to get everything ironed out.
At the end of the day, Geoff, the guy who is responsible for the technical part of our use case asks me if we can meet after the workshop. There are some things he wants to go over with me. I ask him how he thinks everything is progressing and he says “Horrible”. I knew there were still some decisions to make... but … then I look at the date on his project list and see the due date for project. It says July 27th. “Odd” I say, “mine says August 22nd? Well the pieces fell together.
I am supposed to be going to the cottage next week for a few days and my project is due that Wednesday. At that point I didn’t even want to look into it. Geoff was very sympathetic and told me a story about how he recently screwed up a date for a concert he had been looking forward to seeing for over a year. I very much like Geoff. He has been helping me ever since. One piece of advice he did offer me was that when you are working intently and feeling tired you can regain your strength by doing something opposite. I told him how I liked art and how I could get lost in it. He showed me a web site about Mandellas. They are patterns within patterns in many different colours. How I want to get my feeling back for art and try one of these.
Anyway, I felt bad about making such a stupid mistake and thought I had to make amends so I planned to work all weekend.
I had a relaxing train trip back to Toronto and a seat all to myself. I would worry about this tomorrow.
The next day Saturday, working from home, I notice I do not have my mouse with me. I am frustrated now but I will try to muddle through. I log into the system at work. I decide to try my mouse from my other computer. Doesn’t work either. Then I get booted out of the system at work on my laptop so I decide to try to connect from my home computer. Doesn’t work either. It’s impossible to do spreadsheets, graphs, etc. without a mouse. Believe me, I tried.
I was so totally frustrated that I decided to have a glass of wine during the afternoon.
I don’t know why but that weekend on and off I had this feeling of extreme sadness.
Weeks are getting a little mixed up. That weekend I decided to go to Harbour Front with Debbie, Margaret, Louise and Val. We had an enjoyable time. The next day Debbie and Andrew had us for dinner. Inside I was still feeling unsettled.
There were other incidences that happened that week that I nearly forgot about.
I must mention this even though I am beginning to reassess what these God winks mean.
I turned on my computer one day while Bob is away on his vacation and my whole desk top changes. On it are picture of his artwork in his bedroom that mysteriously appeared. These are beautiful little signals but maybe I am not reading them correctly?
The Monday prior to going to Montreal my family came over to my place for dinner. Mom, Dad, Brian, Jim, Roger and Louise (in from Montreal and the first visit to my place) Janet, and my Auntie Donna and Uncle Don from Vancouver. I was happy to see my aunt and uncle relaxing and having a good time. They have had a stressful time lately. We had a lot of laughs. I even walked to the bus stop with them in my pyjamas along with my Mom, Dad and Janet. They took pictures of me. Sometimes I feel you have got to act silly.
When we got back to the apartment I mentioned to Janet how happy I was with how my relationship was going with Bob. Pshhh… or whatever she says but obviously she thinks I am getting into some kind of trouble. Well of course my back went up . I told her about all the coincidences between Bob and I and how I felt they meant something. For some strange inexplicable reason this topic of conversation brought up fear and disbelief with both her and my father. I felt that I was being put down by both of them. Why was it that Janet couldn’t believe that there are unexplainable events in life that happen to everyone? She has had her own occurrences and one of her best friends talks to angels, literally. I believe her and so does Janet. So why can Janet not believe me?
My Mom said something today that may make some sense? Everyone misses the old Lisa. The one who kept her mouth shut about everything. I told my Mom this old Lisa was gone and I was happy she was because she kept quiet about so many things that hurt her in order that people would not worry. My life is much more secure now then it has ever been with Doug. I had found my voice.
So the following week at work I went into Steve’s office (he is the head of the project in Toronto) and ate crow – even though I didn’t have to. Steve met with everyone that day to go over the progress of our case. I was told actually I am ahead of the game compared to everyone else and was given an extension.
That week I also came across an EGO. Someone who was given too much power and can not handle it properly. Dealing with this ego all week had my blood boiling by Friday. He is a typical example of someone who if not contained can wreck havoc in the workplace. The one thing I can not tolerate in people is when they use power for their own means or ego.
I ended up leaving work early on Friday because I was ready to hand in my resignation letter. I may have been overreacting but I wasn’t getting anything accomplished so I just left before I did something I would later regret.
And now comes the hard part for me. The part that causes me tears, pain and humiliation. The part that is embarrassing to me right now.
So I left work early. Bob had left me an email message the evening before asking me to pack my bag, as we would be spending Friday night at his house. I didn’t get this message until I was at work because my home computer was still not working properly. Regardless, I definitely wanted to go home first before going to his place in order to pick up my journal that explained what I thought about our relationship, Godwinks and all. I was feeling a little leery now to show him as he ignored it the last time . The reason why he did not want to read it was weighting on my mind. This had to be right … so many Godwinks. Also, I felt this would be good for Bob’s ego and perhaps give him a possible solution to his financial situation.
What a fool I was. Thinking I could help him with his financial problems and he could keep his house, which he loved. Honestly, I have thought about living with Bob. Yes of course I would like a partner. However, I don’t think I could be happy to live with all his choices. My surroundings are very important to me and the thought of living in the house where he and his wife lived for many years, the more I think about it, would have been a huge mistake.
Ok, I guess I will get to the part that was difficult to understand. It’s strange that I am having such a difficult time writing this.
Anyway here goes.
Bob picks me up at my house. Before we leave he decides to see if he can fix my mouse problems. It is really screwed up. I think I yanked it out in my frustration and broke it. I let him fool around and went and had a cigarette outside. All I am thinking about is what his reaction to my journal will be.
Lately I seem to be able to control funny little things with my mind. It has happened on more than one occasion with computer malfunctions. I just will it to work and as soon as I have this thought it does. Unfortunately it doesn’t work all the time. But it is uncanny when it does happen. It happens that day. I walked into the office area and say to myself the problem will be fixed and voila just as I enter the room the problem is solved.
Bob sees the pictures of his bedroom that mysteriously appeared on my desktop. He asks me how come I have these pictures. Another Godwink I am thinking but I do not say anything.
We went to his house and got some take out Japanese … lemon grass soup, sushi, shrimp and vegetable tempuras, teriyaki chicken, a feast. My mind though is not on the food but still stuck on giving him my journal. For some strange reason I felt compelled to give this journal to him. I now had few worries that I would be rejected, or that this wasn’t the right time. I thought that Bob would be nothing other than flattered after he read it.
After dinner I felt nervous. Maybe a sign I should have read. Finally, I could stand it no longer and insisted that he read it.
It was quite obvious he didn’t want to but I insisted anyway. So we read part of it together and laughed at my silliness. He said it was sweet.
I still can’t understand why I think this is so special and he doesn’t. That is what is hurting me right now.
This should have been a sign to me that I am not. Of course, I’m not because the next day when we continued with the journal, after coaxing from me, what he did say to me when he finished was that he could not say he loved me. That love for him came with a lot of obligations.
He discounted all the synchronicities when I brought them up. He said perhaps I was reading them wrong. Then what do they mean?
I felt hurt. I also now feel that I have been very wrong about what Godwinks are meant for.
I fell asleep that evening feeling upset. I had dreams of soldiers in armoury and everything I am going through mixed in together.
The following day turned to be enjoyable despite my upset. In some ways things are now out in the open. I am hurt by some of the things he said and because for the first time in my life I opened my heart and most intimate thoughts to someone and they rejected it.
Anyway, I could write in this journal how much I have been hurt and how Bob is so selfish and uncaring and some of the things I can not help but honestly feel right now. But I know these feelings are not true.
During the day Bob says he is busy the following morning and will have to take me home that evening. I had an emotional day with him. I did some crying but for the most part controlled my feelings. Bob was very kind. We talked a lot and I put most of my hurt in the background. But I was and still am feeling insecure. I opened up everything to him. I felt rejected.
During the day he asked me why I felt hurt. Was it because he could not say he loved me? Then he told me about the guilt he had for having had so many affairs. How this was so difficult for him. It had nothing to do with me but with his past.
When we went back to my apartment he talked my ear off about many of his inventions. So everything should have been ok. But inside I was not feeling ok. I know the right way to have handled this would be just let it lie. But I have not done that too many times in my life.
So now we come to this week. The week when it all came crashing down on me.
The week of I told you so’s and see what happens when you follow God. It is dangerous. You are playing with things you are not meant to play with.
But I know God is good and kind and that when this is all said and done I will be glad that:
I trusted in God.
Sunday August 14, 2005
Has it only been a week since the craziness stopped? So much once again has happened in one small period of time. I have a feeling this will be a very long entry but an important one. Where to start?
It has been two weeks since I last wrote but the 1st one is a little sketchy in my mind. I spent a lot of it drinking and calling Bob.
After writing my last entry my parents and Auntie Donna and Don came over. I was trying very hard to look normal and not upset. I kept up the charade for most of the day and managed to enjoy their visit. I had made a spaghetti sauce the day before. We had dinner and more wine.
During the evening I had a strong urge to call Bob so I did as I so often do acted impulsively and called him on his cell phone. The conversation was hurtful from what I can remember on both sides.
I remember telling him I was hurt especially when he started talking about me buying a condo. It felt like he was saying that our relationship would never go anywhere. I remember him saying that he was hurt that I said that he was unable to leave his wife. I have known Bob for nearly 2 years now and the divorce is still not final but mostly I think because she would not let go of him. They both still live in the same house. I wasn’t very understanding. He asked me to give him time to muddle through this. I didn’t.
I also asked him if he was blocking my calls on his phone at the house. It is still quite hard for me to understand how the telephone situation works and even if it is possible to block calls. Why did my calls not go through to his home? The only possible explanation was that my number was blocked and this meant that he did not trust me. In the entire time of knowing him I never called his home until the recent events. He did not reply and eventually hung up on me.
My internet and land phone were still not working so I used my cell and repeatedly kept trying.
I should have left Bob alone. But destiny is destiny and I would not be where I am now if I did not follow this course.
During this emotional conversation my Mom walked into my bedroom to tell me my Aunt and Uncle were leaving. I asked her to please get out of my room because it was not a good time for me to talk. I was upset. She wouldn’t leave so I told her about giving Bob my journal, and the Godwinks. She became very concerned.
They were suppose to leave the next day and were trying to insist that I go with them. I tried to convince them that I was ok. They spent the next day with me and I acted as normal as possible. I was still feeling pain because I knew Bob and I were through. I didn’t want to think about my broken heart while they were around. I didn’t want to go back to a job that was driving me crazy. It was a job I should never have taken in the first place.
My therapist once told me that going back to an office would make me very unhappy. I needed at this point in my life to concentrate on my artistic abilities. When I took this advice I was very happy. My family on the other have been very concerned about my money. We have had many arguments in the past about this. Really, was it any of their business! I have looked after myself since I was in my teens. I have always done well for myself despite how much money I was earning.
My parents left hesitantly on the Tuesday. My mother was still very upset and worried about me.
I called into work on Monday and told Dave I would not be in for a while.
My internet and land line were finally working. The Bell guy could not understand what the problem was. Before he even did anything my service came back on.
Once my parents left until that Sunday I spent half of it sleeping and the other half drinking. Drinking however proved to be dangerous because I spent a lot of time calling Bob, leaving him message after message. I acted like a complete fool, a teenager who had broken up with her boyfriend. Well I guess I needed to go through this stage as it was the first time in my life I had ever had a romantic relationship with someone and felt rejection.
I finally came to my senses on Monday and Bob and I had a good conversation. He was at his rental place, now vacated, making plans to renovate so he could move in. No more wine he says. Of course I do not listen to anyone.
I hadn’t taken a shower or turned on the TV the entire week. All I ate were peanut butter sandwiches.
When I finally calmed down I sent Bob an email telling him what I was going through . He has not replied or talked to me since. I sent another email telling him that none of this was his fault. That I had sabotaged the relationship – which I did for reasons I guess I will eventually find out.
I am tying not to feel too foolish or guilty about what I have done. But everything does happen for a reason.
Anyway I have to push on. This is painful for me and right now I do not need anymore pain. I need to heal my broken heart.
On Sunday Carol called and asked me to go there to get away and by this point I was ready.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Ok to continue. Diane and Carol came to my place to pick me up. I packed a bag and got the house in order.
Right now I need to write the next part of this story. I am very angry at the moment and it fits well with this part.
Diane had offered to drive me to a Dr.’s appointment I had made the week before. First we went to her place. My nieces, Holly and Courtney were with us. I was feeling sad and trying hard not to cry. Mostly I felt guilty and embarrassed about the week before and the way I handled Bob. I knew there was no way to change this and I was missing what we did have.
Shortly after we arrive at Diane’s and the kids leave the room Diane starts lacing into me. Carol says she is just saying these things because she is worried about me. I am questioning this because it seems to be the standard excuse for her treatment of me in so many incidences. I am saying to her “Please. I do not need to hear these things now”. She tells me … it’s difficult for me to even remember... but she is saying so many hurtful things. Carol and she think I am bipolar and they start listing all the things I have that that prove I am this way. How I never listened to their advice??? How much I had changed??? How I never did anything with the family??? All bullshit. And on and on and on until I actually start believing them.
My God, this is just what a depressed person needs to hear. I try to get across to them that the job has caused me a lot of stress and grief. I have told them many times how very unhappy I was there. Why would Diane never believe me when I said I was happy? In fact she would get angry with me. And when I wasn’t happy with my job her advice to me was to stick it out.
I don’t know why I need to write about this now. I wrote about this before but now I realize how important the incident that happened a few weeks ago was to me. The evening when my family (whom I never have anything to do with) finally came to visit me for a change. The time I walked to the bus stop with my aunt and uncle in my pyjamas. Maybe this is why they think I am bipolar? This evening occurred just before I decided to give Bob my journal?
As I wrote before, Janet and I were sharing a smoke outside and I mentioned to her how happy I am with the way things are between Bob and me. She gives me that look. Why is it when I tell them I am happy I always get replies that are negative? Like I don’t even know my own mind and whether I’m happy or not? Whose life is this? I was very honest with her. Why did my Dad get involved too?
Also, I mentioned to them that I’m spiritual and believe there is a higher power, and that we are directed by this power. We had a heated discussion about Bob and they called me a religious fanatic because of my belief in a higher power and my belief in synchronicities. This argument went on until 2 a.m. when I finally walked away. Janet said it shouldn’t bother me what she thought. I told her it did. How would she like it if I told her she was crazy and didn’t know what was good or bad or whatever?
My mother stayed out of it until the end when she came outside and stuck up for me. She asked Janet why she didn’t like Bob. Janet tells her because he is still living in his house with his wife. So my mother says to her “Don’t you think people get in this types of situations ... where they have no choice. Divorces like this happen all the time”.
Well I am a peace keeper or have been most of my life (this may change). My mother stuck up for me so I just dropped it and tried to make light of it.
Janet has not been in touch with me once since this conversation. Mom told me she wants to reconnect with me. However, Janet I hear has a list of her own problems. Now is not a good time to try and patch things up and perhaps a good deal of distance is needed before we do.