Saturday, January 15, 2011


I am livid with anger.  I have a lot of beautiful things I would love to write about.  I have been very busy.  It is 3:33 a.m.  How I wish I could have a cigarette but of course this system is made to try and break us one way or another.  I refuse to let those imbeciles get to me! 

Really, can you honestly believe I had had enough of their ridiculous rules yesterday that I decided to pack up and ship out.

As I have not had the opportunity to write about yet, I am not wanted anywhere!

This is so strange.  I know this absolutely will make no sense to anyone reading it, and as I have come to find out… a lot of people will have a hard time believing me.  Hell, my own mother is still telling me that I need to take pills.  Oh, do I have a lot of things to tell you about these pills.  They will kill you one way or the other but most likely what will happen is that you will take these pills and then more pills, and then more pills, and more pills and then you will get a bad reaction, like horrible weight gain, for one example.

Even the USA has taken Seroquel off the market because the drug companies are being sued by the public as it has been proven to cause heart disease.  Well I guess it is no longer a money making drug.  I have never had high blood pressure in my life and since taking this fucking DRUG (get it … it is called a drug for something) my blood pressure is sky high and of course you know about my ankles and legs swelling and the weight gain caused by Seroquel.  So it is not surprising that this drug has led to lawsuits.  What is surprising is that psychiatrists are still pushing it on us.  It seems to be the number one seller around here.  I wonder who manufactures it?  I hope they get lawsuits galore.

Well today is a new day and I am planning on being as good a girl as I possibly can,  in order that I don’t get arrested or put on some other form, and some other form, and then some other drug and some other drug.  Anyway, yesterday and the day before I definitely needed to take something to calm me down so I took any drug that was offered me… except the seroquel. 
So today all the festivities happen.  Oh well, I will at least be able to watch them from the craft room.  I can see the CN Tower and also the lake from this prison so there should be a fabulous view of the fire works from here tonight.  I have many  things I can do that I ejoy.  One of them is writing in this journal.

But by favorite thing to do right now is art.  Since I have been here, in the last week plus one day (I will tell you it feels like months) I have created a lot of different art pieces.

Right now I am working on a huge canvas and am doing a collage/painting.  I will entitle it “Intimate Love is the only answer”.  I have been cutting out pictures of fear.  I will tell you they are certainly easy to find. 

I am planning on taking a circle template and painting inside the circles, black, yellow, red and white, the colour of the races.  Then I am going to write the word Fear in all colours of the rainbow.  Perhaps I will put the peace sign in the middle of the circles?  I could use three triangles in order to make the peace sign within the circles.  Those are WOW NOW symbols.  The circle of life and the trinity.

So many different things I wanted to get down on paper, but I guess these will come out later?

I still have not written out the Mexico story.  I suspect it was not time because the further time goes on the more profound my story becomes.

Oh, I can’t wait to get there.  But my new friend Michelle had a good suggestion.  Perhaps I should take advantage of the facilities in here and staff and get settled into a new apartment before I take my vacation?

This does make a lot more sense, as I still have no where to live or no one who will take me in.  This is a difficult one for me to handle.  So where would I come back to after my trip?  Besides that I love moving just as much as I love travelling and I still have painter Bob who has offered to help me with the move.

I will go on Viewit today.  Perhaps I can find  one of those old fixer uppers and I can make something out of nothing again.

Ten more minutes until smoke break.  Better than the day before when I had to wait for a nurse to go and at times this could take hours.  It certainly was putting me in a bad mood.

Yesterday was my worst day in eons.  I cried a lot yesterday and the day before.  Because of losing my freedom and becoming an in mate and because of talking to my parents.  How they said such hurtful things to me.

I do not believe these are my parents.  They are being ruled by fear and it makes me worry and I no longer want to be ruled by fear.  So it is time for me to stop talking to them.

I get off the phone so distraught that I can barely function.  I have never wept so deeply in all my life.

Why would my Dad insinuate I was a:

and on and on and on

daughter.  I know my parents love me like I love them.  So being treated this way breaks my heart.  But I have to be strong for everyone.

This is my role in life:

To be Strong – to be Brave – to be Beautiful

I am humbled to have this role and I know we will suit each other well.

Yeah... time for a smoke.

I know I am also breaking their heart but I can no longer go by their rules.  It is about time I became an adult.

What strange weather we are having.  It is absolutely freezing in here.

Just talked to Gail.  I asked her what she does. She is a wife and mother and keeper of the house.  The most noble job in the world and the most undervalued.  I also told her teachers and nurses were in this category.  She worked for Revenue Canada for seven years.  She told me a lot of stupidity goes on there.  Bet you are not surprised.

There is something mysterious about the doctor that put me on the Form 1?  I think he has ulterior motives for keeping me here.  We agreed on everything other than his diagnosis of me being a danger to myself … gee wiz... and unable to look after myself.

He kept on staring at the baby jaguar on my tee shirt (by the way I dressed all in black) and I did not get the impression that he was looking at my breasts.   I guess one day I will understand what has transpired here.

Anyway it gave the girls a good laugh.  Me freaking out and saying I was going to smoke my ass off in the building if they were not going to let me out.

Today I have decided to enjoy myself.  Hell if Gandhi could be locked away for so many years and come out so peaceful, maybe there is something liberating about getting all our rights taken away from us?

I did not like the doctor I saw yesterday.  He was an over bearing, arrogant bastard.  I don’t understand how the nurses thought he was “nice”.  Perhaps I am missing something once again?

Anyway, I thought it was quite comical handing him both my marked up Form 1 and a copy of our Freedom of Rights.  Of course he did not comment on either.  All he did was interrupt me when I tried to get my points across to him.  I also brought in the rounded edge kindergarten scissors that are locked up in the craft cabinet and we are not allowed to take out.

At one point of this ordeal I tried calling 911 only to find out mental patients do not have the right to call 911 nor do the nurses.  What a safe haven for us.

I was so frustrated even before I saw him.  Despite being told I was to see him the previous day, then told I would see him early in the morning, it was not until after two in the afternoon that he sauntered in.  By then I was not a happy camper.  Especially because I had been dying for a cigarette and was told if I were to leave and he came in I would lose my opportunity to discuss my fate. 

I have always wondered what gives these guys the right to make us wait and wait for them and if we are late for our appointments we are charged!


Hi Mom
Sorry for getting so angry but read the following emails ... do these sound like a daughter or sister filled with anger.... I should not get angry at you for sure.... it is not you I am angry at.  You have been nothing but the best mothers in the world ... don’t forget it....

I guess I will give us all some time to cool off while I am in Mexico.  I know Mother's are supposed to worry.... that's what they are told.... so I will email you as often as possible.

Can't wait.  This is a very exciting adventure for me ... and I am in good hands.  Also I have a friend that I met on the internet that I am going to meet up with.... Her husband recently died and she could use some support.

Just waiting to see the Dr. who is supposed to be nice?  I sure hope so.  The ones that lock you up you would like to punch out.... Anyway I will let you know how it goes. 

I will take an adivan if I need to get my points across anymore ... because you are right no one wants to listen to someone who yells at you.

Love ya
Give a kiss and a hug to teepoo and the kids .... tell them I miss them

Love you too Lesa and all I want is for you to be happy and safe.
Love Mom

Jun 30, 2007 at 8:01 AM
Re: I am sorry for hanging up on you
Hi Lorraine,
I am just concerned that you talked to my family.... Who have once again become paranoid? Boy there are lots of things going on and I really feel like I need a friend (my best one). Though I have made lots of great new friends who I am sure you will meet one day.

So many wonder full stories and also a lot of upheaval. Ginger had called me and she understands my family more as she was with us the first time I was put into the hospital. 

Anyway I am off to Mexico this week ... for a long needed vacation.... I'll try and keep in touch ... sure I will find some internet cafe.  First time in my life I am going to go somewhere on my own other than for business.  Heard everyone should try it once.

How are you doing????  Wedding plans getting in order?  Did you finish decorating?

I didn't think being against me was an option?  Really my feelings are very easily hurt lately.  I am so tired of being treated like a piece of shit. Why would I even think that you should be against me?  I was just inquiring if perhaps you were worried about me? 

Well, it has been a nightmare. Yes I am in CAMH on a form 1 believe it or not. This happened yesterday, which means I am a danger to myself and unable to look after myself!!!!

And if you agree at all you don't know me and I don't care to once again have to defend myself.

I have been nothing but kind, considerate, even keeled (thought I must say I did kick up quite a fuss AFTER they put me on this form).  I can not even go downstairs for more than 10 mins. to have a cigarette.
I am very well liked here by the nurses and the patients as is usual. I have not done anything to warrant them keeping me in.  It is so ridiculous I am going to sue the pants off of them.   My other dr.s say I do not have bipolar ... the people at the Jean Tweed centre, I'm sure would say wonderful things, and have about me. Such as amazing, considerate, spiritual, kind, compassionate, etc., etc., Certainly dangerous would not be one of them. You would not believe what goes on in this place!!!  One of these days I will fill you in on everything.   And if you think I am a little paranoid, you're right.  I was told today that if I were to leave they would arrest me.

Now I can only see yet one other dr. who will not know me ... who will make a decision on Tuesday ... whether or not I can be released.   I came here to get off my medications that I obviously had not needed.   These medications are very harmful.  They put me into a mild depressed state for 2 years and made me gain believe it or not 50 lbs.  They have been recalled in the states because a lot of people were suing the drug company because of heart attacks. My blood pressure was sky high for the first time in my life due to these pills, which caused both the water and weight gain.  They are giving me diuretics.    

Well I have been weaning off of them and am hoping to get back to my regular weight.

Despite everything, I was feeling very happy and looking forward to getting on with my life until this happened.  Now I am livid.   They did this to me the last time at CAMH because I ran out when they told me they were going to strip search me.

Wait till you read my book ... that is if I ever get time to put everything that has been happening into it.

I am finding it very difficult to understand what has been going on with those I thought were the closest to me.  I have not heard from any of my sisters since being told that I was not allowed in their homes unless I admitted to being bipolar and an alcoholic.  Even if I were both why would you not allow me in your home?   They are finally seeing there errors in this department.   But look what the outcome has caused!  I just hope you never find yourself locked up and have all your rights taken away from you.     

Forgive me if you think I am coming off a little strong. But will someone please, please see that perhaps I need some love and compassion not judgment.   This whole ordeal, since leaving your place has been very trying and I have always tried to make the best of everything but right now I feel like crying.   How many people have I helped in my life ... why don't I even get a phone call or an email from anybody?  

I was supposed to be going to Mexico tomorrow.  Going standby and back to the last place I stayed in Cancun.  Not sure how long I will be there... if I can ever get out of this jail.

Also for some strange reason I did not get that apartment??? I was the only one who wanted to take it for July.  My finances are good, my references good, there should have been no reason for me not to get it.  The guy wouldn't even return my phone calls.  I wonder if this was more family interference?   

Diane came into the family meeting. The lies and exaggerations she told were also had to bare.  Yes, they are my family, I know they love me, but that doesn't make them right.  I find this type of treatment hard to understand how they are doing it for my own good?  She said things like I had naked pictures strewn all over the internet, ohh that is just an example ... but her comments certainly didn't help and now my regular dr. is on vacation for three weeks.

I do have my phone with me but no one even bothers to call.

Jun 30, 2007
The heavens are conspiring to cause delays where you can't afford to have them.  Such is the nature of the mercury retrograde.  Yes, it is uncomfortable, but before you know it, you will understand that these hitches and glitches were an absolute stroke of luck. 
    The Universe


To my family

I just had a horrible discussion with Dad.  I am very, very upset once again.  He had me sobbing ... this will not be good for my release, now they will surely think I am moody, depressed or whatever they want to label me, bipolar probably, so I will never get out of here.  Once again I will be in trouble.  I was looking to get some sympathy and some understanding (maybe even some ideas on how I can get out of this lonnie bin) and this is what I get.  What everyone here is telling me is that I should take this to court and also to the Human Rights Commission.  But will my family even consider this.  No, because they have a hard time believing me.  They think I need to have more medication even though it has been causing me so many problems ... even though I don't need it. 

Why would he bring up the discussion about alcohol?  Haven't we discussed that one over and over again?  How much more truth does my family need ... I have had it ... go find out for yourself (talk to Jean Tweed, talk to some professionals, but of course I don't trust you guys to do this because you once again will exaggerate the story). If I am not allowed in my family's homes because I drink so be it (this is what Dad is telling me). How many alcoholics, real ones have stayed with us!!!   But your sister is different, even though she is not an alcoholic, she must still abide by your rules.  She is shunned by the family, who I thought loved me.

No one, once again, is obviously believing me. Read my journal, if you dare. You can't take the truth.   Self medicating is not an alcoholic.  I have had times where I have drank too much, as most people in this world that we know. Many of these times were before I was taken to the hospital and locked up in a AWOL ward. Boy, you wouldn't have many friends or family if you didn't allow “alcoholics” in your home.   

I was accused of stealing because I took drinks from Diane's liquor cabinet, I guess? Like she can't afford it or didn't have enough. It wasn't like she offered to take me to a liquor store.  We all like our wine on Friday.   Like it was locked up ... give me a break.
Usually this was when I was looking after her kids.  How often have I offered to look after the kids?  And you betcha I drank when no one was around. Not much but a little and shame on me in the morning.  Yes, I can be rebellious.  I told you this all before.   It was a little tense living with her to put it mildly. Jean Tweed certainly understood why I did this.  But they are professionals and not my family. 
Diane feels she needs to control me. Her reaction at the family meeting was despicable. Why was the liquor under lock and key? I've seen everyone of my family go into it with out asking, just as you have done at my house and as we do at each other homes but once again I am in a different status.  Someone not to have faith in which makes me feel you have no love for me because part of love is respect. 

Diane, if you don't like what I am saying try to imagine how I feel about what you said about me in that meeting.  And can you imagine how I felt when you told me I must leave your house within three day and find my own apartment and that not one other sister would take me in. This was not the first time you made me leave your house.

No,this is not supposed to be hurtful.  Ohh, but Lesa is hurt and when Lesa is hurt she drinks. So perhaps you will get your wish after all and I will become an alcoholic, bag lady.  Then you can say see, I told you so.

You have caused a lot of hurt, things now I must dig myself out of without any help.

I guess I will have to rent a hotel room and try to find an apartment after coming back from my vacation.  You are not welcome there until I am welcome in your house.

Thanks once again for all your help and compassion

Sorry for being a bitch but after having two of the worst years of my life and two of the worst days in my life I am tired of being the nice guy.  I will get myself out of this mess as I always have. I will not try and think of why I got into these messes in the first place. 

Family should not try and diagnose diseases, or alcoholism. Haven’t you at least learnt this from Jean Tweeds?  Of course you understand the part about you did not cause it,  or change it and you have your boundaries.  But to have boundaries that are so stringent when I am not an alcoholic and boundaries that are so cruel I think you didn't get the message right.  I do not even live with any of you so it certainly should not be your concern.  When they talk about boundaries it is usually for teenagers and direct family members, or for people who are causing problems in your home.  I asked Janet once what I was like when I had been drinking ... she said happy.  Guess Lesa is not allowed to be happy because she either ends up in a mental institution or she has had a drink. 

Anyway I guess you will be better off without me as I have also been called caring only for myself and that I am giving everyone health problems.

Too bad you are losing a good sister.

In the past year I have barely had an opportunity to drink with everyone looking over my shoulder.  This will surely cause someone to become an alcoholic.  Another thing we learnt in Jean Tweeds. This is a normal reaction.

I went to an alcohol clinic where I was told I could drink.
I went to a rehab clinic where I was told I could drink even before I entered!!!!!!!
I went to see my dr. who has no concerns about my drinking.  He told me if I had alcohol problems he would be able to tell.

I drank because I wanted to have control over something in my life.  And I did control my drinking.   The only time I didn't ... and it wasn't that bad was when I decided to go to Jean Tweeds while I was in Montreal ... and really was I stumbling around drunk who could not carry a conversation or get anything done.  I packed more boxes for Lorraine than she did.

I never put any restrictions on anyone ever in my life.

I get the impression from Dad that nothing has changed with the family.

Until there are changes my nurses have advised me that I should not have contact with anyone.  It is too hurtful for me. 

Boy, I was feeling good when I left Jean Tweed’s.... can you imagine how I am feeling now.  I know this hurts you too but you at least have the rest of the family. I feel I am all alone in the world.  I can't even have Teepoo.  Also what about my computer and camera.  I guess I dare not ask anyone to drop this off because it just may be too much inconvenience. 

It is a very scary feeling being alone but I guess that is the way it has to be.

I thought families were supposed to love unconditionally.  Obviously I can do that but some of the other ones can't.   So they can let me know whether I am welcome or not ... and believe me I will have a drink.   This creates alcohol problems in case you are not aware.  Why did you think I had to sneak a drink.  This is all in my records at Jean Tweeds. 

I know you think that I am the one that is the bad one but I will tell you I have never been so hurt and disappointed in my life.  When I most need some help because I am going through hell this is what I get instead.

Perhaps we just have to part ways.  It has become unbearable for me.  I want to get on with my life but I can't with all these hostilities.

Even if I was an alcoholic AND READ ME LOUD AND CLEAR ONCE AND FOR ALL ... I AM NOT.... how could you not accept me into your homes?  How could you not offer me some support when I am going through such a difficult period?  I know Mom you are trying your best but Dad told me he had been talking about me with you. once again behind my back. So what other things are being said?  No wonder no one can contact me. If this is how my own parents are treating me you betcha I am angry and so so so so very hurt.

Why was I feeling that my life was in such good order until now?   Boy sounds like two years ago all over.

Doesn'myt  family see what they are doing? I just hope that none of you ever have to go through this because I can't think of a much worse thing than being talked badly about, ostracized.... not a phone call.... not an email ... and what would you have done on the weekend if I decided to have a drink?  Throw me out?

I have so many doubts now.  I feel like I have no one in this whole wide world. 

This is what I get in return for trying to be a good sister and daughter.  I get blamed for everything, even your feelings. 

We were once a very good close family.  But as I am well aware of this is ALL MY FAULT.


I know this is not you Mom. But everyone is hurting you, not just me.

I am sooo, sooo very sad....  and you can hear me loud and clear about this ... unless I am treated as a regular member of my family I don't want to go to your home.   I am strong.  I will make my own life.  I don't need anyone.

I just want my dog, computer and camera.  So if someone could figure out how I can get it, I would appreciate it, if this is not asking too much?  Also the box on top of my computer (in black bag).  I will buy myself a new plug as I see that Tom and Dave have also not been in touch with me.  Or just let me know when you are not there and I will take a taxi and pick it up myself if I am ever to get out of this place.

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