May 4, 2007
I am feeling so up this morning it’s hard for me to contain myself (another manic sign). Kind of sad that I have to worry about being happy. Once again I stayed up late (1:00 a.m.) just filled with ideas and having a quest for knowledge.
Visited Rosie’s blog and there is some scary stuff out there. I have been looking up the information regarding the World Trade Center collapse and it certainly does look suspicious. Could there possibly have been government conspiracy? What a scary thought. How I dislike Bush. I think the man is evil and wouldn’t put anything past him.
Just before I was diagnosed with being bi-polar I was obsessed about getting this point across. My other big beef was the media. I honestly think it’s run by a lot of very powerful men that only have their own altruistic ego’s in mind, not to mention their pocketbooks, and this can be very dangerous.
I have been up for an hour and am now on my 4th cigarette.
Good day yesterday. It has been recommended that I keep track of my moods.
I relish the feeling of having lots on the go. I know some people would think that much of what I do is trivial but “if it makes you happy”. I have been so unhappy the last few years of my life. There is a bright side to this. I am really starting to appreciate the good days. Just like I hate the dreary winters but love the spring.
I did my Oprah layout. Personally, I got a kick out of it and am going to submit it even if I get negative comments from my critics. I think it’s important for me to have faith in myself. How can other people have faith in me if I don’t believe in myself?
Took a lot of photo editing to get a stand alone picture of myself and Oprah. I meshed the two pictures together and it really does look like she is introducing me to an audience. See how easy it is to fool the eye. My secret wishes … Nobel Peace Prize Winner, author, artist and Queen of the Crop. Of course I used an old picture of me before I gained 40 lbs. But this is my secret to keep.
Went for group therapy yesterday, or as Debbie commented, to group therapy... is one wrong? Met up with a few of the women I was introduced to last week. I should try and remember their names. One of them gave me a big hug. They all seem to be warn and beaten down by life, one way or another. So many stories to tell in that room. The topic this week was on spirituality, a topic I am eager to discuss with people who do not know me (I got in a lot of trouble discussing this with my family before being diagnosed with bipolar disorder). Everyone in the room had their own take on what it meant but also we had many similarities. There was not one person who believed any specific faith made any sense and there were many negative comments on the Catholic religion. The comment was made that Catholics are made to feel guilty about so much we should not feel guilty about. Like God keeps a tally list on everyone to see if you are worthy or not of getting into heaven and of course you must also be a good Catholic to do so.
My comment was that I don’t think there is any one person in this whole wide world that has a direct line to God. No one really knows what God is but there definitely is one because there have been too many incidences in my life for me to believe otherwise.
I revisited Brian DeFlores website. Reading further I realize this guy either is absolutely nuts or is taking advantage of us poor unsuspecting souls. A question asked was “Why do we never see you”. His explanation was something to the effect that he is too busy teleporting himself to different dimensions. Now really! I hate to be a cynic but … Also he certainly has a lot of stuff to sell. If he was so busy in other dimensions how could he possibly be taking care of business?
144,000 chosen people who are earth right now? I think we are all chosen people and we are all connected somehow. Somewhere in my brain or soul I think I know this.
Another question was “if we were one thing in nature what we would be”. I said that I would be an ocean because it is calming, mysterious, and colourful and it affects so many things. I also feel somehow we are tied to the ocean and the moon, the sun and the stars. These things control our moods. The ocean is also very deep and colourful. Now that I think about it though, it does sound like a huge undertaking to me. Perhaps I should have chosen a dog. There is nothing wrong with a dog’s life, especially these days. They are pampered more than people. I am living right next door to a doggie spa. They give and get unconditional love.
I took the subway home with a woman whom I got the feeling really needed to talk. She is attending Jean Tweeds because of a gambling addiction. She looks very familiar to me and I can’t figure out why? She was brought up in Montreal and is a little older than my 48 years. Also, guess where her brother lives! Laval West my small home town... no small coincidence or is it? She is/was an artist and hasn’t picked up a paint brush since her daughter died. She was married to a light weight champion, who beat her, including knocking her teeth out. I gather she was with him until he died some horrible death from bone cancer. Not long after this she lost her only daughter who was 29. She died of Crones disease. She feels her daughter’s death could have been avoided had she just gone and consulted with a doctor.
Her daughter left behind a six year old son, who is now twelve. After her death she became the caregiver of her grandson until her family took him away. She became addicted to gambling and I gather she had some sort of breakdown and ended up spending all her money. Since then she hasn’t wanted to earn any. Her paintings could be a good source of income (one was appraised at $6000) but having money, she feels, will just lead to more gambling. It makes my story feel relatively tame.
I have a feeling going through rehab I will find out a lot abut why women drink and some of these reasons seem very justifiable to me. Addictions do not just stem from weaknesses.
Good for me. I’m getting a routine. I have journaled every day this week. Now for the exercise part. After journaling, I am planning on taking a walk everyday. It’s a beautiful day to take some pictures.
What am I grateful for today:
PHOTOGRAPHS. THEY CAPTURE SO MANY THINGS.
May 5, 07
What a gorgeous day. I’m sitting out on the front porch, coffee and cigarette in hand and feeling good. Much better than yesterday. I think the lack of a full night sleep for the last few days caught up with me (not good for us bi-polars). I was dragging my ass around all day. Had a good night sleep yesterday so my mood is much better.
Tom and Dave have gone to Elora to the book fair so I do not have to try and impress them. Didn’t have to get up early to prove that I am not sleeping my life away. Something I have been doing a little.
How much I have changed. I use to get up at 6:00 a.m. and in bed by 9:00 p.m. But my life turned upside down and so did my sleeping habits. Sleep is so important to me now. Having not slept more than 3 hours a night for well over a year has made me cherish it.
I felt a little down yesterday. I received an email from my pal in Mexico, Dulce, letting me know that her husband, the love of her life, died of a heart attack. I met her online because I had written a comment to a fellow scrapbooker saying that most layouts were beautiful but there was not much realism in them. Very few scrappers do layouts about the bad stuff in life, and I am certain that no one’s life is as perfect as they portray. Dulce sent me an email asking if I would correspond with her because she agreed with me. Later I was to find out that she has had a lot of “rain” in her life and now she has some more storms to weather. This one more like a hurricane, I am sure.
After writing in this journal yesterday I decided it was time for me to add a walking routine to my daily schedule. Baby steps they say. So I took my camera and headed out to Queen St. I got some gorgeous colourful shots of flowers, produce and different wares. Some great ones of crocks, hats and beach balls. I am thinking of using these for my next contest layout about everyday things.
Went on the net this a.m. to see the first round of submissions. I realize I don’t have a chance. There are some that look like they were done by professional graphic artists. I am not in this league, yet. Oh well, this is a learning experience for me.
I still have not heard from Anna regarding the wedding project. No one trusts me to do it. I can just smell it.
I sent off my Oprah layout to my critics. Carol thinks I should send it to Oprah. I haven’t heard from Lorraine?
What else happened? Well it was Friday and Friday’s have always been treat days for me that included a nice dinner and a bottle of wine. It was the 2nd time I felt some difficulty about not drinking. But I didn’t!!! I was disappointed though when Dave insisted we go back home and eat the left over ham after we picked up the hostas from Deb and Andrew’s. Well a week of eating ham was just too much for me, so inside I had a little hissy fit. I calmed down and put a pizza in the oven.
It is strange how I stumble on so many coincidences (a secret word for me) when I am on the net. Can’t quite recall how I got to the Wikapedia page on Scientology and was taken aback to read what a creep Ron L. Hubbard was. I know you can’t always believe everything you read on the net but there were just too many facts to make this whole page bogus. It does sound like this guy was not in his right mind, a liar, cheat and all around creep and we have some very famous people in the world who are following his doctrine? Now that I think about it they are all actors too. Well as I have said before, no one has the answers, certainly not me. I like investigating though. I was talking to Tom the other day and mentioned to him how I would make a good detective.
Well here is the strange part. Quite a while back, at least 2 years ago, I was checking into Scientology, as I was curious to know more, and I filled out a questionnaire. For some odd reason I have found out that people diagnosed with bipolar disorder are drawn to religious subjects. Now who did I get an email from this a.m., non other than the group of Scientology, mentioning that I had filled out a questionnaire and they were conducting another survey! Do do do …there is no such thing as coincidence I have also found to be the truth
I also found out yesterday that the 144,000 chosen people stems from the book of Genesis. I have a hard time believing in the bible. Too many things have never added up to me. I felt this way as a kid and even more so as I got older. I know people very close to me that were abused by priests. Also, when I was little, while walking through the church grounds our priest, Father Raymond, appeared out of no where and chased after me. He was obviously very drunk. There were also many stories that have been hushed up about his character and have gone ignored.
I know this may sound crazy but I do feel like all these synchronicities are little lessons for me that are meant to direct me some where. But where is the big question?
p.s. Once again I had that feeling that I was going to stumble on another God Wink.
Well I guess I should get out and at em. Nice day to take some more pictures.
What I am grateful for today:
HAVING SOME SOLITUDE AND ENJOYING MY OWN COMPANY
Sitting out on the front porch again, listening to the birds chirp. I had forgotten how calming it is to journal. I did it like clock work for three or four years. It was my favorite time of day. Carol has always found it strange that one of the questions she was asked over and over again when they committed me to the hospital was “Does she keep a journal”. Do they think this is a sign of an unstable mind? I would love to know this answer.
Yesterday was relatively quiet. Nothing too exciting to write about. I enjoyed having a full day all to myself. The boys got back form Elora around 7:00 p.m.
I went for a walk after journaling. Something I must do on a continual basis. Routine is important for individuals that have bipolar disorder, or so I have been told. Took my camera but the batteries were dead. I think Dave was a little annoyed with me because I have been trying to charge non-chargeable batteries. Dave and I are very alike in our interests, but so different in our styles. I think we are both a little competitive when it comes to our art. He is a perfectionist and I am far from it. Neither approach is perfect. It makes him hesitate and me jump from one idea to the next, never finishing any one project until I absolutely have to.
He just came outside asking me if I would like to go to a garage sale so I will have to keep this short, because I also do not like disappointing him.
He wants the strangest things from people. Very little things, like making sure the filter for the fish pond is sparkling white two times a day? Really, sometimes I do get a little annoyed. But, when it comes to the big things, like taking me in and letting me know