Monday, January 17, 2011

May 8, 2007 DESPAIR

May 8

How can the people you think love you be so cruel to you?  I have never, never been cruel to anyone.  So when this happens to me I go crazy (not literally).  I don’t think I have been cruel to anyone to the best of my knowledge, other then perhaps when I made my Dad cry, and at the time I was on meds that were not right for me, and was very upset with my family for packing up all my furniture, etc. and putting it into storage against my wishes.  Even if you are completely manic it does not mean that everything you think is wrong.  Anyway that is another long story for another time. 

Today there are too many pent up emotions that I have to release.  And yes Lesa, you are allowed to get angry.  In fact I’m so angry that I had to knock myself out with an extra Seroquel plus two night time cold pills (my breathing is horrible, smog alert yesterday), and I smoked one cigarette after another.

Today the only thing I am thanking God for is that I did not have to make the trip to London with Dave to visit his parents (his Mom has Alzheimer’s).  Right now I am so angry I don’t know what I would say to him.

Anything I do around here is not appreciated.  Does Dave think I don’t have other things I’d rather be doing than planting his garden, cooking his meals…    Trying to make sure I do everything perfectly is exhausting.  It’s not the actual doing it, it’s the worry of not doing it perfectly that gets to me.  Well he isn’t that picky about what I feed him, I will give him that.  But I am a great cook, or so I have been told.

I’m smoking one cigarette after another.  For the good news, I didn’t even think of having a drink until around 2:00 a.m.   Under “normal” circumstances where I would have been “allowed” to drink I would have gotten drunk yesterday to try and shield my feelings.

What Tom said to me yesterday did hurt.  People have got to realize how damaging words can be.  We can become what people tell us we are, especially, if we are told this over and over again.  So parents beware.  Not that we have to have praise all the time but it does help.

Like the time Diane told me she didn’t want me to become a bag lady.  That comment has been rooted so deeply in my brain that is has become one of my worst fears.  I’m sure a lot of those bag ladies that we see have bipolar or some other mental illness.  They need compassion not disdain.   I don’t understand our world sometimes.  How can people think that anyone is in this predicament because they want to be, because they are lazy and imagine your own family would allow you to become one!

I have to get out what was said to me yesterday.  It’s painful for me and I’m trying to avoid the pain once again.  But I did not drink.  Kudos to me!

I have to “beef” up my ego today and say some good things about myself in order to get rid of some of the bad.

OK, I think I’m ready now.  Here goes.

When I got up in the morning I went about my usual routine.  I had calmed down from the night before.  Tom completely ignored me all day.  If I was upstairs he was down.  This was ok with me because I still needed to blow off a little steam.  I could hear him vacuuming at some point in the day.  So I realized he was doing housework (not a usual occurrence) trying to prove something to me.  But I’m stubborn and wasn’t about to get away from my “work” and help him as I would normally do. 

I am not the best housekeeper in the world.   I’m sorry but I just don’t enjoy it.   Also I don’t know even where to start around here.  Tom and Dave are collectors and have so much stuff around.  Their house is beautiful but can make me feel claustrophobic at times.  Why do some people need so much stuff around?  Also being gay they collect tons of theatre memorabilia, another strange phenomenon that I can’t even begin to understand.  The brain really is a fascinating subject.

I had done my chores.  I had cleaned the fishpond filter, emptied the dishwasher, picked up groceries, put on a stew that we were to take to Dave’s parents, watered the plants (which by the way I had spent most of Sunday planting). 

I decided just to do my “own” things during the day.  Own, owe, how much do I owe them? 

Around 4:00 p.m. I decided to call a truce and had a speech prepared in my head about how I knew sometimes I didn’t always pull my weight around here and how I hoped he could understand that I was dealing with some weighty issues.

My God, it hasn’t even been two weeks since I got back from my “having reached bottom” in Montreal.

I asked him if he would like a cup of coffee.  No answer.  “Would you like a cup of coffee Tom” again.  “No” he says and doesn’t even look up at me.  I asked him why he was mad at me.  (Hey, he wasn’t the one who had been treated like a piece of shit because he didn’t clean a counter top properly).

The conversation here on in went something like this.  From my point of view, and I do realize there are always two sides to a story.

Tom:  I’m not talking to you.

Me:  Why aren’t you talking to me?

Tom:  Don’t want to talk about it. (Maybe I should have left as this point)

Lesa:  Well I just wanted to tell you that I know I do not always pull my weight around here and I hope you can understand that I realize this but I’ve been going through some difficult times.

Tom:  You don’t know how lucky you have it.  (Well I wouldn’t exactly call my circumstances lucky?)

Me:  My feelings were hurt last night especially because I was feeling confident that there was nothing I could get “in trouble” for.  The kitchen was clean (or so I honestly thought, other than that darn granite counter top, which I have honestly come to hate.  I don’t know why I always mess up on that one?).  The floors swept, and had a pea soup on, plants watered, filter cleaned.

Tom:  Dave is right.  You are lazy.

Me:  Tom you have known me for nearly 20 years.  I worked with you.  Was I ever lazy?

Tom:  You are a different person now.

Me:  Well I hope you understand that part of this is because of my disorder.

Tom:  I think you use that as an excuse.

Me:  This is difficult for me.

Tom:  Difficult for you … huff … it’s difficult for all of us.
Me:  I realize this, that’s why I’ve been thinking about going back to Montreal.

Tom:  And live where?

Me:  With my parents

Tom:  Good.  They can have you.  You are the laziest person I know.

Me:  Look Tom, you may think I am doing nothing but I’m trying to start a new life for myself.

Tom:  You are the laziest person I have ever met in my whole life.

I tried to defend myself.  At this point I was seeing red and can’t remember what I may have said exactly.   But of all people, I thought Tom should understand that what I have been doing is similar to what he had been doing, selling theatre memorabilia over the internet on EBay, doing something he loved to do.  I know how much work this was for him but for some reason if what we are doing is something we enjoy it just isn't classified as work.  I know too that Tom also felt guilty about this and was lost about what to do.  I know Tom very well and we are both not lazy.  But guilt can sometimes get us.

Tom:  Dave is right.  I try to stick up for you but you do everything half assed because you don’t want to do it (well who really likes to do housework except my sister Diane, maybe.  She’s obsessed with it.  It relaxes her.  Her drug of choice.  I guess it is too bad I didn’t get this addiction.)  I’m not talking to you.

Me:  (In tears, and it takes me a lot to cry) ok then don’t talk to me.

People just don’t understand depression.  They think because you have no physical signs that you are perfectly ok.  There have been so many days where all I would like to do is put my head under my covers and hide from the world, but believe it or not, I push myself, so people will not worry, and mostly for my own good.  But honestly, only those who have walked in my shoes can understand how some days it’s even difficult to take a shower.  It takes time to mend a broken mind.

May 8 (night time)

I’m drunk as a skunk

I fell off the wagon. What can I say right now, but I don’t give a shit.

So many things said that hurt me to my very core.

How come no matter how good a person I try to be I get into trouble.

I’m not getting this.  It someone wants to put me down they can do it right now!

Go ahead complain, because I’ve forgot to put my glass on a coaster, occasionally.  I bring out the indoor cushion, I’m not a mind reader, who jumps at your every whim and fansy.

Pissed off  … is not the word right now.  Pissed maybe.  I’m steaming.

How can people not understand what’s going on in the world.  I’m on a tanget.

Wake up people!!!

I don’t even know where to start other than I spent most of my day discussing all my faults with Tom, like forgetting to put my glass on a coaster.  I’m livid right now and trying my best to calm down because I know in the whole scheme of things this should also be trivial to me!!

But how can you feel it’s trivial when you’ve been told that everyone is talking about you and insuating you’re a complete fuck up.

All I can say it let’s put this into perspective, and when it really comes down to it I don’t think I won’t be allowed in heaven because I’m a messy individual.

Oh, I now can write about so many of my faults, but you know what, if I leave a glass on the table and make a ring I don’t think it’s the end of the world.

I piss roaring drunk right now.  Oh I tried to be good but today was just too much for me.  I want to wrong some sense into people.

Here we are on this earth, with the majority of people starving or in some other dier circumstance and what do some people complaint about ….

You forgot to put your glass on a coaster.

And I swear to God, I have tried to be diligent about this, but occasionally I think I have more important things to worry about.

I’m sitting outside on the front porch, with a pillow I gather I should not use (another sin of mine) and am trying my darndest to put this into perspective.

Maybe people should watch the news (thought I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to)  What garbage were fed!!

There are so many other huge issues in the world than putting your glass on a coaster (something I am sure I do but screwed up last night)

What can I do.  I’m sitting here after four hours of a heart to heart with tom and am so confused.

The things he has said and brought up really hurt.  So much so that I don’t want to even write about it.

I don’t care what anyone thinks about me because is too late to care.

You can either understand or not.  That is your privilege …. Oh but some of the rebuttal I would like to get a cross.

But really, it is only one dirty counter top and do you know what … no one is going to make me feel guilty about it.

Tomorrow. May I will feell gratefull vfor someone

Today” Marilyn Munroe

May 9th  DESPAIR

I am in despair.

The things that are going through my mind right now no one would like to know … things I should not be thinking about.  I now know why so many people who have my disorder commit or try to commit suicide.

Oh, how I would like to have a drink right now.  But I won’t, for now anyway … yesterday this past week, has just been too much for me to handle.  Can people not understand that at this point maybe, just maybe I need a little break?

Why did they want me here if everything I do is criticized?

As Tom told me “You should hear about how people are talking about you.  And what I am talking about is just the tip of the iceberg”.

I was right also about the wedding project.  They don’t trust me to do it.  How am I supposed to get a career going if no one gives me a break?  Did I not do a great job with Dani and Connel’s album?

I’m feeling so emotionally drained and exhausted.  I’m feeling so bad about myself for having failed and just when I was thinking everything was so easy.

I will not write down some of the things I heard about me because I don’t want them imprinted in my mind.

I couldn’t even figure out what day it was today.  My head is so full of so many feelings.

Right now I’m feeling overwhelmed, angry, sad, guilty, mad at myself, embarrassed, like a complete fuckup, worried, drained, hopeless, ugly, fat, worthless, stupid, confused, purposeless ……

I’m not a ten year old.  I wish I was.

Today’s new rules.  I’m not allowed in the house anymore if Tom or Dave are not around.  I’m not allowed to smoke anywhere on the property.

This whole situation wouldn’t be bothering me so much if I hadn’t been trying.  It makes me feel like giving up.  I look back on what I’ve written and I think I’ve tried but it just isn’t enough for anyone.

Another rule, I’m only allowed to be on my computer at night.

How am I possibly able to stay here and stay sober when everything I do is criticized and I have to abide by these rules?  Even my journaling is looked on as a waste of time.

Am I such a bad human being?

I try to help or I think I am helping.  Another one of my sins, I didn’t make the stew before I left for MontrealLorraine had emailed me at the last minute asking me to go to their place before they left for Japan. And if I would house and dog sit for them.  When they got back I helped Lorraine pack for her move.

Tom told me Lorraine said I was a hindrance more than a help.  Perhaps I was.

Barb just came by and what do I do but offer her to help repair her grass … you would think I have learnt my lesson by now.

I don’t know how I am going to look Dave in the eye when I next see him.

I also now know why he was in such a bad mood Sunday morning.  I guess I should also be a mind reader.  It was around 9 in the morning when I went in to ask him if he wanted to go for a walk (another rule) and his response was a very snippy, no I have too many chores to do.  I asked what there was to do.  I could do it when we got back.  The only thing he could come up with was laundry and I had done all the laundry a couple of days before, so there couldn’t be that much.  I think I try … I don’t fold underwear properly; I once hung up shirts inside out...  I do everything half assed, I am told.  Well I’m not a mind reader, I don’t know if it is time to do chores if you don’t ask me. I don’t know how you want your underwear folded and honestly it is very hard for me to care.

Tom asked me why I get kicked out of every place I stay .

Why is it that recently I am a good for nothing deadbeat?

Can anyone, for one moment think, just possibly think, perhaps I have some issues to deal with that are kind of difficult?  Like if it’s difficult for me to get in a shower some days.  That maybe I am a little depressed.  Does anyone think I want to live this way?  I finally start to care and stop being so afraid and feeling that perhaps there are some possibilities in life and I don’t have to kill myself slowly, and what happens, but this week.

Why do they think I had to have a couple of drinks throughout the day?  I didn’t have to tell anyone.  It’s called self-medicating.  How many of us that suffer from bipolar disorder get trapped into this.  No one even knew.  It was my decision to go and seek help.

I am shaking like a leaf right now.  I am so confused.

This is not how you treat a bipolar alcoholic.  This is not helping me at all.  The only thing I am certain of is that right now boy would I like a drink.

They even called the cops on me (who happens to be my girlfriend Dani). When I talked to her I was so drunk that I can’t even remember the conversation very well.   Only that she told me she looked at the wedding album that I had made for her every night and that I was very talented.  This I will remember.

But I don’t want to remember that Tom said she also told them to immediately kick me out of the house because I was drunk!

I also talked to my parents, who now are probably worried and Carol, who was very disappointed in me.  Does anyone thing I want to disappoint people.  All my life I have been a people pleaser, that is what my therapist told me.  And all I seem to do lately is disappoint people.

What do I do now?????

Bipolar person of the day:   Sylvia Plath


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