Sunday August 28, 2005
Another not so normal day – but once again one with much significance for me.
I think it's time for me to relax and try and put things out of my mind for a while. What I needed to do was get into a book. It was my goal to do nothing all day but finally finish “The Way the Crow Flies”. I was very curious to know the ending.
I searched the apartment top to bottom. No book. I have not been out of the house where I could have lost the book. I was just reading it the other day. Anyway I have come to look for signals in life just about everywhere. So I figure this means I am to do something else with my day.
Maybe I should get over my fear of picking up a pencil and get into drawing again. For some reason I am not ready yet. Maybe I should get into another book and there sitting on top of my reading material is Jane Fonda’s autobiography “My Life so Far”.
I picked it up and could not put it down all day. I even woke up at 2 a.m. and read some more. I am half way through it.
There are many truths in this book that relate to many thoughts I have been analyzing lately. I would love to discuss this with someone.
It has opened me up to the enormity of the world problems and it has made me more determined then ever to play some part in it. This is, I know without a doubt, what God is telling me I need to do.
There was a passage in it that made me stop and smile – and say thank you.
“But long about midsummer, just when all seemed hopeless, a coincidence set me on a path to meaning. You have to be ready for coincidences... As Bill Moyers says “Coincidences are God’s way of remaining anonymous”.”
And what page do I realize after wards that it is on but 111.
Now I can not wait to get back to it. There is still the Ted Turner section to read about and of course there is a chapter on synchronicity!
For some reason her book also got me thinking about my relationship with Bob. How thinking Bob was some evil guy preying on women just is not true and very petty of me. I realize now that I am the only one responsible for how I feel in a relationship. This relationship has taught me many things about myself. I still have to watch out for my old co-dependent ways but I also can feel love or am learning how to. And most importantly that I can walk away and still be whole.
Blessing to numerous to list.
Monday August 20, 2005
Yesterday I did not write because I was feeling blue. Many emotions have been going through me lately and the one I am trying to hide from the most is allowing myself to feel sad.
I finished Jane Fonda’s autobiography and did not do much else but sleep. I slept in until 12:30 p.m. then went to bed at 9 p.m. and slept until 7:30 a.m. I think this is the way our minds repair themselves and I am feeling much more optimistic today and am ready to continue with this story.
Saturday – once again I could not put that book down. It gave me such a good understanding of what is going on in the world and why. But for now I will look at this book from a more personal level and take those messages it has given me. Trying to solve the rest of the problems in the world just isn’t going to be that easy to put it I mildly. I have a lot to learn.
“Maybe this was what was happening to me. I felt lighter, as if a space had been cleared around me allowing coincidences (God’s way of remaining anonymous) to manifest. Maybe these coincidences had been happening all along and I just hadn’t been open to them. Now it was as though I were being led to them”.
Jane Fonda is led by coincidence also! This makes me feel not quite so alone in this world.
It has been raining coincidences for me. God is leading me to Barbados. This one I get. Here are some of the Godwinks that have happened since I made the decision to originally put my stuff in storage and take a chance on myself and do what I want to do for my very own reasons.
The morning after I decided I wanted to go to Barbados indefinitely I woke up and noticed a box of pictures had fallen from my cupboard. All of my pictures from my trips to Barbados!
A couple of weekends ago Anita, Louise, Margaret, Dani and a fellow cop friend of hers, whom I took an immediate dislike to (he deserves a chapter regarding his abuse of power and gives a very bad name to police ) were enjoying a BBQ at Debbie and Andrew’s. Dani had been to Barbados recently. She says “I hear you are moving to Barbados”. Of course island music is playing in the background (the director of this story really knows how to make a scene). She tells me that she is planning on going back mid October with her girlfriend who is originally from Barbados. Wow this is great, I am thinking. I will get there and have friends with me. She asks me where I am staying and I tell her Sandy Beach area. She says that there is where her girlfriend is from. Her parents live in this area. Well the hair on my arms went up when I found out that this girl’s parents live on the very same street where I will be staying!
My parents have been renting a quaint apartment; actually it is a converted garage, one block from a white sandy beach, dotted with small palms, rocky crevasses and sparkling turquoise waters. I have stayed in the townhouse across the street. I know people there. This cottage is available and I am renting it for $500 Cdn. a month!
I am flying down with Anita October 14th for $88.
My move will be a breeze.– just a couple of boxes to pack and instead of having to put my stuff in storage it will be looked after by Dani so I feel my connections with the group here will remain strong.
And to top that all off I got about 20 different mix and match bikini tops and bottoms for a little over $100 and they actually look pretty good on me! My shopping angels with me again!
And all the little coincidences in between, to small to mention, but leading me.
I have been blessed. My blessing are many – too numerous to count.
Tuesday August 31, 2005
I woke up in the morning feeling very down and depressed. So much pain about what is going on with my family. But I am beginning to see what this is all about.
Lorraine called when I was having my first drink of the day. We had a long conversation regarding my family issues. I rehashed everything and it just doesn’t make any sense to me and I got off the phone feeling even more mixed up and sad. So I am trying to get through my day the only way I know how to when I am in pain and that is by drinking.
When I am having my 2nd drink of the day, my old boss, Dave, calls. He wants to know how things are going for me and to make arrangements to get some items I have that are Belair’s and get my personal belongings back to me. Coincidentally, two of my girlfriends from Belair are planning on coming by the next day. I had left a message with Dave a while back regarding this but this was his first opportunity to call. Anyway, I did feel better after apologizing for leaving him in a lurch and he said not to give it a second thought.
Dave transfers me to Joane and we make arrangement for her and Ruby to come for dinner the next evening. While we are on the phone Ruby walks into Joane's and says she can not make it. I am glad in a way because I really think Joane and I need to talk alone. She also has had a history of family problems with her sisters. I am looking forward to seeing her.
So that arranged, I once again go to my little bag of journals and pull one out. I never know what I will get but for some reason it is always the one I need to read at a particular time. These journals have been so important to me.
This one was written during my depression, when I was fighting tooth and nail to get my life back together again, not long after Doug and I had split up and I was going through so many changes in my life. I was seeing my therapist, Diane G. during this period. My God, this journal repeats and repeats how hard I am at trying not to drink too much (even though I am hardly drinking) but I am so concerned that this has been a central theme, along with quitting smoking, which I managed to do during this trying time, and of course losing weight. I think I went down to 115 lbs. at that time and people were telling me to gain weight. I have no idea why I have been so hard on myself.
That is not the only epiphany I have while reading this particular journal. There is a section in it where I mention how mad I am at Diane G., my therapist, for saying that it is important that I get away from my family. That I need to be independent. So she is right after all. This is what this is about – fighting for my independence.
Why did I not think of calling Diane G. before that moment? I know I need some counseling. So I immediately picked up the phone and left her a message asking her if she and I could meet.
The ironic part of this is that as soon as I hung up the phone, I get a call. I am thinking it is her but it is Mike, my financial advisor, who also happens to be my brother in law, Brian’s partner.
He is calling to make sure that I know what I am doing by moving to Barbados and the financial implications. He mentions to me that he heard about Diane, Brian and my “lovely lunch”. (This part I am still to angry to write about).
Also he is calling to make sure that because Brian and he are partners it will not affect our relationship. I assured him that this was between him and me. I told him I trusted his ethics and appreciated his call.
I think this is the end of this journal and time to start a new phase. I am starting to feel very unencumbered.
Blessings too numerous to count.
Thank you to all those powers from up above.