Today I am sitting in front of the window that overlooks a beautiful view of the city. I am waiting to have my blood work done again… those doctors have to charge for something. I did like the doctor I saw but it is the system that is screwy. Once gain, I am being a nice girl and following stupid rules.
No coffee or anything to eat. Starting the morning without a coffee is difficult for me. But I did smoke five cigarettes in a row. I have also arranged to have my apartment painted and have entertainment for my house warming party in my new neighbourhood that is called Rosedale!
When I was outside this morning I had a conversation with the guy, if you recall, the one sleeping peacefully on the bench the other day. I met him yesterday because I exchanged cigarettes for a goodie bag that will filled with fruit and other treats.
He is a wiry little devilish for sure. Also a musician who I am without a doubt will make it one day. His name is Bob. Another Bob, sponge Bob, Bob’s your uncle. The most unassuming name in the book.
Well I know there could be more to write about Bob but there are still so many stories to catch up on from the day before and the day before and the day before. I guess that I am only meant to write some of them because there are only so many hours in the day.
Perhaps I should hire one of my nieces or nephew to type this up. Perhaps they should be the first ones to read all these glorious things that are happening to their aunt? Now who wanted to be the secretary in my last business venture? I think it was Andrew.
So where to start once gain.
Now I have my coffee and cigarette and once again sitting at my picnic table where I meet such fascinating individuals. I know I am not meant to rehash their stories. That is their honour and not my own.
I learnt this is in a round about way yesterday. I called a physic!
I was on the internet checking my horo?scope… usually there is no horror involved, but often hope. I used to be such a cynic when it came to things like the occult but now I have been given the light and am a true believer. How our lives can be foretold in so many ways!
I feel peaceful now that I have my cigarette and coffee. What is bad is good, what is good is bad!!!
Here are the notes I wrote while talking to my physic reader, Christie. It took me a while to end up reaching her but I know God had to send me the right one.
- do not put the cart before the horse until I am balanced
- I have guides
- there are three things I need to do
- build foundation
- intimacy before bedroom – not other way around
- billions ??? (Not sure what this meant?)
- let go of the thought that I need
- I am intuitive
- I will meet someone within the next 3 months
- Fine tune my skills
- My physic abilities are real
- My dream guy will be around my age
- I need to specialize in one area of my business plan (I know it is this book. This is where is started)
- Follow my intuition
- Fashion – change – soul (?)
- I have quiet energy
- See what my energies are
- It is very important for me to be outside in nature
- I would make a good energy healer
- This is the year of my soul
- Study Reeki – it is as easy as 1-2-3
- My energies are scattered
- People are diagnosed with bi-polar because the have physic abilities
- Books to read – “Who to say” Bob Thorpe, “Eleventh Insight” and “The Secret of Shambhala” – Redfield, “Help Yourself” Helen Hitchcock
- Ask my angels for balance
- Stop blabbering. People will think you are nuts.
- Ask my angels if I am allowed
- I had imbalance as a kid
- Told her about Don Miguel Angel
- Last year 11/11 .. this year is 12/11 – frequencies are higher
- Immediate cause and effect.
- There is no going backwards
- Stop reading cards until I find my own balance.
- Focus on me. I’m not yet in balance
- I will be healed when my mind can be empty
- Lhaso Apso are good animals and have strong energy
- Diane, Janet, Carol… mirror, mirror on the wall. They are feeding off things they have experienced
- Buy rose quartz for love
- Up self-esteem and self-acceptance
- Move forward
- It will be much better now
- Find time to be away
- My guardian angel to pray to is Arch Angel Michael
- Recommends taking salt baths with baking soda
- There are still many holes to fill
- No more negativity
- No more martyrdom
- Gain self esteem
- Enjoy myself
- Study numerology
- My life path is three – trinity
- I’m very analytical
- It was a gift to talk to me
- She also has Lhaso Apso and is a Sagittarius
- Christi – ext. 4229
Wednesday, June 26th, 2007
“The fifth level of awareness is the Avatar!
Imagine that you lived in a world where you had been raised to believe black was white and white was black (what is good is bad, what is bad is good!)
When you though you were seeing black you actually were seeing white and vice versa.”
How often I though about this as a child!
I’m feeling very calm right now. My new friend, Bob is sleeping peacefully on our picnic table. He had food poisoning yesterday from some meat he had eaten at the Scott Mission.
Once again, another day filled with wonders!
My horoscope for today read:
“A constructive influence from the reality planet Saturn suggest that you will find a way to make a practical move and fix what now seems wrong. It will allow you to confidently look ahead to a much more reliable and predictable future.”
I wonder what this all means? I have always been so curious but really curiosity never killed the cat. They have nine lives after all.
Today I will write slower and ponder more. I know some of my energies are scattered. But how it feels so good to have so much energy. To scatter a few is all right by me. And I am the one who has to live with myself.
Once I am moved in and settled will be the time for me to become serene and just happy about life. I have no doubt that this will be how I will live my life for the most part. But a good shaking once or twice does have its benefits.
Yesterday I painted a picture of a Monarch butterfly (another talisman for me) with a sun on top. I put some bling on it and I wasn’t pleased with the result until I turned it upside down and the butterfly was flying into the sun.
I will have to buy a new printer (professional – can’t wait to get it.) Also a new scanner and a really good camera. I have been buying myself some treats lately and does it feel good. I had been afraid to treat myself for so long. But now that I know there is nothing to fear but fear itself and I am going for the gusto.
I’m definitely a people person and people can sense that in me. They seem to just come up to me and blurt out the most amazing truths! It is so much fun and also at the same time I am also honoured when the story is not so fun but filled with the most horrible truths imaginable.
One such incident happened yesterday. I swore a solemn oath that this secret would never be revealed. But it is important for me to write it out … so there it goes.
I met Michael (the shy gentleman) many times yesterday. This young guy has so much exuberance and confidence now! And to think that only two days ago he could barely speak to women because he was so shy. He’s got lots of hope and plans and tells me that God keeps giving him bigger and better ones.
There is another female client here who is also very timid and shy. She has the most amazing blue eyes and a depth and intelligence about her that she does not realize. I hope she comes to realize it in herself very soon. Yet one more young woman who has been so let down by our system. Even the patient advocate bailed on her yesterday after a very lengthy wait to see her. Don’t those advocates understand what their jobs are about? The stupidity and insensitivity of some people just amazes me.
I went to the library yesterday that was open (didn’t see my petition posted anywhere) and searched for some of the books that have been recommended to me lately. Of course, they didn’t have one book I was looking for and in such a huge place. Chapters is much better… but of course our tax dollars don’t go into the books. They most likely go into the pockets of those who are choosing what they feel we should read. Thank God for the internet and all it’s information.
Would you believe, I worked with a girl whose brother was a partner with Bill Gates. He quit before he saw how the internet would change the world. I have always been so curious to know why he left and what he did with his life afterwards.
It was such a fun day yesterday. Painting, smoking (my new nickname – Smoking Lesa) going to the library and shopping at the Eaton’s Center.
When I was taking a smoke break at the library a young woman came up to me and asked if she could buy a cigarette off of me. She also asked if I was a patient at CAMH. Really, a strange question to ask I thought, unless I was sitting in front of the place in my pyjamas like I am right now.
She told me she was feeling so much anxiety about the world and also that she has had so much trauma in her life. So I counseled her (I think this is ok for me to do now? I have learnt a lot, and God is directing me.)
I told her the first thing to do that may help her would be to forgive those who caused her trauma. I told her how I had also suffered trauma but since I have seen the light, I know there is no one to blame. It is because that is what we were taught. The sins of the father ….
I also recommended some books to her that I have stumbled upon. One of these books is entitled “God’s Debris” by the guy that writes the Dilbert comic strip. I think his last name is Scott.
It was very enlightening to me.
After dinner my new friend, Chris and I went shopping at the Eaton’s Center. I do not like that place. It drains my energy. Also I was very angry that there was only one store that sold plus size women’s clothes. And I will tell you these guys are idiots, because there are a lot more PLUS women out there then anorexics. Thank God.
We came back and I told her my secret because it is her secret also after all. What are the odds of her pulling out the exact same cards in the exact same order?
We are Avatars!
Bi-polar person of the day – Chris
What I am grateful for today – Being an Avatar
RULES WE FIND STUPID AND DEMEANING (voiced by “clients” staying at CAMH )
- Why are we not allowed saran wrap?
- Why must the kettle be locked up in the evenings?
- Why are there no locks on bathroom doors?
- Why are we not to smoke between 11:00 and 12:00 p.m.
- Why must we sign a waiver after midnight if we do want to go out for a cigarette?
- Why can we not watch TV after midnight?
- Why are the crafts locked up?
- Why does a counsellor have to take out the crafts we want?
- Why are some clients not allowed to have a piece of cake?
- Why can we not have certain toiletries in our room?
- Why are computer, crafts, and television rooms locked up at 1o p.m.?
- Why are we made to feel that we must take medications and ECT?
- Why is medication placed in small plastic containers and given with another small plastic cup of water and thrown out each time?
- Why do we eat and drink from Styrofoam cups and plates?
- Why are telephones placed in the most public places where there is absolutely no privacy?
- Why are we not allowed cameras?
- Why are “clients” continually getting shifted from room to room with no input from the “client”?
- Why are we not allowed to volunteer until one year after release?
- Why are rules so inconsistent between nurses?
- Why can we not have a regular coffee maker and are only allowed instant coffee that we must supply ourselves?
- Why are we not allowed to know who makes up the rules?
- Why are some clients allowed to be outside for only 10 minutes and must be escorted?
- Why can’t we even step one foot in the nurses station?
- Why are we not allowed to wear perfume?
- Why can’t pets visit us even though they are known to very therapeutic?
- Why is there a sign in the bathroom telling us how to wash our hands?
- Why is the nurse to client ratio so high?
- Why do we keep on getting blood tests?
- Why are we not made aware that our medical files are open to us?
- Why are the pills handed out put in little silver packets?
- Why do showers not have locks?
- Why are dangerous clients not separated from calm patients during the admittance period?
- Why do nurses have to check up on us every hour while we are sleeping?
- Why are medications pushed on us?
- Why are there so many clients here that have been re-admitted despite all these medications?
- Why does CAMH use clients for drug experiments?
- Why are most clients poor?
- Why are seconds not allowed at meal time?
- Why do our bedroom doors have to be open even though there are windows on them?
- Why are people kept here even though they are perfectly fine while there are those outside who are suffering?
- Why are nearly all of our privacies invaded?
- Why must the center know every move some “clients” make after they leave and if they do not follow this rule are thrown back in here?
- Why would a psychiatrist tell a client they are manic even if they do not fit one criterion on their list?
- Why are some clients allowed to keep their belts and others not?
- Why does your psychiatrist make the decision about when you are to leave and why are most clients unaware that they have an option to leave?
DESPITE CARING, WONDERFUL STAFF,
WHY DOES THIS PLACE BREAK YOUR SOUL?