I am livid with anger. I have a lot of beautiful things I would love to write about. I have been very busy. It is 3:33 a.m. How I wish I could have a cigarette but of course this system is made to try and break us one way or another. I refuse to let those imbeciles get to me!
Really, can you honestly believe I had had enough of their ridiculous rules yesterday that I decided to pack up and ship out.
As I have not had the opportunity to write about yet, I am not wanted anywhere!
This is so strange. I know this absolutely will make no sense to anyone reading it, and as I have come to find out… a lot of people will have a hard time believing me. Hell, my own mother is still telling me that I need to take pills. Oh, do I have a lot of things to tell you about these pills. They will kill you one way or the other but most likely what will happen is that you will take these pills and then more pills, and then more pills, and more pills and then you will get a bad reaction, like horrible weight gain, for one example.
Even the USA has taken Seroquel off the market because the drug companies are being sued by the public as it has been proven to cause heart disease. Well I guess it is no longer a money making drug. I have never had high blood pressure in my life and since taking this fucking DRUG (get it … it is called a drug for something) my blood pressure is sky high and of course you know about my ankles and legs swelling and the weight gain caused by Seroquel. So it is not surprising that this drug has led to lawsuits. What is surprising is that psychiatrists are still pushing it on us. It seems to be the number one seller around here. I wonder who manufactures it? I hope they get lawsuits galore.
Well today is a new day and I am planning on being as good a girl as I possibly can, in order that I don’t get arrested or put on some other form, and some other form, and then some other drug and some other drug. Anyway, yesterday and the day before I definitely needed to take something to calm me down so I took any drug that was offered me… except the seroquel.
So today all the festivities happen. Oh well, I will at least be able to watch them from the craft room. I can see the CN Tower and also the lake from this prison so there should be a fabulous view of the fire works from here tonight. I have many things I can do that I ejoy. One of them is writing in this journal.
But by favorite thing to do right now is art. Since I have been here, in the last week plus one day (I will tell you it feels like months) I have created a lot of different art pieces.
Right now I am working on a huge canvas and am doing a collage/painting. I will entitle it “Intimate Love is the only answer”. I have been cutting out pictures of fear. I will tell you they are certainly easy to find.
I am planning on taking a circle template and painting inside the circles, black, yellow, red and white, the colour of the races. Then I am going to write the word Fear in all colours of the rainbow. Perhaps I will put the peace sign in the middle of the circles? I could use three triangles in order to make the peace sign within the circles. Those are WOW NOW symbols. The circle of life and the trinity.
So many different things I wanted to get down on paper, but I guess these will come out later?
I still have not written out the Mexico story. I suspect it was not time because the further time goes on the more profound my story becomes.
Oh, I can’t wait to get there. But my new friend Michelle had a good suggestion. Perhaps I should take advantage of the facilities in here and staff and get settled into a new apartment before I take my vacation?
This does make a lot more sense, as I still have no where to live or no one who will take me in. This is a difficult one for me to handle. So where would I come back to after my trip? Besides that I love moving just as much as I love travelling and I still have painter Bob who has offered to help me with the move.
I will go on Viewit today. Perhaps I can find one of those old fixer uppers and I can make something out of nothing again.
Ten more minutes until smoke break. Better than the day before when I had to wait for a nurse to go and at times this could take hours. It certainly was putting me in a bad mood.
Yesterday was my worst day in eons. I cried a lot yesterday and the day before. Because of losing my freedom and becoming an in mate and because of talking to my parents. How they said such hurtful things to me.
I do not believe these are my parents. They are being ruled by fear and it makes me worry and I no longer want to be ruled by fear. So it is time for me to stop talking to them.
I get off the phone so distraught that I can barely function. I have never wept so deeply in all my life.
Why would my Dad insinuate I was a:
and on and on and on
daughter. I know my parents love me like I love them. So being treated this way breaks my heart. But I have to be strong for everyone.
This is my role in life:
To be Strong – to be Brave – to be Beautiful
I am humbled to have this role and I know we will suit each other well.
Yeah... time for a smoke.
I know I am also breaking their heart but I can no longer go by their rules. It is about time I became an adult.
What strange weather we are having. It is absolutely freezing in here.
Just talked to Gail. I asked her what she does. She is a wife and mother and keeper of the house. The most noble job in the world and the most undervalued. I also told her teachers and nurses were in this category. She worked for Revenue Canada for seven years. She told me a lot of stupidity goes on there. Bet you are not surprised.
There is something mysterious about the doctor that put me on the Form 1? I think he has ulterior motives for keeping me here. We agreed on everything other than his diagnosis of me being a danger to myself … gee wiz... and unable to look after myself.
He kept on staring at the baby jaguar on my tee shirt (by the way I dressed all in black) and I did not get the impression that he was looking at my breasts. I guess one day I will understand what has transpired here.
Anyway it gave the girls a good laugh. Me freaking out and saying I was going to smoke my ass off in the building if they were not going to let me out.
Today I have decided to enjoy myself. Hell if Gandhi could be locked away for so many years and come out so peaceful, maybe there is something liberating about getting all our rights taken away from us?
I did not like the doctor I saw yesterday. He was an over bearing, arrogant bastard. I don’t understand how the nurses thought he was “nice”. Perhaps I am missing something once again?
Anyway, I thought it was quite comical handing him both my marked up Form 1 and a copy of our Freedom of Rights. Of course he did not comment on either. All he did was interrupt me when I tried to get my points across to him. I also brought in the rounded edge kindergarten scissors that are locked up in the craft cabinet and we are not allowed to take out.
At one point of this ordeal I tried calling 911 only to find out mental patients do not have the right to call 911 nor do the nurses. What a safe haven for us.
I was so frustrated even before I saw him. Despite being told I was to see him the previous day, then told I would see him early in the morning, it was not until after two in the afternoon that he sauntered in. By then I was not a happy camper. Especially because I had been dying for a cigarette and was told if I were to leave and he came in I would lose my opportunity to discuss my fate.
I have always wondered what gives these guys the right to make us wait and wait for them and if we are late for our appointments we are charged!