December 10, 2008
Well now it has been two week and two days, 16 days to be exact. I am being superstitious. 16 has been a good number for me. So I will try to believe that I will see you today. I have not always been very brave, I must tell you.
I try at times and then find myself getting very discouraged with this whole world. It is sometimes hard to see how we can make a dent into all the atrocities we have seen.
I have done a lot of fighting (not helpful in the short term but maybe in the long term it will prove to be?)
I know I could have handled myself without quite so much emotion, because emotions are something I gather that should not be shown. These are the things that end up putting people in the mental hospital.
Yes even that one was brought up. I just said please, don’t you think I have enough on my plate right now. Anyway with all this fighting I am hoping to see a difference in both our families. They still don’t understand, nor do they want to, to what is happening in our world. But at least they seem to be on our side.
There have been a few offers of help that have come in that maybe we need to consider. I am not sure what you have in mind? Subletting is certainly an option. If we have somewhere to go and right now I don’t care where we go as long as I am with you.
I keep on picking up the same stones from the book of Ruin and getting similar messages as my horoscope. Today I picked up #1 Standstill. Basically, winter is upon me. I am powerless to do anything but submit, surrender, even sacrifice some long cherished desire. Be patient. This is a period that precedes a rebirth.
Positive accomplishments are unlikely now. Experience drain on energy. A chill wind is reaching you over the ice floes of old outmoded habits.
Do not hold on… this will create sense of being out of touch with life.
(I wonder what I am holding on to?)
Shed, release, and cleanse away the old. Doing so will bring on the thaw. Usually requires a sacrifice of the personal, the “1”.
Don’t hope for help from friendly support. No reason for anxiety. Submit be still.
What you are experiencing is not necessarily the result of your actions, but rather from conditions from which you can do nothing.
What has been full must empty and what has increased must decrease. This is the way to Heaven and Earth. To surrender is to display courage and wisdom.
Can be a time for restoration and renewal. Do not be stubborn and try and execute your will. The seed of the new is present in the shell of the old. Trust your process and watch for signs of spring.
My second stone said:
You may be concerned over what appears to be failed communications, lack of clarity (they got that one right) or awareness either in your past history or in a present situation. A sense of futility, of wasted motion, may overwhelm you.
Remember however that what is happening is timely to your process. If the well is clogged this is the moment for cleansing out the old.
The third stone said:
Breakthrough – Transformation Day
Final ruin belongs to the cycle of initiation.
Signals major shift or breakthrough the process of self change. A complete transformation in attitude. 180 degree turn.
For some no longer able to live the ordinary life in the ordinary way.
The timing is right, the outcome is assured, although, not from the present vantage point.
In each life there comes at least one moment which if recognized and seized, transforms the course of that life forever. Rely on radical trust even though the moment may call for you to leap empty handed in to the void.
Your warrior nature reveals itself. A major period of achievement and prosperity is often introduced by this ruin. The darkness is behind you, daylight has come.
Do not collapse yourself into thoughts for the future or behave recklessly. Considerably hard work can be involved in a time of transformation. Do it joyfully.
I have been reading these stones everyday since you have been gone. I get the message. But what should our next step be?
Oh, I wish you were here to talk to me. You make me feel like I have so much more faith in everything that is going on.
I am praying to God that I will see you today. It has been very difficult for me to be without you. Please don’t feel bad. I will survive, but the joy is gone.
I pray we never have to be a part for too long again. But remember I will always wait for you no matter what.
December 10, 2007
So far one of the longest days of my life. I am trying to keep busy and I am barely able to breath. Just keep on moving. Don’ t dare hope. I know I must sound silly now that this ordeal should be nearly at its end, but I have been hoping every day since you left that this ordeal was nearly at its end. It’s almost like if I just resign myself to the fact that you will not be here today then I will not have to go through the awful feeling of disappointment.
I keep on feeling like I am guilty. Like I did something, didn’t pay enough attention, got lost in our relationship too much. Let everything slip and now we are paying for it. Perhaps this is the truth. I keep on praying to God for you to come home.
I feel anger because of all the injustices in the world. I feel like we are foolish to think we could make a difference when we can’t even look after our own affairs. Was I too vain in thinking we could? Perhaps I am not mentally stable. Maybe everything was just a big illusion and I got caught up in all the synchronicities. Perhaps I don’t have enough faith in god? I waiver from one feeling to the next. I remember telling you that I would do anything, give up anything but you. I hope you still love me after this. But living with this insecurity is not my strong point.
Anyway, I was happy to see that you are fairing much better than me. You have more strength. It’s funny all the things that have happened in my life. Getting put in a mental institution, Doug leaving me after 20 years, etc. The tough things now seem like a piece of cake compared to this. I am sure in time once we have our lives back together, I may be able to laugh at it. Actually, there were some funny incidences despite the pain.
First off your Mom gives me the wrong date. She says to go to Brampton on Sunday with the papers for the house.
The night before, while waiting for you, and you were very late I tried my best my best not to worry. Actually I was doing a pretty good job of it. Denis knocks on the door and tells me you are in jail. That’s all he knows about it and to call your Mom. Or course I don’t have a phone and Denis’ is out of juice. He tells me Nancy is coming over. Denis has a gig with Phil for a Christmas party but Nancy will have her phone.
Nancy gets here and I call your Mom who tells me that I am to go to Brampton with the house papers the next day, Sunday. Meanwhile Nancy has not slept in two days nor had I. I had absolutely no money, nor did I have any cigarettes. Nancy lent me some cash. We went to the store and I picked up a bottle of wine figuring it was going to be a long night and it was.
The next morning I called a taxi. When the taxi got here the note I wrote the address of the court house was chewed up by Tee. I knew it was on Hurontario and asked the cab driver if he could find out the exact address. He wasn’t too happy with me. Instead of calling he drops me off at the police station around the corner from us. I ask them for the address and they couldn’t help me, but they could pull up your record. They had no idea where you were being held nor the address of the court house in Brampton! Though the cop told me what a bad boy you were after looking at your record. I lost it.
At first I was trying to be nice but it became an argument and they threw me out of the station and locked the doors. By then the taxi driver had driven away with the last of my money.
Well you can imagine, I was not in the best of moods. Oh also, coincidently, the night before who knocks at my door, but Denis and Phil. Phil was arrested for a d.u.i. They spent the night here. The police had left them stranded on the corner of Keele. Anyway just some more excitement for the day.
Neither one of them had phones that work. Nor any money. I gave my last $2 to Denis so he could get back home.
During the day Nancy calls and tells me she listened to your message and that I was suppose to be in Brampton on Monday not Sunday.
I emailed my family to no avail. The only message I got back was that they needed more information before they were willing to help. Also Diane made some insinuations that did not go over well with me so I laced into them about how they interfered so much in my life in the past and now when I was asking for a little help, like a lift or to borrow some money, they would not come through.
I called Nancy, and was under the assumption that she would bring me there. Anyway, the next morning no Nancy. So I called and she said she couldn’t make it because she had a court case and dance class that she was giving. She thought I still had some money.
I was not sure what time I had to be there.
I had received an email from Tom Monday a.m. asking if we could meet up for my birthday. I didn’t say much at first, but then told him what was going on and he came straight over and gave me $200 for a birthday present. Well now it is afternoon and I rush by taxi. $70 one way to get there to find out your name was not on the list and they had no idea when your bail hearing would be. Useless, useless people.
The next day when I tried to bail you out again, I made the mistake of giving the girl who handled the bail a hard time because she was so rude to me. Nancy had given me a lift that day and we arrived at 9 a.m. sharp.
Anyway you know what happened that day. I couldn’t bail you out because I had already bailed Denis out. So now I am feeling desperate.
I plead with my family to please do something. But I guess there was not much they could do other then lie about how long they knew you and you would have to live with them. Not a good idea. I do think they now realize how you have been shafted with the previous charge and see how easy it is to make false assumptions about people.
My Mom and Dad have lent us some money. Not enough to get us out of debt but there are other suggestions I will tell you about. My Mom has been stellar through out this whole ordeal. She got on the phone with my sisters and they have assisted me a few times.
So the next option was to switch bail. Nancy stepped up to the plate and offered to do it. She could only get a meeting with the bail court for Wednesday.
Meanwhile I have been calling all kinds of groups, etc. to see what is the best way to handle our predicament. I end up with a lawyer named Peter Lamb, who was very helpful, but not very encouraging. Because this is a new law the courts do not know how to treat it. I did not hear back from him.
So I am at the bail hearing with Denis and Nancy and guess who Denis’ lawyer is. Peter Lamb! I kept my mouth shut for once, not that it would have made any difference.
Nancy nearly got thrown in jail because of charges when she was 22 and her boyfriend stole some cheese from a grocery store. She had thought this would not be on her record because when she was doing paper work for her paralegal license nothing showed up. Well looks like she will have a problem getting her license now. Wow, all because her boyfriend stole some cheese years ago.
At this point I figure they will probably just lock you up and throw away the key. The lawyer had told me you could be in jail until your trail date came up.
Anyway, just got back from a walk with Tee. Wouldn’t even let my mind think that there would be a possibility of you being home. There have been too many disappointments all the way around to face another one. So I will sit here quietly sipping vodka, because right now that is the only way I know how to get through this. I will also keep on writing. Even if what I am writing is not very cohesive. I am so weary. So much so I had to resort to sleeping pills and ativan once again. This also makes me feel weak. I’ve tried fixing up the house a bit and looking into our financial options.
I tried doing work on the computer but my heart is not in it. Oddly enough the only thing that gives me relief is doing my investigating. I have found a wealth of information. All of it depressing. There are just so many injustices in the world. And try to mention anything to people and they look at you with blind eyes and insinuate that you are not well.
I have been emailing someone I met on the bi-polar on-line group I belong to. He probably has been the best help because he challenges my beliefs and makes me learn that in order to get any message across I better have all my i’s dotted and t’s crossed and be sure to know exactly what I am talking about.
He did mention there is always the option of suing CAMH and in order to do so I would need a good medical lawyer. Didn’t even know there was such a thing. I have seen some class actions suits but never find out the outcome?
And really it is not my intention to fight in this way but perhaps I should? Every one of the drugs I was given are up for lawsuits in the states.
I don’t know. What is the message? The website, without funding does not look very feasible to me now. This is what I ultimately want but how do we get there? Not having a back end to look after technology if it is to become big, is just not going to work. Our talents are not in this area. We are good at coming up with the ideas but when it comes to maintenance I just do not enjoy it nor have I the patience.
Between you and me, I know we have what it takes. But we have to be realistic because I don’t see any aliens coming down and doing it for us.
Talk about frustrations. Who in the world devised the visitors program at the jail? I called saying I was visiting you that day. They told me to bring my photo i.d. and nothing else. Like a change of clothing, or a book for the prisoner would be nice. Anyway these are minor points, all of which cause people to believe they have absolutely no rights. Doesn’t matter that we are always told we are innocent until proven guilty. The system certainly doesn’t treat anybody that way. Even the visitors. I am told to get there ½ an hour before to fill out paperwork. Sounded reasonable to me. So I get there at 5 p.m. on the dot and am told to take a number. I ask about the paper work and am told that once visiting hours begin at 5:30 they will start calling numbers.
There are maybe ten people before me. So I wait patiently. Of course they are manually checking people’s i.d.’s and writing down names. By the time they get to me it is 6:30. Imagine 1 hour to check out ten visitors. So I get to the desk and am told I am not allowed to see you because you have been in court that day.
Why did no one tell me this when I called? I told them I live miles away and do not drive. I have spent most of the money now on cabs. What in the world does being in court all day have to do with having visitors, I ask (politely, don’t want to piss any more people off). Of course the only answer I got was a blank stare. I read every bit of information posted and no where does it mention this.
When I finally got to visit you the visitor’s room wasn’t exactly packed. We are the only ones there? And what’s up with the lousy phone system. Something from the fifties that’s never been serviced since. I thought this was a new facility that was recently built because the employees walked off due to such barbaric conditions. I am glad you said the food was pretty decent and you were meeting some good people. Also that you had a chance to gather your thoughts.
Now, do I have to quit smoking too? Probably would be a good thing. We certainly can’t afford it. But right now my cigarettes are my friend, besides Tee of course. I have had very little people contact, other than walking Tee, for the last 16 days.
Also they cut off our cable so no TV. That is probably a good thing too. I have enough with what is going on in the world. Especially when you are barely getting the facts.
I wish I had the urge to do some art. But I don’t have the heart for it right now. The system can sure get to you.
I wrote a few poems waiting for the taxi to take me home. I saw you for barely 10 minutes. I felt sad. We didn’t even have the chance to say anything loving.
I want you to also understand that I am not angry with you for not telling me about that sexual harassment charge. I can certainly understand why you would be afraid to tell anyone.
I know you Al, and that would be the last thing I could ever imagine you doing. However, I was sad that you did not trust me with this information. We must never keep secrets again. It will only hurt us in the end.
We must have absolute faith in each other. I don’t mean we need to be perfect but we need to be 100% on each others side. For some reason I have always gotten this message. And that is why I have never doubted you, even if sometimes I do tell you to fuck off.
Now I have a little doubt that perhaps you don’t trust me enough. We will have to work on this one.
Anyway I spent my 49th birthday in court rooms and jails and doctors offices and taxies. Guess I will not forget it.
A man came up to me and told me I was beautiful. No makeup and not having slept in days. Anyway, just needed to tell you that because I am feeling not so attractive lately.
Tee spent the night at Diane’s and had a good time. We are different without you. Like a piece missing to the puzzle. He is finally eating and not throwing up all over the place. The stress this causes. I just can not imagine what it does to children.
I have been reading up a lot also on how C.P.S. treats children. I knew stories before from CAMH and Jean Tweeds. But seeing our un justice system ties everything together. Basically, people can not handle power for the most part. It is very sad.
Oh guess what. I started filling out those forms to get my locked in RRSP money from Brian’s company. From the start they should have done this because the amount is under $17,000. So all that delay and the repercussions were unnecessary. Now I am hoping we can get this money quicker than I anticipated. We certainly fall under the category of financial hardship. It evens mentions if you have problems paying your mortgage. So I don’t think I have to prove any illness.