May 22, 2007 AFTERMATH CONTINUED

May 22, 2007

Ok Lesa, relax, I have to stay calm.  I think right now if I’m to accomplish anything this has to be paramount in my mind.  I don’t want to come off as a raving lunatic again, who is trying to help save the world.  Got in a lot of hot water for this the last time.  No one believed or listened to what I was trying to tell them and to be honest with you it did not make a lot of sense to me either.  Oh, but what information for some reason I have been given, and what I am thinking continues with my last journey into so called “madness”.  Now one I am very much questioning.

Maybe just maybe, I was not so crazy after all!

Perhaps I was just misunderstood and maybe this is the gift and the curse of individuals with bi-polar disorder?  Maybe the world hasn’t been ready to hear us and doesn’t understand that there is some part of the brain that allows some of us to see the world in a different way.  That perhaps we have a sixth sense?  Anyway I am investigating this.  Perhaps we are here for different purposes, that no one understands, especially not us.

Am I afraid – you betcha.  Do I think that if I tell people what has been going on they will pooh pooh the idea, you betcha.  So what do I know?  I have to relax about all these Godwinks that are once again falling like rain.

Look where it got me the last time.  Certainly not where I thought!  I thought I had so many answers.  I thought Bob would be my partner in this.  I was so sure I gave him my journal to read.  So when Bob said that despite all the coincidences between him and I, and I could write pages and pages of them, which I will one day, and you can decide for yourself, if I didn’t have some reason to think like I did, because it was so very, very strange, that maybe these things were meant actually to be pointing me in another direction, and that he was not interested, well I was upset for a few days.

I think that is a normal reaction.  Wouldn’t you be?  Oh, so many strange things happened after that.  It didn’t just end there.  The Godwinks kept happening.  Everyone became worried about me but I didn’t give up on my mission until after I left the mental institution.  I was so drugged up  afterwards that I basically felt nothing, but aggravation, anxiety and hunger.

I was given medication, (I should find out the name, to warn anyone taking it) that made me so ravenous that I ate everything in sight.  Dr. Armani took me off it immediately.  He said he wouldn’t prescribe this pill to his worst enemy.  At the end of a year I would weight 300 lbs. and I would eat rocks I would be so hungry.  I wasn’t going to take it anyway because a three month prescription came to something like $3000 … maybe more.  I was so doped up at the time it is hard to remember.  So I guess I shouldn’t complain that much about the extra 40 lbs. and $300/month for prescriptions.

Where this is all leading, as I so well know by now, will not be where I can even imagine.

Probably lung cancer, because I am smoking cigarette after cigarette, trying to calm down.  Relax, Lesa.

Relax Lesa.  There is only one thing I know, without a shadow of a doubt, and that is that I am not crazy, but trying to convince everyone else, if I tell them what has been happening, will not be so easy to do.

I haven’t been drinking either.  But I would love something to calm my nerves. 

Guess it was kind of crazy for me to think I was 

going to a surprise party for myself because I was 

to be leaving for Barbados shortly. When in fact 

I was being brought to a mental institution 

where I was put under lock and key for my 1^st week,

or 10 days, I am not sure.  The reason they held 

me against my will was because I  ran from the premises

after being told I was to be strip searched

when Carol and Jim first brought me in. 

I now realize I should never have returned.   That 
place could very well have driven me to insanity.  Only
the large tranquilizers I was given made being behind bars with 24 hour
watchman on guard, bearable.  This time was mostly spent in despair.
  Much of it on the telephone with family members, who at the time were packing
up my apartment and making arrangements for my life without my approval.
  No one dared visit or call me.  I had to do the calling and many very loud, escalated 
calls ensued.   Of course, this would make my incarceration look justified.
  After all I was mentally deranged.  Look how angry she is.
  At one point I was so distraught I actually took the advice of one of the nurses
and called a minister and we prayed together that my family would see the light.
  To be fair there were many kind nurses there.
  The psychiatrists just took notes and prescribed drugs.      

What I witnessed is still very clear in my mind.  It was a very strange period in my life.  One I would prefer to forget most of.  However, it was also a revealing period.  When the student is ready the teacher will come.

More stories for another day, but how all these stories are tying in together is absolutely amazing.  Oh just remembered I used that word a lot also before I was brought to CAMH and drugged up with prescriptions.  After wards not much seemed too amazing to me anymore.

I am beginning to understand why I have been self-medicating.  Get it guys.  Please do.  I haven’t been downing bottles and bottles of vodka everyday.  Normally, I was having a few drinks during the day, like so many other people I know.  Only I have to hide it.  So I want you to put my problem with alcohol into perspective.

Here I go again trying to gain everyone’s approval.  Something I have tried hard to do for the last year and three quarters and look what  has happened.  I am now a disappointment to everyone.  So now I am going to think what I want and not let what others may think affect me.

Things like watching the news and paying attention to what is really going on with this world.  What is wrong with reading newspapers,  searching the internet and watching controlled media all day when so many things are going on in the world?  What is wrong with questioning government, religion, Bush, 9/11, Homeland Secuity's involvement in Hurricane Katrina and voicing your opinions?  Look where and what other messes the world has been in since then.

Oh, how I argued with people about my dislike of Bush.  Not that anyone I knew liked him, but they couldn’t have foreseen how much he was to become disliked.  How I had such disdain for most of the media and how you could tell so much was being controlled because of the almighty buck!

No wonder I sometimes gave money to street people.  Hey, I was living on one of the nicest streets, in one of the nicest houses, in one of the nicest cities in the world.  All I tried to say one day was that I felt maybe we could do more.  I still can’t get over the uproar that caused.  Lesa must be off her rocker.  I never for one second meant to insinuate that anyone I was saying this to was not doing their share, because I thought I had great, kind friends.  When I said this I could not believe how misunderstood I was.  Everyone left my party after rudely giving me their two cents worth, except for Dani, who stayed back and gave me a hug.  Everyone was so taken aback that I had even dared utter “Maybe we can do more”.

The following day I called my Mom to tell her what transpired the evening before.  I also mentioned to her I thought perhaps we all could all do something for the world.  After all, I do come from a family that has resources.  We are all good with children.  I was dreaming of  helping  children in Barbados in someway.    It was just a suggestion or dream at that time.  

The next day Debbie, who I thought of as a sister, and we have had our share of sisterly ups and downs, asked me “well if I thought I could do more what would I like to do”.

This was a big question and what I was really thinking was how about just not shielding our selves from what is actually going on in the world.  Also let’s have a dialogue about this.   I didn't say this because I knew the backlash this would cause so instead I thought about it and what would make me happy.  Perhaps, not saving the world but adopting a child.  Debbie thought this was ridiculous.  So when Lauren said she thought this is what I should do the other day, it was very sweet for me.

I use to be timid about saying what I felt, but after going through 20 years of living with someone who couldn’t hear or would get angry with me for saying my feelings, especially if they were negative, I had finally found my voice and was using it every time I could.

I certainly spoke up at my last job with ING.  Corporate life disgusted me for many reasons.    My therapist had told me not to go back.  It was important for me to do something I enjoyed. This job made me very unhappy.  There are many stories I can tell you about that fiasco too! 

So I guess when I had had it up to here with all the corporate bullshit and egos, I wasn’t that crazy to just walk out one day and never return.

Life is too short.

At that point in my life I was becoming awakened  to the truth in so many areas.  Now this is happening again.  Now that I allow myself to feel what I feel and think what I think.  I am very hesitant about letting anyone know.

Because when I let people know my thoughts, and most of them have never been revealed, most people (especially my family) had a difficult time understanding.  I had so many arguments with my family, something that never happened in the past.  All they wanted was the old “Lisa” back and I have tried for the last year and three quarters to do this but now I see it is not healthy for me.

Yesterday and this morning one coincidence after another.  Information wherever I look; books, television, and especially the internet.

Yesterday, things to remember and investigate:

Tele evangelists – (disgust me)

Farwell and his death

Jane Fonda – CIA

Lebanon

Diabetes Drug recall

Michael Moore – new movie “Sicko” regarding health care

I began tracking a few things because I am seeing patterns regarding: bi-polar, religion (especially extremists), Bush.

There is evil in this world and it comes from powerful men who misconstrue everything for their own benefit. 

Come judgment day these guys are going to have a lot of explaining to do.

Now my job is trying to get my voice out there. and trying to ensure I don’t become labeled mad doing it. I wonder, just wonder if this is what drives the mind into depression?

The world is certainly looking like a big mess right now and there is no way one middle aged, overweight, bi-polar alcoholic is going to save it, but what is the harm in trying?

Bipolar Person of the day:  Emily Dickinson

What to be grateful for; 

Being bi-polar - it certainly makes life interesting