Sunday, January 16, 2011

May 25, 2007 SIGNS

Another amazing (oh oh bad word) day yesterday!

Amazing Grace how Sweet the Sound – the song Gonzo sang to me, as he was strapping on the equipment I needed in order to rappel down the side of a mountain (well actually it was a hill) but none the less something I did (very bravely I might add) when I was in Mexico on an “Off Track Adventures” outing with the All Tour Native Group.

You may be surprised that I remember the details.  Well, I never would have if I hadn’t stumbled on a picture of me yesterday rappelling down this hill.  Mexico, so much to write about from that trip!  At that period my mind was a whirlwind of ideas.  I was ready to help save the world and honestly, I felt at the time if it cost me my life to do it, I was ok with that.  I would become a martyr if need be.   Not that I wanted to be, but if that was in God’s plans for me I was ok with it.  I also strongly suspected that he/she whatever God is, had much more fun in store for me.

No time to get into all the details right now.  I have lots to get done today.  Tomorrow is rehab, so I have to get my personal belongings together and I feel I must get the first parts of this book out, to a select few family and friends.  Timing is strange; I have not finished, or will not finish typing this up until the last minute once again.

Anyway, a strange thought occurred to me yesterday.  Something I have wondered about for a while now and now maybe I have a better guess.  During that odd time, Gonzo said something to the effect (there is a lot more that ties into this), that come April I was to have a lot of work to do???  It was a very odd conversation.  But regardless it stuck in my mind so well that I was absolutely positive that come the following April I would know what purpose I had.

Well the following April came and went.  I had just arrived back from Barbados, still feeling depressed and absolutely nothing happened to point me in any direction.

Now yesterday, I had a glimmer, a maybe, a fleeting idea, one that is growing in my mind, but one I do not think I know the answer to, because I am only given clues and sometimes I have been known to go off in the wrong direction.

Something amazed me yesterday.  Once again just stumbling on it and in my mind I said “Holy cow – now this is really a little uncanny”.  I opened a drawer in my bedroom and on top of a whole pile of mail was an uncompleted journal.  One I had forgotten completely about until today.   The first page read:

Saturday October 22, 2005

Today I was supposed to be flying to Barbados and instead I find myself sitting at a desk at The Center for Mental Health & Addictions.  There is so much to write about.  I tried to catch up the last time I wrote in a journal (2 months ago?) but that did not work and now I have so many more stories to get down on paper.  So for now I will just concentrate on what happened the day before.  This journal is for me, to be used later maybe?  I really seem to get getting signals to write a book, from many different people.  Now my plan is not only to write a book but also to include pictures and art that I create.  Maybe a book to catch the essence of whatever I am meant to say.  The truth will set you free.”

I hope you do not think I am making things up (or that my publishers are – I’m no James Frey.  (Though I did think Oprah was a little hard on him).

So this glimmer of a thought is that maybe, just maybe, Gonzo did not mean last April but this April.  During that trip I had told Gonzo that I would be in Barbados for a year so he would have assumed that I was still relaxing that April.

This April I began my journal once again,  that is slowing becoming a book. 

Mexico was also a reoccurring thought yesterday.  Stumbling on the picture of me rappelling and also the picture that Courtney had drawn for me of a plate I had brought back from Mexico for my sister.  Even the Moo hair gel that was stashed in the same box.  The hair gel story is hard to explain, but I met a family in Mexico with the last name MOO.  The men looked like drug lords and I was told afterwards that they were very bad people?

When I got back from my trip, I do what I usually do, run into the bathroom to take a pee and what is staring me in the face but a tube of hair gel .  The brand name is MOO.  I had never seen it before.  Perhaps it was Amanda’s?  I found this bottle yesterday once again.

Now this story of Mexico also ties into two other things I have wondered about.  For some reason smoking is a reoccurring theme.  The mother of this family was smoking cigarette after cigarette.  At this time I was an on and off smoker.  Mostly off.  These people seemed to have a shield around them.  No one other then wait staff would go near them.  They had the best tables in the house, corded off even if I remember correctly.  This was at one of the most popular night clubs in Cancun.  There was an absolutely amazing band playing that had the whole place hopping.

Anyway, to get to my point, for some strange mysterious reason I went up to her and asked her for a cigarette.  If anyone knows me, this is 100% totally out of my character.  But the only word I can say was I was driven to do this.

Without looking me in the eye, which she would not do all evening, she handed me her pack.  I took a cigarette out and then asked for a light.  She signalled “no” to me, again without looking me in the eye.  She handed me her lighter but would not light it for me.  That evening we replayed this scene over and over again.  All I can say is this woman looked so sad, so guilty?  And so much like one of my closest friends, Suzanne!

I couldn’t believe the resemblance.  Coincidently, Suzanne was drawn to Mexico and is married to a Mexican.  She at one point of her life quit her job with Belair and moved to Puerto Vayarta.  She returned a few years later because some times what you dream about is not reality.

All I can also say is that I have never felt so much compassion for someone.  It oozed out of me and I have no idea why?  She certainly did not look like someone to feel sorry for with all her jewels, designer clothes, and being waited on hand and foot. 

This was such a strange evening.  One I could embellish on much more but I do not have the time.  There is another thing I must investigate.  “Smoke and Mirrors”.   Another story for another time.

And who do I get an email from yesterday, but Suzanne, saying “I know I am 2 ½ months late but give me your phone number.  I would like to talk to you.” 

Where do all these thoughts and ideas come from?   I sent an email to the Oprah show.  They are looking for people who are on a spiritual journey.  Who knows?  Who knows?  It is worth a try.

Carol came over last night and I talked to Janet for a very long time on the phone.  I am also preparing them for the next cycle of my life.

Carol and I laughed and laughed at all the crazy things that being labelled bi-polar has brought into our lives.

Bi-polar Person of the Day – Joan of Ark
What to be grateful for - Imagination  

May 26, 2007

I am feeling strong, confident, and maybe even a little cocky.  I am also sneaking a smoke downstairs which Diane politely asked me not to do because of the smell.  But the windows are all open and for some very strange reason I use cigarettes in a defying way?

The other reason is that I’m so hooked on these things that I find it difficult to follow all the ridiculous rules.  Now you can not even smoke in so many places outside.   Why does the government make all these rules but still allow tobacco companies to sell these insidious products at insidious rates?  Most of the money going back to the government in taxes.  So while I am not earning any money I am certainly paying my taxes.

Today is an important day for me.  I’m going into rehab. 

I didn’t get a chance to download the Amy Winehouse song, but I did find a site advertising it with a small demo.  So I sent this along with chapters I of my book, to the women in my life.  Last minute once again.  I find it quite fitting.

Now they can read it at their leisure and now I will be difficult to get a hold of.  This is fine with me, in case there is any negative feedback.

As I have said before, I am directed somehow, but the direction is not always obvious.

I tied up all my lose ends yesterday.  All I need to do today is pack my suitcase.  Something I have had a lot of practice over the last two years.  I can pack everything I need in half an hour and rarely forget anything.

Time for another coffee.  I am going to pack my Happy Buddha that Lorraine brought me back from Japan and my angel, from my friend Barbara in Barbados.  Two of my talisman.

I am also thinking about that journal I found yesterday.  The stab I made to continue journaling during my stay there.  This entry was also found in this journal.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Read through the journal I was keeping during my stay at CAMH.  I was finally brave enough to.  Wow I was sick, very sick.  Now I’m somewhat better but feeling mostly the opposite of what I felt then.  Guess that is why they call it bi-polar.

What a fucking mess.  I need to get my act together and I am not doing a very good job.  I am feeling very anxious about everything and a little hopeless and a lot guilty.

I need to be much stronger.  Push myself to do better.  All I have been doing is avoiding everything.  Pretending.

Even writing in this journal is difficult because I then have to be honest with myself.

I have to be ready to give up my old ways and I don’t know if I am ready for that.  There are so many things I need to do, I don’t know where to start.”

Why did I read what I had written during my stay at CAMH and think that what I had written was truly mad?  Why did I feel so guilty? 

I read the first page of this journal to Carol and my Mom.  Carol said to be sure to include it in my book and my Mom of course said “Lesa you do write well”.  What I told my mother puts some of this into perspective for me.  “These signals are confirmation.  Confirmation that there is a higher power out there”.   And to me that is a very comforting feeling.

It was also great talking to Suzanne.  Suzanne knows many of my secrets.  Suzanne has never, no matter what I have told her, judged me.  And if she has it has always been in a positive light.  After I get back from rehab we made a promise to talk to each other once a week.  Everyone needs one special person to root for us no matter what we do.  I am lucky to have one or two.

When I had gone through various therapy groups, I’m often told that I am lucky to have family and friends that support me.  When I was complaining to my Alcohol Counsellor last year, that I felt unwanted, after being kicked out of Diane’s, she said it sounds to me like everyone is fighting for you.  It did make me look at things in a different light.

So yesterday I tied up loose ends.  I finally did my banking, was in touch with who I needed to be in touch with, before I am incognito for three weeks.

I also did some more research on famous people who have been labelled to have bi-polar disorder and some infamous. I have a feeling that my findings will be very surprising to all.

Now it’s time for me to understand addiction.  The next three weeks will be dedicated solely for this.

Yesterday, I remembered another one of those topics I like to investigate.  Numerology.  Dates and numbers so often have significant meaning for me.  For example, any year that divides by four turns out to be a good year for me?  My birthday is December 4, 1958.

I knew in my heart for years that when I turned 44 my life would be completely different.  I’ve written a lot about this in pervious journals.  And how my life changed at 44.  That was a year of mostly bliss and everything new.

So now I am 48 and I believe that once again this will be my year.
My numerology report confirmed this.  My life hereon in looks very exciting.

I am nearly finished with this journal.  Not enough pages to get through another week.  So today I will purchase another one.  It is odd how often I end and start a journal at some significant point in my life.  When I gave Bob my journal I found it odd that I had been keeping two separate journals.  The one I read to him contained what I thought I wanted him to know.  The other journal contained the other part of my life I didn’t think he would have any interest in reading?  This was not done on purpose.  Perhaps I did it subliminally?

What this all means is my puzzle.  One perhaps I am not meant to finish but interesting to me non the less.  So I will end this journal here.  Once again at an appropriate time in my life.

Finally I am going to learn something that has bothered me since my early 20’s.  Why I drink and why do I feel so guilty about drinking?  I have a feeling I am going to have some interesting insights for myself.

Bi-polar Person of the Day - Robert Downy Jr.
What to be grateful for today – Intuition

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