As I was trying to say yesterday, before Dave came out all in a huff saying he was going to the garage sale, he has told me I can basically stay here for as long as I want and has never once made me feel bad for taking me in. But he is a little impatient at times. I had asked him if he would mind waiting until I finished my journal and by the look of how much I wrote he certainly didn’t give me much time. When I said “Wait for me” he said under his breath “Well make up your mind”. Geeze.
My P.D. asked me during my last visit, as I had told her I didn’t want to give up drinking because I had already lost so much, “What did you lose?” I told her “my independence”. I could have said so many things, like my home, my career, my boyfriend, the respect of many people, ½ my nest egg, my looks, my mind, but what really stuck out to me was this. Now people feel like they have to look after me. So much advice I get, the latest being that I have to turn off the TV. by 12:00 p.m. or it will be taken away from me, but of course me being me I get my back up and am now in the habit of staying up past 1 a.m., because I do not like being told what to do.
There is some part of me that thinks I became an “alcoholic” because people were telling me that I was not allowed to drink. So what do I do, but start drinking. Mainly in the morning, because then you are really being bad. Funny that I didn’t have the urge in the evening (well usually) because this is much more socially accepted. These are all points I am looking forward to discussing when I enter the program.
So Dave and I went to the garage street sale (nothing but junk) and then went to a few nurseries and bought some plants. It was planting day yesterday. I use to love doing this. I dreamt about it for months before hand, poured through seed catalogues, etc. My window boxes were much admired and so was my garden. But, when it’s not your very own it just feels like a lot of work. I was not in the mood and really wanted to get to my own “work”, making my own beauty doing digital layouts but I no longer have my independence. Now I have to appease those closest to me. I guess it is not much different then having a job, but even with my jobs, I was best when I was left to my own devises and could only work for people who appreciated this.
I read this a.m. that people with bipolar disorder are three times more likely to be creative (one of the bipolar groups I belong to on the net). Everyday I think I will write one person’s name that has, or is/was (suicide?) suspected to have this disorder. These people have done some amazing things for the world. Believe it or not, Abraham Lincoln has been thought to suffer from manic depression (that’s what they use to call it ... but I guess it had just too bad of a connotation to continue using the term). This will help me feel proud to have this mental disorder.
After planting we picked up Tom and went over to Carol and Jim’s for dinner. I have not seen any of my sisters since Christmas. I suspect there are many reasons why we are not as close as we were before I had given them so much trouble, grief and worry, but I do miss them. I miss my long conversations with Carol. She is dead on about so many things and as Tom mentioned more than once last night, could be a stand up comedienne. I never realized how funny she is, but now that I think about it, she does get me in stitches no matter what is going on in my life. I think it is very important to be able to laugh about life and especially ourselves, no matter how gruesome you or it gets. It’s helped me through some very dismal times.
She made Indian food which Tom is not a fan of, but he had two plates. She’s also one of the best cooks I know.
It was great to see Courtney and Holly again. I love all my nephews and nieces to pieces. I keep on remembering this phrase from when I was a child. My Godmother, Lorraine, who passed away when I was around six, use to call us the mices. Every time I think about her I remember the song “Enjoy yourself - It’s great to Be Alive”, how often I sing this to myself when I’m feeling ambivalent about life.
No plans for today. I must get my walk in so I should go and get dressed. I am sitting out on the front porch in my pyjamas (no shame).
So what do I feel grateful for today:
MY SISTER CAROL AND LAUGHTER
p.s. it hardly bothered me at all not to have a glass of wine with my dinner, like everyone else except Carol (Thanks for your support!). I do not need it to have a good time.
May 8, 07
CRUMBS ON THE COUNTER
I am once again sitting on the front porch (this time dressed) coffee and cigarette in hand, but with a pounding headache. How my thoughts can change over night. I was up until 2:30 a.m. wondering what I should do. Just read through briefly, my journal, to see if once again I am jumping the gun, but seriously I do think I have got to leave here.
I love the boys dearly for the most part (though I didn’t feel this way last night). However, I don’t think it is good for my recovery from alcohol, depression and over all health management, because it just may lead me to drink again.
At this point in my life I have to look after myself and put myself first. I have heard this over and over again. Maybe I’m just being lazy and do not want to follow all the rules but there are just too many for me to handle right now that I end up screwing up.
Last night I guess I forgot to wipe down one of the granite counter tops in the kitchen properly. All my other chores I had completed. A pot of pea soup in the crock pot, the house spotless, or so I though … actually I was feeling pretty proud of myself, thinking that this time there would be nothing to hold over my head.
I went downstairs when the guys got home at 10:00 p.m. I was welcomed with a venomous greeting from Tom (and I do mean venomous – he is a Scorpio) “Did you know the counter was absolutely filthy” and to Dave’s humming. I have come to learn he does this when he is pissed off at me, and he was doing it a lot yesterday.
I didn’t say a word, went outside, smoked two cigarettes in a row and stayed up half the night spewing about all the little insignificant things that I do that I get in trouble for and planning my departure.
Now how am I going to tell Tom and Dave that I really do not want to stay here anymore? There are just too many rules for me to follow that I am feeling frazzled. Another venomous comment was made to me by Tom yesterday about the plants outside that were dry. Well I can’t be on 24 hour plant patrol!
These rules may sound very insignificant, like little rules to follow, and they should be easy to do but the problem is for the most part I try, but when I get one thing down pat, another rules seems to crop up and then I also seem to screw up occasionally on the things I think I have got down pat. And as I have said before, I’m not that great with rules.
Of course there are the important ones, like do not drink, go to my group sessions, and get out of the house. These are the ones I need to concentrate on right now.
But really, what grownup likes to be told what time to go to bed. I told Tom the other day, “I am not a ten year old” and his remark was, “stop acting like one”. He thinks he is getting me in shape but this boot camp is getting to me. I would never make it in the army.
I know they think I do nothing all day and just waste my time on the computer, but they don’t realize that this is my “job” right now. I want to start a career for myself because this is what will save me. I have taught myself a lot in the last little while and am formalizing what I really want to do. This takes time. I don’t want to feel like a deadbeat. I no longer show the boys anything I am working on because I never get praise, only criticism and I don’t think that is healthy for me either.
I know right now I am complaining because my feelings are hurt and I also know these are very minor things in comparison to all the good things they have done for me (and this is the truth) but right now I am seriously considering going back “home” to Montreal and living with my parents. I just want to make sure I am not deciding this because I am feeling angry.
The more I ponder this the more I see how this could be the right move for me. I just feel too indebted to Tom and Dave for taking me in.
It makes sense to go home. My Mom and Dad are wonderfully supportive. I can concentrate on getting my life back in order. There is lots of room and I can set up my own work area. I can get my furniture out of storage ($300 a month for the last nearly two years). Also I can keep my Mom company.
I can concentrate on getting back into shape. Walk with my Mom and Dad every morning. There is enough room to do yoga and I can watch T.V whenever I want!
So all these ideas are filling my head. The more I think about this the more pros I see. It would be great to get my stuff back. I could redecorate the bedroom with some of the things I love and feel like I am actually home. I have not had a “home” now for nearly two years. One month here, three months there. I should have invested in good luggage.
Bipolar person of the day: Carly Simon
Grateful for: HAVING OPTIONS