June 23, 2007
Just read yesterday’s entry I was wrong in assuming that my roommate was a bitch. No wonder she was in such a bad mood. I would be too if I hadn’t slept in five days. A lesson for me not to jump to conclusions.
I am now settling in. I had a wonderful, peaceful sleep and finally feel refreshed and able to begin my journey once again.
I have been thinking a lot about my family and the only way I can make sense of this is that they are not the same people I had known and have always loved. I feel that some evil spirit(s) are trying to make me break down. Why else would my family feel like they are victims and judges? Why would I want to victimize them? I have never done anything besides try to be the best sister I can.
I sent Janet an email in response to her every hurtful one saying she did not want contact with me unless I admitted to being both an alcoholic and having bi-polar disorder. I had no hesitation in replying to her that if she thought I was being hurtful for telling the truth how hurt I was that she was telling a lie.
It makes my blood boil so I will not linger on this. Now I will have the proof my family so needs to hear. I am neither bi-polar nor an alcoholic. I asked her to pass the information around.
Enough is enough and I will no longer spend useless wasted energy trying to prove this. You can take me as I am or not take me at all.
I will keep a notebook with me from now on. Nicole gave me one with three butterflies on it, to jot down my findings. Detective Lesa. I must say I am enjoying this.
I met a lovely woman this morning, Murielle. She is French and also was brought up in Quebec. She is here because of an adverse reaction to Seroquel. Yet one more person I have met whose health is comprised because of this medication. I am eager to withdraw from these medications. The only things I have gained from these drugs are weight, water and high blood pressure. This is depressing to me.
I am here to rest and relax and to finally get to the crux of my problems. I now know my problem stems from trauma.
The trauma of not being believed may be the worst one for me.
I will not give up until the truth is believed so help me God.
What to be grateful for today – God and sending me here.
Bi-polar person of the day – Edgar Allan Poe
Sunday June 24, 2007
Sunday June 24, 2007
Wow Wow Wow and quadruple Wow. Many stories to tell you once again. So many I don’t know where to begin.
I am learning that I do not have to write every single epiphany moment I have because then I will have no time for more epiphanies.
So I will write the ones that pop into my mind first and realize that I still have to type all of this into my brain or computer as Miguel Angel calls it. Each of us has a different memory and how we perceive the world is through all the data that is stored. Our wires may get circuited.
According to Miguel Angel I will continually be gathering more data until I have no need for knowledge. Then I will graduate and be able to lead my life through shear intuition. This rings true to me.
I am learning more and more to trust my intuition.
I met a young man yesterday who is extremely timid. He is here learning not to be shy. Part of his therapy was asking me for a cigarette. Socializing and smoking for me comes hand in hand, and I have just found out it may also be therapeutic! At times I think of it as my peace pipe.
I wonder if it is called the shyness ward? I also at one time suffered from this dis...ease so I will not make light of it. It can be a painful affliction to have.
He told me he desperately wanted to get married. He prayed to God that he would meet someone soon. He felt like a sinner because he felt so much lust. He wanted to marry the first woman he met so he could make love without it being a sin.
He is an Evangical Christian. I’m sure by now you know how I despise these religious groups who put nothing but fear into us. So I told him what I felt. I told him I slept around when I was young and now I knew I was not a sinner because we all feel lust and it was just common sense that a natural feeling could be nothing but healthy. I told him perhaps it was a sin to marry someone you did not know because all you wanted was to have sex. I know I am not suppose to give advice but that young man needs some sense knocked into him or some deprogramming is more like it.
Think I will take my journal outside now because once again my blood is boiling and I need a cigarette to curb my urge to get very angry at all these hypocritical bastards.
I am now sitting at a picnic table outside of CAMH. Just shared a cigarette with Muriel. There is a woman on the other bench who is sleeping. I don’t think I am bothering her?
Talking about Muriel, I read her cards yesterday. Amazing, once again. Everything in them related directly to her life. She now knows what course she has to take in life and I have a strong suspicion it will be to love and take care of her family, because that is what gives us the most joy. Something she has been missing because she has been taught to look for it in a bottle. Her dream is also to look after the elderly and I bet you her dream will come true.
I also read cards for Chris. She is a nurse who has been badly scarred both on the inside and the outside. Well, would you like to hear another God wink? I wonder what the odds of this one are? The four cards she chooses in each of the quadrants were exactly the same ones I choose in the same order! The only difference was that her ruler card was Father Sun and mine was Mother Earth. Perhaps this was more a lesson for me then for her to not think I am special or I should say to know that we are all special and we are all connected. What we see in each other is exactly what we see in ourselves.
Still trying to make sense of all of this. But the more and more I read the cards and the more and more I read the Prophecies the more and more I understand.
It’s a young man sleeping on the other bench of this picnic table. I wonder if he will wake up? He looks very peaceful.
I know I am the one not ready to hear from Bob. Partly, most likely, mainly, because I was weighed yesterday. I will tell you one of the biggest secrets I have. I was finally brave enough to hear the truth, and I know God had intended clearly for me to know this, because I had to get weighed two times in order to get the message. I weight 168 lbs. I have gone from 119 lbs. to 168 lbs. and this has happened to me because of the pills I have allowed myself to take. The doctor I saw yesterday told me “You know you don’t have to listen to doctors.” These pills have caused me to gain 10 dress sizes. I am embarrassed about my weight and am hesitant to believe anyone can be attracted to me. I do not trust Bob enough to think that he will not be turned off by my body.
So I must learn to love myself fully before anyone will be able to love me fully.
I don’t think this will take very long because I know I am beautiful and perfect in the eyes of God.
A man has been staring at me. He commented on how fast I was writing. I blurted out all my huge plans, my book and WOW NOW. He is an assistant program director here and has given me information on CAMH and its services in the art world!
And speaking of the art world! I also read the Toltec Oracle for Nikki. That is not her name but I will call her Nikki because she so much reminds me of my niece Nikki. She is very beautiful and has been in here for a very long time. Last week she overdosed while in the hospital. The week before her best friend died and she was blaming it on herself because she was to meet up with her and did not make it. She was not in her right mind at the time. High from one drug or another. Her life has been filled with so many tragedies. Her lover, the father of her children, was murdered right in front of her. One situation after another led her and her children to seek refuge in a shelter. While she was there she broke a simple rule. Fell asleep during the day and forgot to take out the garbage. They threw her out. She ended up sleeping in her car with her children. The police got involved and because of this CPS took away her children! Because of all the distress in her life she turned to drugs. I know these stories are harder to believe then even the most outrageous movies, but they are the truth.
Her children have been taken away from her to be put up for adoption and she told me she is not allowed to be in contact with them. Who is telling her this? It’s absolute BULLSHIT! We are in the process of contacting the media to see if someone will listen to her story.
Oh, I feel a cigarette craving coming on.
Anyway, she is an artist and also knows how to play the piano very well. I heard her playing “Stand by me”, the same song the happy girl sang to me yesterday. I asked her if she also sang. She told me she use to but could no longer because of all the losses in her life.
I did not feel pity for her because I have learnt that pity devalues us. But I certainly felt so much compassion for the young woman who has become a muse for me. She is also an artist.
I read her cards and her cards told her that she either just had lost or would lose someone very close to her and that this was an honour for her. That she would fly higher than she could ever imagine!
I don’t know why I asked her this, but I asked her it she wrote poetry. I must say I was floored to find out that she has won numerous contests and has been published in numerous countries. Only in Canada has she not been recognized.
I also asked her is she was diagnosed as having bi-polar disorder and her reply did not floor me at all.
Bi-polar person of the day - Alias Nikki
What to be grateful for – Wonders
June 25, 2007
I am sitting again at the picnic table outside of CAMH. I just read the last few pages of my “book” to Murielle. She told me it sounded like poetry. What a beautiful compliment and at what a perfect time.
I now have come to realize I can not just give my stories away as this will devalue them. So instead of putting the whole story on the website we are planning on creating, I will put snippets and send this off to a publisher, who can look after the business part of it for me. I am not interested in wheeling or dealings.
I have every faith in God that this book will be a huge success because as I said before this book is coming through me through God and how can anyone undervalue God?
Also, I will need to make a good income in order to continue to lead the life I have been accustomed to and pay the $1700 rent for the apartment I am going to try and secure today!
Oh, I’m so excited abut it! Rushed to get there yesterday a.m. There was a viewing from 9 to 11. Called my friend Denise, to find out if she was able to get there but she had just put a load of laundry in (she is staying at a shelter) so she could not leave it.
I took a taxi to Danforth and Broadview and checked out the place. I felt rushed. One of my goals while I am here is to learn mindfulness and how to relax about getting things done. In the long run I will enjoy it much more and also will end up being more organized, I hope.
I met with John, the owner of the property. Funny, but he kept on looking at me like he knew me or something? Anyway, I have a feeling I will get to know him, his wife, little girl and gentle dog well because now I want that apartment badly and will call this a.m. as soon as it is a decent time.
It’s an old converted duplex. The building inspector said there are only five like it in the city so it is special, like all of us! It has a huge front porch. I love porches. I will only need to buy furniture for this area because I am planning on spending a lot of time out there. There is a nice common hallway area. Perfect for my friends and my artwork to put on display and try to sell. Hey I am starting to think money sense. You walk into a huge open concept living and dining area with a bay window in the dining part that will be perfect for my beautiful burnt orange settee.
I can picture all of my living and dining room furniture in it. I have already chosen the paint colors. Apple red on the sloped wall that follows the shape of the staircase and once again, my penny copper color that I loved so much in my old apartment, on the other walls in this area.
This room leads into the kitchen that is a perfect size for two to cook in and has an island where I can put my stools. I’m sure it will always be crowded. There is beautiful white cabinetry, some cupboards with glass doors. All appliances, even a dish washer. This area I will paint apple green. I will also have my very own laundry area on the main floor so I can fold my laundry on my eight foot dinging table. Laundry will no longer be a chore.
On the main floor there is also a powder room. One of the features I love best is the back garden. A nice manageable size, with a deck and interlocking brick, so no grass to cut, just beautiful flowers to attend to. There is a huge old fashioned garage and I have access to two parking spaces in it. The garage could also be used for storage and a place for me to do my messy artwork!
There are two bedrooms located on the lower level. It is in the basement but has above ground windows so it is nice and bright. Oh, I forgot to mention that there are ten foot ceilings on the upper level. The bedrooms are not large but I prefer small cocoon like spaces when I am resting. Also the other bedroom will make a good size office for me.
There is a beautiful bathroom with a Jacuzzi tub, perfect for salt baths. I do miss my salt baths. It is painted in a gorgeous blue. I think I will use a silvery blue, green colour scheme downstairs with touches of apple red to keep it warm.
One of my passions is to decorate and I can’t wait to get my hands on this place.
I was hesitant to take this place at first because, originally I planned to share it with Denise and wasn’t sure if there would be enough room for all my furniture that I love.
I stopped myself from signing on the spot. Something I often do. I scored 100% on impulsivity on a behavioural test I once took. This is something I also have to figure out if it is a good thing or a bad thing. I think once I can trust my intuition it will be a great thing. Anyway, I don’t recall it getting me in too much trouble in the past.
Yesterday I did realize that perhaps immediately saying yes to Denise (she only asked to share accommodations for a short term) to become my roommate was not in my best interest. I was once again putting myself second. Because what I have been yearning for is a place that is 100% my own. And now I have Teepoo to share it with me!
Anyway, what absolutely sold me on the place was this. I took a little walk down the street and right in front of my new home is a huge open space that is in a valley. There a seven tennis courts and a huge public swimming pool. Now if this isn’t reason enough to love it, when I looked out over the area I saw the most incredible view of our beautiful city with the CN Tower shining in the distance. I could just picture myself sitting out on my porch in the evening taking in this wondrous sight. Wow Wow Wow and quadruple Wow. By the way I think this area may be Rosedale?
I am so excited abut this. I could not stop dreaming and planning last night so I had to give in and take a sleeping pill to quiet my brain so I could finally fall asleep.
Denise was to meet me in front of the library at noon. I went over there to find out if is closed on Sundays all summer. Well this very much annoyed me! So I wrote them a note and put it in the book return slot. One person after another came in the fifty minutes I waited for Denise so I decided to start a petition and have people sign it. Surprising how so many people are afraid to sign a petition for their rights? After all it is us who pay tax dollars for our amenities and having libraries closed during the time of year and day that most people can visit makes no sense to me.
I met one evil guy who showed me a watchtower magazine and started bad mouthing gays and lesbians (it was Gay Pride day yesterday). He started using obscenities that were so disgusting that I told him politely to go take a hike. Once again organized religion used to scare people with their mistruth. This guy was probably not evil, most likely a homosexual and not able to come to terms with it because he has been filled with rubbish.
More coincidences in the star yesterday. Some interesting articles on a number of new books that have come out recently putting down these insipid organizations and also on statistics concerning gay and lesbians. We still have a way to go in both areas.
But thank God there are many others out there like me because it is just too draining for one not so crazy, just a little eccentric, who no longer needs booze to curb her anger at all the injustices of the world gal. Who is beautiful and kind no matter what her dress size is.
So many things to tell you. Can you believe I have written all of this in under an hour and it’s only half of what I want to get out on paper today? But one of our lessons today is journal writing so I will put my pen down for now and continue with my journeys of yesterday later.