CHAPTER 1 - REAWAKENING

April 29, 07

A new journal.  How long has it been since I have written? If I remember correctly the last words I wrote were “I am in despair” while on sabbatical in Barbados.   After nearly two years of wallowing in depression I want to get my life back.

I have finally told everyone close to me that I’m seeking help.  What a relief.  And I am getting lots of it in more ways than one.  Last week I started dealing with my problems.  No more mind games.  Jean Tweeds here I come.  My first group session was last week and now I’m waiting to get into the residential program and am actually looking forward to it.  I use alcohol to numb my feelings, just a little here and there until recently, as a way of self medicating.

Such a long time since I wrote and so many things have happened to me.  I don’t know where to start.  This is also how I feel about my life.  Baby steps. There are so many things I would like to accomplish.  My thoughts feel very scattered.   Allowing my thoughts to pour out on paper does feel good and I know how it’s helped me in the past.

These are my thoughts though.  So if anyone is reading this please respect my privacy and put it down, even if I do tell you to read it.  I did that with my past journals, when I went through a manic phase, trying to prove so much to my family.  After getting out of the hospital I had enough to be embarrassed about without adding my very own personal thoughts to the list and stories about my sex life.  Oh well, nonexistent now so something I don’t have to worry about.

I don’t want to curtail my thoughts though because of what others may think.

Week 1 – no alcohol!  I guess I deserve a pin.  It really wasn’t very difficult.  Yesterday I had a few twinges.  A beautiful sunny day, one of those where it feels so good to sit outside with a magazine or a good book and a glass of wine.  Instead I brought a book and pitchers of water.  Hopefully this is what is making my legs and feet blow up like balloons?  I’ll have to get this checked out soon.

I woke up at 5 a.m. eager to start my day.    This has been unusual for me these last few years.  Perhaps I’m getting excited about life again and starting to see some possibilities?

I entered a scrapbook contest this week.  My layout is titled “I have bi-polar disorder”  “Sometimes I see the world in different hues”.  How it has it’s “up and downs”.  I’m not particularly proud of it artistically, however my heart swelled with pride when I read one of the judge’s comment that mentioned that applicant’s insecurities about whether their layouts were “good enough” was put into perspective by a “couple of powerful layouts” that dealt with individuals who were facing much greater challenges in life.

I dream of having my layout published.  This would not only build my ego, which is sorely in need of a boost, but will be good for credentials as well.

I have a few years of catching up to do but I guess I will have to put those stories aside for now.  There definitely have been some unexplainable things that have happened to me that I would like to write about.  But then I would never catch up and I have get on with my life.  I can add these stories as I go … on a slow day.

Back to things to be grateful for:

May 1, 2007

I’m pleased with my new computer.  Can’t wait to get back on it today and accomplish some more “work”.  I ‘ve been creating digital art and am now addicted to this new art form   It’s like having any art medium right at your fingertips and if you are not pleased with a result just undo!  Why is it that if I produce something I enjoy then I don’t add this into my day as being productive? 

Debbie sent me some pictures of her garden.  She mentioned in one of her emails that she was going to inquire with one of her artist friends about having a water colour done of one of her photos of crocuses.    I’m jumping on the bandwagon and sending her my digital art versions.  This is part of my plan, to produce individual pieces of art for people, using their photographs.  I’m definitely going to get that professional printer.  I think I may have something going here.  This is what is making me feel hopeful today and I will not listen to any nay sayers.

I’ve decided to stay away from alcohol and no longer have to plan how I am going to sneak a drink.  What a relief.  No more   ... to drink or not to drink... because drinking is now not an option for me.  I didn’t get caught and I am glad I confessed.  It makes me feel strong to admit that I have a problem.

 I have to figure out how to get rid of all the empty booze bottles that are hidden in my bedroom closet though. 

Yesterday was another good day, despite being tired.  I only had five hours of sleep.  Also, despite worrying about why my feet and legs are so swollen.  They look like stumps.  My allergies have been annoying me as they usually do this time of year and my breathing has been so affected that at times I feel light headed.  This makes me feel like I’m craving something (probably a good breath of fresh air).  It seems to get progressively worse every year.  I’m sure it has to do with toxins in the air. Nothing to do with smoking of course.  Another bad habit I have to quit. 

Went for a walk with David in the a.m. to take pictures and one with Tom in the evening to blow off some calories after our very fattening dinners.  We tried out a new restaurant on Queen Street called the Purple Eggplant, which was excellent even with only a glass of Club Soda.  I will save lots of money not drinking as well.

Tonight I’m off to a group therapy session at Jean Tweeds.  Anna is joining me as a support person. 

I’m glad to get back to journaling.  For some reason it sets me free.

What to feel grateful for today:

MY NEW COMPUTER AND ALL ITS POSSIBILITIES

May 2, 07

Yesterday was a mixed day.  I started off in the morning feeling chipper.  I’m excited about my “work”.   I enjoy the feeling that there are many things I would like to accomplish.  My brain goes from one idea to the next.  I should learn to relax more and focus on one thing.  Go slow and you will get more done was the message from TUT this a.m.  I look forward to those inspiring emails everyday. 

I saw the layouts that have been submitted for the Queen of the Crop Contest.  After viewing them, I’m quite certain Maya was referring to my entry as being powerful!  There were only a couple of other ones dealing with weighty issues.  The work on most of the entries was very different from mine.  Very busy and filled with all kinds of techniques that are impressive.  They look professional.   Mine stood out for its simplicity.  I am going to keep it this way.  It’s hard not to follow the trendy path.  Mine certainly does meet the subject criteria on describing two or more moods you have.  I think this should be part of the voting criteria as well.

I felt hurt yesterday after receiving an email from my sister-in-law Louise regarding my drinking.  She said I was one the brightest, nicest, person she knows … but she also said she hoped I would quit “this time”.  Like I have tried so many times and failed?  Really, I only once promised my family I would not drink and that was because I was on medication.   I agreed to do this for them not me. 

A similar comment was also made by Mom.  She told me that Janet said “don’t get your hopes up because you will probably get disappointed”.   This makes my heart feel very heavy.  I wish my family knew that what I need most from them is their faith in me.  How many times have I tried to explain this to them?  Positive thoughts, I know create positive energy.   I was going to send out an email telling them how I was hurt by these comments, but decided against it.  

My sister Carol sent me an email saying that I am stronger than I think.  And you know what, I AM!  Not drinking is not difficult once I have my mind set to it.  I did it in Barbados and for three months after my trip to the mood disorder ward, when I was depressed, anxious, and little in my life looked positive.  A drink may have given me some relief during this period but I was strong enough to steer clear.

I planned to go to my 2^nd group therapy meeting yesterday and my girlfriend Anna came along.  When we arrived I found out that the session started at 6:00 not 6:30 so we missed it.  Went out for dinner and I let Anna talk my ear off.  She is a very good soul but she makes me feel drained.

The boys have been wonderful ever since I got back.  I do love them dearly.  I feel bad for getting upset with Dave.  He can be a perfectionist, which I am not.  From now on in I am going to try harder to please him because really all he wants are little simple things.

Sometimes what we pretend we are angry at is a symptom of something else.

I may know why my legs are so swollen.  Checked this out on the internet (was worried about what I would find out … cirrhosis of the liver … kidney failure …) and it could just be that I have gained so much weight.  One more wonderful thing about having to take all this medication.  At the beginning I also lost a lot of hair, but it has grown back, a little wavy now?   My cocktail right now is Epival, Seroquel and Effexor, all of which makes you gain weight.  

Yesterday I decided to just go out and get em.  No more fear about getting criticism.  Have faith in my abilities.   I mentioned to Anna that I am very interested in doing the wedding album she referred Dave for.  I am a little upset that I was not also referred.  It was a joint effort.  I contributed as much if not more than he did.  In fact it was my idea and I spent weeks and weeks on it.  Anyone who has seen the album loves it.  Margaret said it would blow them away after we came back from the wedding show when we went to compare what other photographers were offering.  This was meant to be for my showcase not Dave’s. I know without a doubt that I would do a beautiful job; I have never let anyone down on this in the past.  Why did David not mention me?  But, if I want to get into business for myself I will have to be ready to hear the truth.

So many things I would like to accomplish today, but, as my message from TUT this a.m. said … take it slow … you will get more accomplished this way.

What I am grateful for today:  MY BOYS

Later today

COINCIDENCES IN 1 HOUR!!!

Why are they falling again?  They use to fall like rain. Was searching on the net for information on V for victory for my scrapbook page and stumbled on the following information:

The pyramid symbol?  The sign I was shown in Mexico … While there I had asked what it meant but was not given an answer??  (Mayans – Ruins??)

I also stumbled on a web site by Brian Delflores that mentioned:

There are 144,000 people on earth who are chosen to be Avatars or Counsels, something like that.    When I was in CAMH’s Lock-up Mental Ward, I remember reading this in a Jehovah Witness bible.  It did sound wonderful to me at the time.  The year 2012 kingdom comes; there will be paradise on earth. 

Do I have stories to tell about my days at CAMH.

Virgin Mary – For some reason women with bipolar disorder sometimes feel they are a reincarnation of Mary … I was just talking to Lorraine about this yesterday.

Chakras – lower back – mine has been feeling very heavy lately?

Bodies are mostly water (Age of Aquarius). In new era we will be air.

My water retention?

St. Theresa of Avila has been thought to have bipolar disorder.  Also a few prophets.

Site says if you were led to it is because you were meant to.  I was just checking the phase “Aspire to Greatness” and stumbled upon it. First listing I think under Google.

My love of bright colours … in the next era colours are suppose to be brilliant.

Beings of light,

11:11 I have been noticing this number for years.  And I know I am not the only one.  Why?  

Angels or spirits.  I use to feel I was guided by these.

Brian DeFlores experienced a dramatic shift of consciousness December 4, 1996 (my birthday).  Wow what does this all mean?

There were more but enough for one day.

May 3/07

A very interesting day yesterday.  Am I making things up out of nothing?  One thing about having bipolar disorder is that sometimes you doubt your own thoughts.  But I will tell you, it certainly was odd how I was led to those websites and how many co-incidences there were and it’s not like I am searching for them!

I’m not the only person in the world who believes that coincidences happen because they are pointing us in some direction.  Even Oprah believes this.  I call them my Godwinks, after a book she recommended.  They also seem to happen at the most appropriate times.  Does this have anything to do with my so called mental disorder?  I would like to investigate this further.

I know I can’t get lost in this because I don’t want to be committed again.  Both Jim Carrey and Robert Downey Jr., have alluded to be guided by synchronicity.  Both these actors, co-incidentally suffer from bipolar disorder?

Maybe we are all where we are because it is part of some master plan?  There are many great thinkers who believe this.   

Well I am just going to sit quietly, and I mean quietly (don’t want everyone in an uproar again) and see where this leads me. 

Another strange thing is that often I feel it in my bones before a co-incidence is about to happen.  I sometimes seem to know when I’m going to stumble on one.  A few examples:  I recently found out that Lorraine’s sister lived in the same townhouse complex as I did when I first moved to Toronto over 20 years ago and it was the exact same layout too.  I have known Lorraine since I was a teenager and this subject never came up until her Mom’s funeral.  What are the chances of that?  Not to mention that Bob also lived there at the same time!  Bob and I may even have been next door neighbours.

This also happened recently while I was at the play I saw with Lorraine, “The Caretaker” by Harold Pinter. The play was about a guy who I now am certain had bi-polar disorder; anyway some type of mental disorder.

I just went on the internet to find out more about this play:

This is what I found out.

“Pinter, who has been treated for cancer in recent years, was supposed to have delivered the traditional Nobel lecture in person, but was forced to cancel his trip to Sweden because of poor health.
His publisher, Stephen Page, will accept the prestigious prize on Pinter's behalf at the award ceremony on Saturday.
In his lecture, which focused more on politics than literature, Pinter launched a ferocious tirade against Bush and Blair, saying they were responsible for tens of thousands of deaths in the Iraq war.”
Dec 8 11:06 AM US/Eastern
By KARL RITTER
Associated Press Writer

A man after my own heart and inspirations!  Just one more Godwink.

Before my hospitalization, coincidences were falling like rain.  I could write a book just on this.  However, at the advice of many, I have tried not to let these things enter my mind.  But it is interesting.  My own little secret.

I had a long conversation with Carol yesterday.  I didn’t realize how much I missed talking to her.  We use to be in contact regularly.  She is one smart cookie and is someone who has faith in me.

I ended up sending a nice, funny email to my family about how it was important they had faith and Carol appreciated my humour.

She thinks I should write a book.  Lorraine has also mentioned this to me.  Carol told me I have a way of telling a story with humour and one that’s easy to read. 

I certainly do have enough stories to tell.

Coincidently, I recently took a Super IQ test (having been in H.R. I like these types of tests and I’m always amazed at how accurate they are.)   I’m including my results so I believe in myself also. 

Linguistic Architect

Your IQ score is 109. This means that you are smarter than 72.0% of all other Super IQ test takers.

This number is the result of a scientifically-tested formula based on how many questions you answered correctly on the Tickle Super IQ Test.

But there's more to intelligence than a single number, a single score, or a single label. Tickle uses 8 distinguishable dimensions of intelligence in the Super IQ Test. By analyzing your individual scores on those 8 scales, we are able to look beyond the raw IQ score into how you process information, and which intellectual strengths you're best at.

Your test results indicate that the way you process information makes you a Linguistic Architect.

You are brilliant with language and words. You are also very skilled at understanding things on an abstract or conceptual level. When you combine those two skills you are bound to communicate or create something new and complex.

This set of strengths (referred to as 'abstract reasoning,' meaning you have a flair for the intangible, intellectual, theoretical approach to life) allows you to understand math and science on a 'gut' level, even if the actual numerical math and science equations don't come easy. This gut-level understanding is typically enough to get you through without needing all of the details. You would probably do well as a writer of some kind or an author whose job it is to get difficult concepts across skilfully.

Now that you know about how you process information, let's drill down to see what your specific intellectual strengths are. None of the intellectual abilities is more important than any of the others. And it's your unique scores on each of these scales that make you an interesting addition to any group, office, or family.

These intellectual strengths color your world and the way you perceive it, and also allow you to contribute your original perspective when solving problems and coming up with ideas. No one intellectual dimension can define you. It's the original combination of your intellectual strengths that makes you special.

Continues……

Your top scores are in the areas of Verbal, Spatial, and Organizational. This is a very unusual combination — only 6 in 1,000 people have it.

Your verbal ability score is 99 out of 100. Verbal ability means having an expansive range of vocabulary, being able to use it, and feeling a desire to add to it. It is also what allows you to comprehend the relationships and subtle difference between words.

You scored 93 out of 100. You use spatial ability to judge the relationship between objects and physical space, like a parked car and the width of the road. It is also what helps you visualize a room when you are decorating or rearranging furniture.

Your organizational ability score is 88 out of 100. Organizational ability is what allows you to organize and arrange information effectively, be precise, and proofread carefully.

Of course I scored 50 out of a 100 in math.  But I absolutely hate to study anything with too many rules and only one answer.  I find it interesting that my spatial ability is so strong.  Guess this is where my love of decorating comes in.

I’m thinking about trying my hand at this.  Let’s say I write a chapter a week.  I’d have a book written in no time.

Just wondering what to leave in and what to leave out?  Hey, maybe I could be on the Oprah show (just got a good idea for a layout with some humour in it).  The next James Frey, but I wouldn’t have to embellish my story.  Maybe this is not such a crazy idea after all?  I have been toying with the idea of taking a creative writing course, just for the fun of it. 

I sent a sample submission of my Wish contest layout to Lorraine and my Mom asking them for criticism.  Of course my Mom loved it (if you want an honest opinion do not ask your mother).  Lorraine liked it, but it didn’t blow her away … ouch... I am not that good with criticism.

I want to blow people away so I will do another layout.  My secret wish, how about … “To be on the Oprah Show”.   I’m getting so many ideas!  One thing I never lack are ideas unless I am totally depressed. 

Called my psychiatrist (P.D.) yesterday and am waiting for a call this a.m. to find out what to do about my water retention.  It is unbelievable.  I hope to hear from her office this a.m.

I’ve been working on my computer day and night.  Staying up too late also.  Oh, oh another manic sign, I have been told.

I didn’t hear from Anna regarding the wedding album.  I get the impression that there has been discussion about me doing it?  I can’t let this bother me.  I guess I have given others reason for concern.  Who knows where I will be locked up next?  Also now being an admitted drunk doesn’t help.

I just got a call from Ginger, my American ex Sis in law.  I do love that woman.  Whenever we talk we seem to be either doing a lot of laughing or soul searching.  Now I am running late.  Have to get to my group therapy session.

Today I am grateful for:  LONG CONVERSATIONS WITH SOUL SISTERS

p.s. just coincidentally stumbled upon a picture of Oprah with James Frey!

CONTINUE TO CHAPTER 2