December 23, 2008
Just before I left for Grace’s Internet Café yesterday Al said to me “I hate to tell you this Lesa, but you know the response you get from your parents will not be one you want to hear”. And I knew this walking out the door and I was prepared to read the worst and I did.
I will tell you I need a good strong drink after this one.
I called a cab, stopped off at the liquor store, come back to the Inn and drank some of the anger away. The hurt however is coming in waves this morning. I am trying so hard not to let these people hurt me anymore.
How could my very own family treat me this way? How many times in the past did I help them? Plenty, plenty and this is how I am repaid and I never asked for repayment. I thought the meaning of family was to support and love each other. And these people, who I will no longer call my family, really do think they are doing this out of love and concern. It is frightening to comprehend how self serving and self righteous they are.
Al thinks this all stems from my sister Diane and her view of me. How often did she think I was going to be a bag lady? Now I can see she is doing everything in her power to ensure she is right.
Not that anyone of them would ever admit this. After all her and Brian are the geese with the golden eggs. And where did these golden eggs come from. From another completely corrupt institution, the stock market. They have made millions and millions of dollars working for this industry. Even Brian once admitted to me that he had no idea why. I know now.
He was bought. And so have the rest of my family been.
I have to let them go and I am feeling revenge in my heart. I pray to God that the pain inflicted on me they will not feel. I have a clear conscious so I can handle the hurt.
Al just left with Tee for his morning Pee. A good time for me to shed some tears. I don’t want them to see me cry. It hurts Al too much when I cry. He can hardly bear to see my pain and has told me so. And this is what makes everything all ok and our faith that everything happens for a reason and God is watching over us every step of the way.
I think today I will once again end my journals with gratitude. Today I am grateful for
The beautiful blue sky outside our window
Taxi cab drivers and our enlightening conversations
The food and the staff at Chebucto Inn.
LATER THAT DAY…
I need to write this now, while the pain is fresh. To be deserted by your mother is very painful.
I need to release these feelings.
Al, Tee and I just got back from Grace’s Internet Café. I am sipping a rum and strawberry guava juice. Boy was Avril from Jean Tweeds right when she said I didn’t have an alcohol problem, I had a trigger problem. And how my family has pulled that trigger many, many times.
My heart feels shattered today. This family drama is just too much to handle. I will survive but the point is to get through today and if it takes me half a bottle of rum to do it, so be it. Al needs the other half.
I am feeling frustrations. I am feeling angry. I am feeling sad. I am feeling disbelief. I can not for one second understand how a mother could desert her daughter. If I had a child I can not even imagine not allowing my child in my home no matter what they did. So this is so difficult for me to comprehend. What did I do? What did I do to deserve this? It’s all about them. The hurt I caused them.
It sickens me to even have to expose this. I don’t want to hurt them. I honestly don’t. But for some reason I feel it is my duty to expose them because I know without a shadow of a doubt, I know, there are many other people in this world who have been deserted by their families. Because the name of THEIR game is divide and conquer. My family does what they have been taught to do and this is why in the end I will be able to forgive them.
They are sheep in wolves’ clothing. Pawns in the game of life.
Then there are the others in this world, considered to be black sheep. We are not sheep, we dance to our own drum. And what this world can not handle right now is any body that does not conform to these ridiculous rules.
December 24, 2008
Can you imagine I didn’t even realize that it is Christmas Eve today? Al doesn’t realize it yet either.
When I awoke in the middle of the night Al was up and I asked him if today was Xmas eve and he thought it was tomorrow. I guess that is a symptom of what we are going through. Al has been a rock throughout this ordeal and so has Tee. I try to be. I will feel much better though when we have a place. We have not yet found accommodations that we can afford and now our cash is very low. I am worried sick. My hands are sweating. I don’t know how many places we have tried and no one is calling us back? I am praying to God today for a Christmas present and that is for a place to stay and having no problems with money.
Al has more faith then me and knows our higher power will come through. “We have not come this far Lesa, for it all to fall apart”.
I have to keep on telling myself that worry is wasteful. I have to remind myself how everything works out in the end even if we do have some chills and spills along the way. My message from Tut the other day said I wouldn’t have it any other way. I like my weekday messages from Tut. They keep me sane. I miss not having easy access to the internet and our regular routine of checking all the truthful news and my email messages 1st thing in the a.m. I miss not having our own home. This one is important to Al and me. Particularity because we both have been in similar situations where we moved from place to place and not having our own place and more importantly our independence.
Losing my independence and staying with family never worked out. It always came back with some kind of contract and as is obvious I am still paying these contracts. I know there is a good reason why I am not welcomed at any home of my families. God would not let me be that stupid again. How much hurt do I need before I will learn my lesson?
I am still hurting over all those hurtful emails. I have to let it go. I do not want to ruin Al and Tee’s and my second Christmas together.
We survived last Christmas just fine. It was a wonderful Christmas and filled with wonder. Even though we were flat broke and didn’t have enough money for so much as a bottle of wine. We did have coupons for groceries that Al’s probation officer had given him plus our tenant downstairs had given us plenty of fish.
Al really wanted a Christmas tree. We both love Christmas. But since we couldn’t afford one we decorated our palm tree. It was also a joy to unpack the final boxes of all my nick knacks and decorative pieces. Each box was like unwrapping a present with all kinds of goodies. Each item we pulled out we found a perfect spot for like it was just meant for it. It was surreal how everything came together. We knew our higher power was guiding us. Everything was perfect to a T including having Tee. And what a delight we got when we put up the Christmas village to find out that the miniature dog looked just like Tee including the V marking above his tail.
And if anyone does not believe each and every one of us has a higher power – get a load of this one. And this can all be verified because this book is 100% about the truth. The phone just rang and it looks like our higher power has found us the perfect place. And I saw pictures of the place and it gorgeous to boot. I am going to call Shane at noon today to arrange to meet him and his son. And as long as we like each other it looks like a go.
I am so excited. I am so happy. I am so relieved.
And now I know with certainty what the main purpose of this book is about. This book is about proof. Proof that we all have a higher power and all we have to do is believe in our higher selves, and not some INSTITUTION, GOVERNMENT, ENTITY, outside of ourselves. And when we believe everything will work out just fine. If you don’t believe just keep on reading because I have a very strong suspicion I will encounter more wonder then I could possibly imagine. That is what the shiny stone said that I pulled out of the box the last day of my stay at Jean Tweeds.
And my world has been filled with this ever since. And it truly is a wonderful world and perhaps we may just help save it after all. All the believers that is.