Saturday, January 15, 2011


Jul 2, 2007 at 2:48 AM
A great trick to getting what you want, fast, Lesa, though one requiring a deep level of understanding, is "insistence." Not the kind, however, that expects "life" to behave a certain way, but the kind that expects you to behave a certain way.
Yours truly,
    The Universe

Monday July 2, 2007 (holy(?)day)

I hope this will become a holy day for me.  I think it is about time my bad luck has run out.  But I must always remember we are where we are for a reason.  I can either fight it tooth and nail in my head or I can go with the flow and see what I can get done while waiting.

Yesterday, I certainly got a lot done and I was a very good girl.  There is no need to waste my fight on this system right now.  I will have forever to fight the good (God) fight.

Can you believe it cost the tax payers, I have just found out, $2000 a day to keep each one of us here and this joint does not even supply us with coffee in the morning.

Guess I have been inadvertently taking that instant crap from someone who probably really needs it.  Sugar is also locked up unless you ask the cook to replenish the tiny little styrofoam cup before they leave.  After they leave they have to lock up all the food.

Every time you ask a question as to why the answer is “because someone may hurt themselves”.  This is the funniest thing I have every heard.  What will I choke myself on some saran wrap?  That one is on the top or our list of STUPID RULES in here.  Why are we not allowed to have saran wrap!!!

Now this is what I get for your $2000 a day = $14,000 a week = $104,000 X 7 = $ 338,000 a year… if you are so lucky to make this kind of money.  If so I would worry that you are one of the brainwashed people or worse.

One thin sheet – one very thin top cotton blanket (if you can call it this) not to mention we have to make our own beds.  If I were to spend this type of money at a hotel, I would at least expect to have my bed made for me.

Breakfast consists of the tiniest portion of oatmeal, thin sliced white and brown bread and occasionally we get a treat, such as a muffin or baget.  Butter is treated like gold around here.  Juice comes in tiny little weenie plastic containers.  There is fruit on the table (unwashed).  We have to take it to the bathroom to wash it.  And of course there are never enough bananas because they have been proven to help with depression I suspect.

$2000 a day and there are two small televisions.  One in the main common area.  I don’t enjoy watching it because it is so far away. 

Yeah.  I can go for a ten minute smoke break.

I’m outside.  It is chilly but no where near as chilly as it was inside yesterday and the last few days.  They certainly do not waste money on air conditioning.  I looked up at an air vent and it was filled with fungus (very not dangerous I assume).

It is strange how most “clients” here are always so tired they mostly sleep their lives away.  I am surprised that more of them don’t use that thin little sheet to hang themselves.

Oh, do I have lots of suspicions, but I will not jump the gun each time.  I have a strong suspicion that what the world will find out will shock the pants out of them.

I guess I can go on and on and on and on about what we don’t get here.  But instead I will tell you what we do get here …

“Get your money for nothing … Get your drugs for free”

Drugs and needles and tests after tests.  The same ones over and over and if that doesn’t kill you there is always ECT and a host of other drugs that you can take or are forced to take.

But I must praise the nurses.  The angels that are here, because they have learnt to put up and shut up about the rules.  They have learnt to not do so will only cause their demise.  And what good would they be to us then.

Thank you God for angels.

One of my nurses saved me a bit of instant coffee.  I have told her many times she was a sweetheart.  She is also concerned for me that I don’t get in any more “trouble”.  I was late getting back.  I wonder if this is put in my file.  How I am so curious to see my file!

I have so many things to tell.  I could be writing until the cows come home (wouldn’t it be nice to live on a farm.)  So once again I will only write what occurred yesterday and at one point in my life I will get to the really good parts.

I worked on my poster of fear yesterday.  It should be done today.  But this has given me an idea.  From now on I will keep some scissors (that is if I am allowed to) with me and cut out all the little snippets of FEAR we are fed and put them into my beautiful Art Journal and make something out of nothing.  I have been told I am good at this.

Anyway the good news.  I have been refusing the bi-polar meds, anti psychotics (really I need an anti-psychotic).  

Just remembered I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow with Dr. Arani.  How I hope I can see him.  But I am very doubtful that I will get any privileges in time.  I feel like I must talk to him soon.  I must tell him what has been going on.  Maybe he can help me… help me try and save this world.

I wonder how you become a shaman or whatever women are called.  This is what I would like to study.  My astrologer said that this would be a very good year for me to go to school.  At first I questioned this.  But the things I have questioned I have found out to be the things that need no questioning.  So far those astrologers have been batting 100%.

So it looks like I will meet someone through some activity? 

Maybe I can find a reasonably priced, very large old and decrepit house to buy and have my dream back once again of having a place where woman can meet, scrapbook, a safe haven.  That was my first dream when Doug and I broke up.

Well I feel like I won a few battles yesterday by telling some truths and by giving a few ultimatums. 

My mother is and I know has always been on my side.  Perhaps she has finally learnt to trust me?  After sending off my VOICE to my family… hopefully the truth will set them free.

I will include this email in this journal.  Because despite it being hurtful to a few people it is not up to me to worry about their feelings.  This is treating them poorly. 

Today I will get some paper (another thing treated like gold around here) and print out all my recent notes and emails that may be helpful to my cause.  I don’t know where these ideas come from?  Well I do.  I am being directed by God.  So if you think I’m acting smart just realize I am only one mini, tiny, micro, little spec in this whole thing and that God looks after every detail of absolutely everything and non-thing.  Quite a remarkable woman you must agree.

I guess I have written enough for one day.  Time to go back to another love.

His name is Art.

What to be grateful for today – My friend Art.

Bi-polar person of the day – God… she is my saviour… she will show me the way.
Jul 2, 2007 at 2:29 PM

Hi guys,

I just awoke from a nightmare.  The nightmare of my family.  It is now time for me to write this.  Whether it is to remain in my book or not, I am not certain?

But I can always burn it if I desire.  The important thing is for me to get it out of my dreams.

Because you see we all make our own dreams and our own nightmares.

I made a nightmare for myself somehow.  This is what I need to understand.

I awoke myself from this nightmare because I can no longer stand to be in it.  I must let go of this final fear.

I truly believe it is the final one and after I have written about it I can forgive and forget.

Because we are all acting out of fear.

Including myself and my fear was of not having my family’s faith in me.

I know now I do not need their faith.  However, I also know that I am unable to be around them if they do not have faith in me because this diminishes my power.

I have fought hard of late to restore my powers.  WOW they have come back with a vengeance.  Synchronicities are now minor compared to all the other gifts I have been given.

I now have the gift of insight.  I now understand so much and also can't wait to understand so much more.  On second thought I can wait.  There is no such thing as time.

I now trust myself to read what you may have written without letting if effect me.

I know eventually you will see what I see.  There is lots of time.

You can no longer hurt me only you ... and I can't save you ... only God can do that.

It's not my job ... thank God ... I can be honest and open and if you can not hear, it is your loss or because it is not the right time for you to hear.

I have never lied to you.  Though I have left out lots and lots of details.  Because if you could not take the little I told you of the truth imagine if I tried to tell you the whole shebang.

What hurt me the most was that because I was happy you thought I was sick.  Because when I bounced back so quickly from quitting my job and breaking up with Bob and decided to make the best of things you gave me such a hard time.   So hard I could barely stand it.  So hard I had to drink a lot.  When I decided to go to Barbados and write a book and paint on the beach, and maybe even live there for a while you threw me in a hospital.

Oh how often I have heard that you didn't throw me in here.  That the Dr's did.  They tried to search me (strip searched I had thought .... though I am told they don't do this here ... but I am told they don't do a lot of things here)  I did not want this breach of my privacy .... I hope you can understand why now.... look where it has led.  Imagine being on a Form 1, told that you are a suicide risk (God I have never even had so much as a broken bone ... and that  you can not take care of yourself ... something I have been doing for myself and others since I was 17).  This time however it is not going to break me.  This time it will not hurt my self confidence.  Because I know who I am.

If you wonder why I was afraid, just look back over my last two years.  A physic said to me before I said a word to him that I had just experienced the worst two years I was ever to experience.  He was glad I did not call him two years ago.

Why was I brought here in the first place?  Because I was able to bounce back so quickly ... why because I was normally so happy ...  why because I believed in synchronicities and God ... why ... because I loved you despite whatever you did to me ... you are my family ... to me this means I am to love you unconditionally .... So I will.

So I give up the anger that drains me.  Your failures were because of your fears.  My failures were because of my fears.

So perhaps this is all I need to say.  Everyone knows what happened after that. 

The good news is that I will never, ever again suffer anything near so devastating.

What I have in store for me is going to be amazing.  So be prepared to be amazed.

And if you are unable to condone my journey at this time, that is ok, because we will get there together at one time.  That is our destiny.

That is the way God intended it to be

But no more hurting or interfering.  It never was your place.  It only causes hurt and interference in the lives of so many others.

I hope you are on my side.... I am there for you.  Please respect me.


Jul 2, 2007 at 3:30 PM

We love you very much.

We don’t want you to be hurt by us or anyone else.

Please listen to the doctors very carefully as they hold the key.

Hi Diane,
I love you very much too ... the Doctors certainly do not hold the key ... except for Dr. Arani who I am seeing tomorrow.

The Doctors hold the form 1’s........  The nurses hold the keys  ... they are the angels

Love ya

To my Family
I have been thinking about this reply from Diane?  Do you still think that I need to be here?  This is the thing that hurts me the most.  I am trying so hard not to feel hurt ... but I'm sorry.  I just pray none of you interfere again because you have no idea what a predicament it is for me.  Please put yourself in my shoes.... I have felt very alone now for 2 years.  Please please come on my side.  This has just gone too far.  I need some support from you.  If anyone of you dare talk to any of my dr.s or interfere you will be doing me a lot of harm.  I know you don't want to do this.  

Anyway to let you know I did see another Dr. who could not believe I was put on this form.  This Dr. also is aware of my decision to go off my medications and did not say a word.  She knows that I am the only one who knows. Also I hope you can understand how dangerous these drugs are.  Weight gain, high blood pressure and feeling low does not sound like they were doing me any good.  She also is fully aware that I do not have a problem with alcohol.  Unfortunately, I have seen 6-7 dr.'s since I have been here.  So who has the right answer?  I will trust my own judgment and the Dr. I have known the longest. 

So some Dr.'s are cool.  Anyway I am off of the form and come tomorrow can come and go as I please.  The nurses are wonderful and suggested I stay so that I can get some assistance in finding a new apartment.  Also there is someone here who can help me with a business plan.  If there is someone who needs a bed I will leave and go and stay at a hotel until I find an apartment.



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