April 1, 2008
April 30, 2008
I think we have learnt nearly as much as we need to for now in order to start our true mission? It will be a year at the end of this month when I restarted my life once again. I was told somewhere along the way, I think by a physic (I will have to check out my journals) that I would go through a year of training.
The lessons I have learnt in the last year have astounded me over and over gain. So many of the ideas and morals that they brainwashed me into trying to believe, I now know were all corrupt. Most of them anyway. And I am also seeing how the ones that were true are slipping further and further away from the truth.
But what gives us hope lately, and what has kept us on this journey are the, as we call them, soul dears. The men and women, despite every adversity you can care to think of, who have continued on their journey in order for the truth to get to you and me and we have come to know many on the net.
Every day our vision of the web site becomes clearer and clearer. Our part of this becomes clearer and clearer. Al just said to me that he now understands why it is so important that we learn first. There have been times when we have both felt guilt because we are not “taking care of business” and instead are glued to the internet seeking answers. We have had more education in the last year then countless university degrees would ever furnish you because finally the information is accessible to all. If you just look for it and analyze the motives behind it how the puzzle becomes clearer and clearer.
Today is also the first day this year that there is hope of spring in the air. The temperature is finally in the double digits and the rain has washed away some of the soot on the snow banks, and plants are starting to sprout.
April 30, 2008
It’s time for the next step. This one I will take unencumbered by all those ties that bound me. This time I will walk freely, no longer with the need of having to please those who would prefer to believe in lies. I have done too much of this in my life and each and every time I have felt hurt. I have felt guilt for circumstances that I had no control over.
From this day forward I will only serve my higher power, myself, and the loves of my life. My man Al and my dog Tee. I do not need anything more. How fitting that this should be my final lesson for the year. Exactly one year ago I once again began my journaling and decided to change my life. And change it did. Now it’s time to put all the snippets together and get on with my story.
This was my job. The vision I was given at the beginning of the year. Now it’s time for me to take these lessons and do something with them.
Today I am feeling very blue. I have learnt that I can survive the hurts. I have had enough hurts to know that I will not break despite how painful they have been and once again it is caused by the people closest to me, the people I have loved the dearest. The people I so desperately want to defend and when I do this I just lose myself once again to self doubts. I do not understand why things are the way they are.
Why I’m the villain in their eyes. I looked yesterday for some recognition from my mother that perhaps I have not been treated fairly by the family.
The only reason I can now see is that everyone wants to shoot the messenger. And this is what we are. The black sheep of the world, the messengers, who have been given the word and have been brave enough to pass on the message, despite the consequences.
I was looking forward to my parents visit. So was Al. So was Tee. Excited to tell them of our plans and to include them in our plans.
To shed some light on what has gone on since their last visit in September. Al and I have gone through so much in this last period and have learnt so much. I wanted them to be on our side. My enthusiasm once again has ended in disaster and also finding out some truths that are hard to bare. Namely, that nothing I can do or say will be listened to because you see the truth sometimes is hard to bare.
And when it comes to my family they run away from it. Which literally my parents did. This time I will not follow. This time I must cut those chains that bind me to them.
It started off so well. At least I though so. They arrived Sunday afternoon. Al cooked a wonderful dinner and I of course couldn’t keep my mouth shut about our plans on fixing up the house, selling it and everything in it and getting our butts out of this ever continuing battle of making a living in a country where it is becoming more and more impossible to do so.
We have been doing a lot of research and trust that we are being guided to make a move. Are you a Mexican or Mexicant. ARIBA... ARIBA and it looks pretty good. Financially it makes total sense. We will be able to have a viable business and website too! And how fitting, the first day I met Al, I was discussing the possibility of just taking off and going to Mexico. Since my last trip, where I was given so many messages, I have had a calling to go back in order to decipher them. The other option at the time was to get an apartment and then go to Mexico. Little did either of us know at the time that we would be taking this trip together and so far it has been one hell of a roller coaster ride. One I have come to understand that my family prefers not to ride. So instead, they will believe the rules that society has put on us and unfortunately they will be missing the point.
The Devine works in strange and beautiful ways. I know there is a reason for everything that has transpired so far. God does not wink at us for nothing.
While these plans did seem to make sense to my parents for some reason I sensed that they felt we had some ulterior motives. Which I promise we don’t unless wanting to have people who you think love you around and wanting those you care about be safe. But this is how far the last 5 years have torn my family apart. They would prefer to think that I have some sort of mental disorder then admit that there is a problem with our society.
Anyway by the end of the evening I gave up trying to convince them on perhaps moving to Mexico for part of the year and instead we told them we would like to celebrate their 50th anniversary with them in the Yukatan. They could just visit us whenever they liked.
I mentioned to my Dad, right after I escaped the mental institution that I had a dream that we would be together in the Yukatan, for their 50th anniversary. I told him at the time I was writing it down and it is there is my book, all but forgotten, prior to a few days ago. My Dad looked at this book yesterday. Perhaps that is what is giving him fear? This book contains many messages a little difficult to comprehend. Ones perhaps I should include in this journal because they are further proof of a higher power.
Monday we had a pleasant day, or so I though. Other than having to put together my income tax. This is something that always gives me fear. Bureaucracy. Not to mention it makes me physically ill to see how much has been stolen from us and to be honest I get vocal when it comes to this subject. Our government is criminal. No doubt in my mind. But of course most of us have been taught to put up and shut up, safer in the end. So I am assuming that this also did not sit well with them.
Not to mention that for some reason, when I am around my family, I have a strong urge to drink. And as I found out at Jean Tweed’s I don’t have an alcohol problem I have a trigger problem. And it’s unfortunate to say that my family seems to pull some triggers. There are other triggers too.
And this is what I have come to understand today is an important lesson for me to have learnt. That I have allowed my feelings that right now are very ambivalent about my family to control my moods and doing what is right for me. So today I understand that no matter how well intentioned everyone may be, choosing to live by a lie rather than the truth will only kill you in the end and I have been shot down enough.
So while I regret that I have upset the apple cart, I feel deep down that my choice to do this was the only way for me to be true to what I am really meant to do.
So strange that something I said that I though was really quite mundane, blew the shit to the fan. I’m sure this wasn’t all. But this is the instance that makes me see why so many people have trouble in hearing the truth.
I asked my Dad what he thought about the fluoride fiasco. Well in case, you are not aware, fluoride is yet another drug added to make us good sheep, not to mention kill us if enough is ingested.
Not for one second did the thought ever enter my mind that my Dad would feel responsible for this. He cleaned the water for years. That was his profession. Of course I realize that he did what he was taught was right but bringing this up made my father angry with me. I also found out while they were here that he was also angry with me for sending out information about the many evils we are facing today by forwarding Zeitgeist to everyone on my email list.
It’s all out there for anyone to see. Something I feel strongly we need to share. If we can’t even look at it how in hell can we ever do anything about it! And why get angry at me?
Well I guess this was the beginning of the end and my Mom did not want to listen to me. She was so distraught. It became another them against me discussion and I must be honest I do hold a lot of hostility about how my family has treated my values and opinions.
Perhaps it was not fair of me to tell her that when I was in counselling and in group sessions that people actually cried for me when I told them the truth about how my family has treated me. I know that no one was more surprised then me that others were hurting for me because I was always told, always felt that we were one of the closest families… and this is what is so sad, this is what society has done to us. It has torn us apart and if I am feeling so blue today it’s because it is looking harder and harder for us to mend.
So perhaps the only way for me to mend is to do what my parents did last night and pack up and get the hell out of here.