PROLOGUE - THE GUARDIAN

“That all men are by nature equally free and independent, and have certain inherent rights, of which, when they enter into a state of society, they cannot, by any compact, deprive or divest their posterity; namely, the enjoyment of life and liberty, with the means of acquiring and possessing property, and pursuing and obtaining happiness and safety.”   

Thomas Jefferson

To Whom It May Concern,

My basic human rights have been taken away from me without merit, trial or jury.  Prior to the events mentioned herein I thought I lived in a free and democratic country.  I have unfortunately found out that all our freedoms can be taken away with just a stroke of a pen.

I am currently seeking legal counsel to regain my freedom, financial independence, restitution of reputation, personal and financial, along with compensation for financial losses and the pain and suffering many of us have endured. 

Following are details of my particular complaints:

TO LIST A FEW

·        Intimidation and unwarranted control by (Center for Addiction and Mental Health, Toronto, Ontario (CAMH),  Toronto police and the Ontario Public Guardian 

·        Discrimination due to being labeled incorrectly with a mental disability

·        Loss of income and potential

·        Invasion of privacy

·        Loss of reputation

·        Loss of all personal property and material possessions

·        Loss of my financial freedom and independence

·        Anxiety and depression

·        Loss of enjoyment of life

·        Alienation of family and friends

·        Harassment and illegal procedures from the BANK OF MONTREAL

·        Confinement against my will

·        Loss of self-esteem and self-confidence

• During the spring of 2007, after professional consultations, it was confirmed that I was misdiagnosed as having bi-polar disorder.

• June 21, 2007 I voluntarily admitted myself to CAMH (Center for Additions &  Mental Health), Toronto, Ontario, in order to be medically supervised while weaning off of drugs that were adversely affecting my physical and mental health.

• The admitting psychiatrist and my attending psychiatrist at CAMH were in agreement with the misdiagnosis.

• During my stay, my attending psychiatrist left for vacation for one month and my file was given to Dr. Joel Jeffries.

• June 29^th I attempted to leave the facility.

• During my attempted departure I was shocked to find that the doors were literally locked on me and I was put on a Form 1 by Dr. Joel Jeffries, whom I had met briefly on two prior occasions. (see below)

FORM 1 

• I was informed that legally they were allowed to hold me for 36 hours and if I were to leave the premises I would be arrested.

• I attempted to contact PPAO (Patient Advocate Services) but my calls went unanswered.  I was at this point extremely distraught and frightened.

• On July 3, 2007 I again met with Dr. Joel Jeffries.  In order for me to be released, I was told by him that I must sign a form entitled “Certificate of Incapacity to Manage One’s Property”. 

• My credit rating at the time was excellent. I had previously owned two real estate properties that were very profitable.  I had been employed steadily most of my life and had earned an excellent reputation and income.  I was 48 years old and had taken excellent care of myself financially since I was 17.  I also still had substantial savings in investments.  None of this was ever discussed or verified.

• At this point I was under extreme duress and anxious to regain my freedom.  I was given no alternative and signed the form.  At no time was I explained as to the reason or repercussions of signing this form nor was I ever given any information of what my rights were. I have subsequently found out that according to the Mental Health Laws my rights were extremely violated. 

• August 1, 2007 I rented an apartment from Dominec Manicapelli.

• I subsequently purchased this profit generating income property which included three other rental units.

• June, 2008 I was informed by Dominec Mancapelli that the Bank of Montreal was beginning foreclosure proceedings on my property. The mortgage at the time was in arrears less than one month. I had been awaiting funds.  Mr. Mancapelli also told me that the bank was investigating me for fraud!

• Not long after I received a letter from Rubenstein, Siegel, BMO’s lawyers confirming part of the conversation I had with Mr. Mancapelli, that foreclosure proceedings were being initiated. 

• I had several meetings with my Bank of Montreal’s Branch Manager, Aicha Saludars, during the month of July. 

• After much harassment, I signed a listing agreement with Ms. Saludars’ recommended real estate agent, Oscar Vidal-Calvet, Century 21 Brown Limited, Bloor W.

• During this month all outstanding monies were paid in full.

• Aicha Saludars verbally gave me  authorization to skip my August mortgage payment as she was given proof that I was awaiting funds and that there could be a slight delay.

• Not long after Ruberstein, Seigel, BMO’s lawyers withdrew fees associated with foreclosure procedures from my account without my consent.

• My bank account is frozen for the third time in the past month. 

• I attempt to find legal counsel.  Coincidently, I am contacted by a lawyer Marvin Barkin, Q.C. who informs me that he has heard of my dilemma. 

• Mr. Barkin informed me that my situation is “bizarre” and that BMO is acting illegally.   He recommends I cancel listing with Oscar Vidal-Calvet because of undue pressure to sign the listing agreement, find a new agent and also recommends that we not take legal action against the Bank of Montreal as it would be very costly.

• I canceled the listing on July 15, 2008

• I signed a new listing agreement with Robert Barkin, Marvin Barkin’s son, July 22, 2008

• September 19th, another letter is sent out by Rubenstein, Siegel stating I am in default of my mortgage for August despite the fact that I was verbally given a “mortgage holiday” by Aicha Saulders for this month.  

• They inform me that if they do not receive immediate payment for arrears, legal costs, full payment of line of credit and BMO Master Card outstanding balance, they will commence foreclosure procedures on my property within ten days of date of letter.

• Coincidentally, I receive a letter from the Ministry of the Attorney General dated September 19, 2008 informing me that I am a ward of the state and they are my trustees and are responsible for the management of my financial affairs.

(Note: I subsequently found out through Mr. Mancapelli that BMO was aware in July that the Ministry of the Attorney General, Office of the Public Guardian and Trustee had taken over my financial affairs.  I was only made aware that the Public Guardian was involved late September 2008, three months after the bank knew!)   

• Early October I received a visit from Zoltan Fekete, Investigator for the Public Guardian. He intimates my common-law spouse and me by flashing a badge and orders my spouse out of the room and questions me regarding my rental income property.  He also requests documentation which I refused to give.  He takes pictures of every room of our home and advises me to contact Karen Mcduffee, Senior Client Representative, Office of the Public Guardian and Trustee.

• I met with Karen Macduffee mid-October.  She advised me that due to the length of time since I had signed the form the only recourse I had was to obtain a “Capacity Assessment”.   I was responsible for locating the psychiatrist and I was responsible for any costs incurred and that their court would decide my case.

• I informed Ms. MacDuffie that I would seek legal counsel with the intention of suing for the damages I had already incurred.

• I also advised her that any further correspondence with me must be in writing or through electronic mail.  This request has been ignored. On several occasions (prior to and since) Ms. Macduffee has withheld or changed information given to me verbally.  

• Later that month I received a call from my real estate agent, Robert Barkin, who advised me that Mr. Fekete informed Mr. Barkin that he was no longer our listing agent and if an offer were to come in it would not be considered. The Public Guardian was now responsible for the sale of my property.

• Shortly after, while I was out, Sergeant Mcginnis of 22^nd division, Toronto along with two other police officers and a nurse knock on our door.  Despite my spouse's insistence that I am not at home, they search the apartment from top to bottom for me with flashlights.  Sergeant Mcginnis has a taser with him.

• I later find out from my tenants’ that police officers had previously been to our residence in search of me.

• I also have been advised that Ms. Macduffie has been forthcoming with misinformation and innuendos regarding my private financial affairs to family members and tenants.

• My parents have asked her for information and are told she can not divulge this due to privacy laws and that they have no rights regarding my situation.

• Late November I find three letters addressed to “Occupant” signed by Karen Mcduffee, which were inadvertently placed in our personal mailbox, demanding that the “Occupant” of each unit is ordered by law to remit rental cheques to the Public Guardian.  No notice was given to me.

• I subsequently find out the Public Guardian has the legal authority to send police to the door and hold me in a mental health facility, force medication on me, and divert my funds as they see fit.  This caused us great anxiety. We felt it was no longer safe to remain in Ontario and left the province. 

• We are now residing in Nova Scotia living on social assistance.

• I have subsequently learned through family members and Robert Barkin that The Bank of Montreal has foreclosed on my income property and that all our personal belongings and documents have been confiscated from our home.  

• Since I have been in Nova Scotia the only contact I have had with the Public Guardian is a list of thousands of dollars charged to me for their services and a list of some of the rents and other monies, including a substantial income tax refund they have collected on my behalf.

• My rental property has been grossly mismanaged and the fees to do so are being deducted from the monies collected. 

• I have had no correspondence whatsoever from them regarding the result of the foreclosure of my income property nor what has happened to my possessions.

PERTINENT DETAILS FOLLOW.

CONTINUED

TABOO TALES

INTRO: AARON RUSSO         U2:  BAD

CONTINE TO CHAPTER 1 - REAWAKENING

CHAPTER 1 - REAWAKENING

April 29, 07

A new journal.  How long has it been since I have written? If I remember correctly the last words I wrote were “I am in despair” while on sabbatical in Barbados.   After nearly two years of wallowing in depression I want to get my life back.

I have finally told everyone close to me that I’m seeking help.  What a relief.  And I am getting lots of it in more ways than one.  Last week I started dealing with my problems.  No more mind games.  Jean Tweeds here I come.  My first group session was last week and now I’m waiting to get into the residential program and am actually looking forward to it.  I use alcohol to numb my feelings, just a little here and there until recently, as a way of self medicating.

Such a long time since I wrote and so many things have happened to me.  I don’t know where to start.  This is also how I feel about my life.  Baby steps. There are so many things I would like to accomplish.  My thoughts feel very scattered.   Allowing my thoughts to pour out on paper does feel good and I know how it’s helped me in the past.

These are my thoughts though.  So if anyone is reading this please respect my privacy and put it down, even if I do tell you to read it.  I did that with my past journals, when I went through a manic phase, trying to prove so much to my family.  After getting out of the hospital I had enough to be embarrassed about without adding my very own personal thoughts to the list and stories about my sex life.  Oh well, nonexistent now so something I don’t have to worry about.

I don’t want to curtail my thoughts though because of what others may think.

Week 1 – no alcohol!  I guess I deserve a pin.  It really wasn’t very difficult.  Yesterday I had a few twinges.  A beautiful sunny day, one of those where it feels so good to sit outside with a magazine or a good book and a glass of wine.  Instead I brought a book and pitchers of water.  Hopefully this is what is making my legs and feet blow up like balloons?  I’ll have to get this checked out soon.

I woke up at 5 a.m. eager to start my day.    This has been unusual for me these last few years.  Perhaps I’m getting excited about life again and starting to see some possibilities?

I entered a scrapbook contest this week.  My layout is titled “I have bi-polar disorder”  “Sometimes I see the world in different hues”.  How it has it’s “up and downs”.  I’m not particularly proud of it artistically, however my heart swelled with pride when I read one of the judge’s comment that mentioned that applicant’s insecurities about whether their layouts were “good enough” was put into perspective by a “couple of powerful layouts” that dealt with individuals who were facing much greater challenges in life.

I dream of having my layout published.  This would not only build my ego, which is sorely in need of a boost, but will be good for credentials as well.

I have a few years of catching up to do but I guess I will have to put those stories aside for now.  There definitely have been some unexplainable things that have happened to me that I would like to write about.  But then I would never catch up and I have get on with my life.  I can add these stories as I go … on a slow day.

Back to things to be grateful for:

May 1, 2007

I’m pleased with my new computer.  Can’t wait to get back on it today and accomplish some more “work”.  I ‘ve been creating digital art and am now addicted to this new art form   It’s like having any art medium right at your fingertips and if you are not pleased with a result just undo!  Why is it that if I produce something I enjoy then I don’t add this into my day as being productive? 

Debbie sent me some pictures of her garden.  She mentioned in one of her emails that she was going to inquire with one of her artist friends about having a water colour done of one of her photos of crocuses.    I’m jumping on the bandwagon and sending her my digital art versions.  This is part of my plan, to produce individual pieces of art for people, using their photographs.  I’m definitely going to get that professional printer.  I think I may have something going here.  This is what is making me feel hopeful today and I will not listen to any nay sayers.

I’ve decided to stay away from alcohol and no longer have to plan how I am going to sneak a drink.  What a relief.  No more   ... to drink or not to drink... because drinking is now not an option for me.  I didn’t get caught and I am glad I confessed.  It makes me feel strong to admit that I have a problem.

 I have to figure out how to get rid of all the empty booze bottles that are hidden in my bedroom closet though. 

Yesterday was another good day, despite being tired.  I only had five hours of sleep.  Also, despite worrying about why my feet and legs are so swollen.  They look like stumps.  My allergies have been annoying me as they usually do this time of year and my breathing has been so affected that at times I feel light headed.  This makes me feel like I’m craving something (probably a good breath of fresh air).  It seems to get progressively worse every year.  I’m sure it has to do with toxins in the air. Nothing to do with smoking of course.  Another bad habit I have to quit. 

Went for a walk with David in the a.m. to take pictures and one with Tom in the evening to blow off some calories after our very fattening dinners.  We tried out a new restaurant on Queen Street called the Purple Eggplant, which was excellent even with only a glass of Club Soda.  I will save lots of money not drinking as well.

Tonight I’m off to a group therapy session at Jean Tweeds.  Anna is joining me as a support person. 

I’m glad to get back to journaling.  For some reason it sets me free.

What to feel grateful for today:

MY NEW COMPUTER AND ALL ITS POSSIBILITIES

May 2, 07

Yesterday was a mixed day.  I started off in the morning feeling chipper.  I’m excited about my “work”.   I enjoy the feeling that there are many things I would like to accomplish.  My brain goes from one idea to the next.  I should learn to relax more and focus on one thing.  Go slow and you will get more done was the message from TUT this a.m.  I look forward to those inspiring emails everyday. 

I saw the layouts that have been submitted for the Queen of the Crop Contest.  After viewing them, I’m quite certain Maya was referring to my entry as being powerful!  There were only a couple of other ones dealing with weighty issues.  The work on most of the entries was very different from mine.  Very busy and filled with all kinds of techniques that are impressive.  They look professional.   Mine stood out for its simplicity.  I am going to keep it this way.  It’s hard not to follow the trendy path.  Mine certainly does meet the subject criteria on describing two or more moods you have.  I think this should be part of the voting criteria as well.

I felt hurt yesterday after receiving an email from my sister-in-law Louise regarding my drinking.  She said I was one the brightest, nicest, person she knows … but she also said she hoped I would quit “this time”.  Like I have tried so many times and failed?  Really, I only once promised my family I would not drink and that was because I was on medication.   I agreed to do this for them not me. 

A similar comment was also made by Mom.  She told me that Janet said “don’t get your hopes up because you will probably get disappointed”.   This makes my heart feel very heavy.  I wish my family knew that what I need most from them is their faith in me.  How many times have I tried to explain this to them?  Positive thoughts, I know create positive energy.   I was going to send out an email telling them how I was hurt by these comments, but decided against it.  

My sister Carol sent me an email saying that I am stronger than I think.  And you know what, I AM!  Not drinking is not difficult once I have my mind set to it.  I did it in Barbados and for three months after my trip to the mood disorder ward, when I was depressed, anxious, and little in my life looked positive.  A drink may have given me some relief during this period but I was strong enough to steer clear.

I planned to go to my 2^nd group therapy meeting yesterday and my girlfriend Anna came along.  When we arrived I found out that the session started at 6:00 not 6:30 so we missed it.  Went out for dinner and I let Anna talk my ear off.  She is a very good soul but she makes me feel drained.

The boys have been wonderful ever since I got back.  I do love them dearly.  I feel bad for getting upset with Dave.  He can be a perfectionist, which I am not.  From now on in I am going to try harder to please him because really all he wants are little simple things.

Sometimes what we pretend we are angry at is a symptom of something else.

I may know why my legs are so swollen.  Checked this out on the internet (was worried about what I would find out … cirrhosis of the liver … kidney failure …) and it could just be that I have gained so much weight.  One more wonderful thing about having to take all this medication.  At the beginning I also lost a lot of hair, but it has grown back, a little wavy now?   My cocktail right now is Epival, Seroquel and Effexor, all of which makes you gain weight.  

Yesterday I decided to just go out and get em.  No more fear about getting criticism.  Have faith in my abilities.   I mentioned to Anna that I am very interested in doing the wedding album she referred Dave for.  I am a little upset that I was not also referred.  It was a joint effort.  I contributed as much if not more than he did.  In fact it was my idea and I spent weeks and weeks on it.  Anyone who has seen the album loves it.  Margaret said it would blow them away after we came back from the wedding show when we went to compare what other photographers were offering.  This was meant to be for my showcase not Dave’s. I know without a doubt that I would do a beautiful job; I have never let anyone down on this in the past.  Why did David not mention me?  But, if I want to get into business for myself I will have to be ready to hear the truth.

So many things I would like to accomplish today, but, as my message from TUT this a.m. said … take it slow … you will get more accomplished this way.

What I am grateful for today:  MY BOYS

Later today

COINCIDENCES IN 1 HOUR!!!

Why are they falling again?  They use to fall like rain. Was searching on the net for information on V for victory for my scrapbook page and stumbled on the following information:

The pyramid symbol?  The sign I was shown in Mexico … While there I had asked what it meant but was not given an answer??  (Mayans – Ruins??)

I also stumbled on a web site by Brian Delflores that mentioned:

There are 144,000 people on earth who are chosen to be Avatars or Counsels, something like that.    When I was in CAMH’s Lock-up Mental Ward, I remember reading this in a Jehovah Witness bible.  It did sound wonderful to me at the time.  The year 2012 kingdom comes; there will be paradise on earth. 

Do I have stories to tell about my days at CAMH.

Virgin Mary – For some reason women with bipolar disorder sometimes feel they are a reincarnation of Mary … I was just talking to Lorraine about this yesterday.

Chakras – lower back – mine has been feeling very heavy lately?

Bodies are mostly water (Age of Aquarius). In new era we will be air.

My water retention?

St. Theresa of Avila has been thought to have bipolar disorder.  Also a few prophets.

Site says if you were led to it is because you were meant to.  I was just checking the phase “Aspire to Greatness” and stumbled upon it. First listing I think under Google.

My love of bright colours … in the next era colours are suppose to be brilliant.

Beings of light,

11:11 I have been noticing this number for years.  And I know I am not the only one.  Why?  

Angels or spirits.  I use to feel I was guided by these.

Brian DeFlores experienced a dramatic shift of consciousness December 4, 1996 (my birthday).  Wow what does this all mean?

There were more but enough for one day.

May 3/07

A very interesting day yesterday.  Am I making things up out of nothing?  One thing about having bipolar disorder is that sometimes you doubt your own thoughts.  But I will tell you, it certainly was odd how I was led to those websites and how many co-incidences there were and it’s not like I am searching for them!

I’m not the only person in the world who believes that coincidences happen because they are pointing us in some direction.  Even Oprah believes this.  I call them my Godwinks, after a book she recommended.  They also seem to happen at the most appropriate times.  Does this have anything to do with my so called mental disorder?  I would like to investigate this further.

I know I can’t get lost in this because I don’t want to be committed again.  Both Jim Carrey and Robert Downey Jr., have alluded to be guided by synchronicity.  Both these actors, co-incidentally suffer from bipolar disorder?

Maybe we are all where we are because it is part of some master plan?  There are many great thinkers who believe this.   

Well I am just going to sit quietly, and I mean quietly (don’t want everyone in an uproar again) and see where this leads me. 

Another strange thing is that often I feel it in my bones before a co-incidence is about to happen.  I sometimes seem to know when I’m going to stumble on one.  A few examples:  I recently found out that Lorraine’s sister lived in the same townhouse complex as I did when I first moved to Toronto over 20 years ago and it was the exact same layout too.  I have known Lorraine since I was a teenager and this subject never came up until her Mom’s funeral.  What are the chances of that?  Not to mention that Bob also lived there at the same time!  Bob and I may even have been next door neighbours.

This also happened recently while I was at the play I saw with Lorraine, “The Caretaker” by Harold Pinter. The play was about a guy who I now am certain had bi-polar disorder; anyway some type of mental disorder.

I just went on the internet to find out more about this play:

This is what I found out.

“Pinter, who has been treated for cancer in recent years, was supposed to have delivered the traditional Nobel lecture in person, but was forced to cancel his trip to Sweden because of poor health.
His publisher, Stephen Page, will accept the prestigious prize on Pinter's behalf at the award ceremony on Saturday.
In his lecture, which focused more on politics than literature, Pinter launched a ferocious tirade against Bush and Blair, saying they were responsible for tens of thousands of deaths in the Iraq war.”
Dec 8 11:06 AM US/Eastern
By KARL RITTER
Associated Press Writer

A man after my own heart and inspirations!  Just one more Godwink.

Before my hospitalization, coincidences were falling like rain.  I could write a book just on this.  However, at the advice of many, I have tried not to let these things enter my mind.  But it is interesting.  My own little secret.

I had a long conversation with Carol yesterday.  I didn’t realize how much I missed talking to her.  We use to be in contact regularly.  She is one smart cookie and is someone who has faith in me.

I ended up sending a nice, funny email to my family about how it was important they had faith and Carol appreciated my humour.

She thinks I should write a book.  Lorraine has also mentioned this to me.  Carol told me I have a way of telling a story with humour and one that’s easy to read. 

I certainly do have enough stories to tell.

Coincidently, I recently took a Super IQ test (having been in H.R. I like these types of tests and I’m always amazed at how accurate they are.)   I’m including my results so I believe in myself also. 

Linguistic Architect

Your IQ score is 109. This means that you are smarter than 72.0% of all other Super IQ test takers.

This number is the result of a scientifically-tested formula based on how many questions you answered correctly on the Tickle Super IQ Test.

But there's more to intelligence than a single number, a single score, or a single label. Tickle uses 8 distinguishable dimensions of intelligence in the Super IQ Test. By analyzing your individual scores on those 8 scales, we are able to look beyond the raw IQ score into how you process information, and which intellectual strengths you're best at.

Your test results indicate that the way you process information makes you a Linguistic Architect.

You are brilliant with language and words. You are also very skilled at understanding things on an abstract or conceptual level. When you combine those two skills you are bound to communicate or create something new and complex.

This set of strengths (referred to as 'abstract reasoning,' meaning you have a flair for the intangible, intellectual, theoretical approach to life) allows you to understand math and science on a 'gut' level, even if the actual numerical math and science equations don't come easy. This gut-level understanding is typically enough to get you through without needing all of the details. You would probably do well as a writer of some kind or an author whose job it is to get difficult concepts across skilfully.

Now that you know about how you process information, let's drill down to see what your specific intellectual strengths are. None of the intellectual abilities is more important than any of the others. And it's your unique scores on each of these scales that make you an interesting addition to any group, office, or family.

These intellectual strengths color your world and the way you perceive it, and also allow you to contribute your original perspective when solving problems and coming up with ideas. No one intellectual dimension can define you. It's the original combination of your intellectual strengths that makes you special.

Continues……

Your top scores are in the areas of Verbal, Spatial, and Organizational. This is a very unusual combination — only 6 in 1,000 people have it.

Your verbal ability score is 99 out of 100. Verbal ability means having an expansive range of vocabulary, being able to use it, and feeling a desire to add to it. It is also what allows you to comprehend the relationships and subtle difference between words.

You scored 93 out of 100. You use spatial ability to judge the relationship between objects and physical space, like a parked car and the width of the road. It is also what helps you visualize a room when you are decorating or rearranging furniture.

Your organizational ability score is 88 out of 100. Organizational ability is what allows you to organize and arrange information effectively, be precise, and proofread carefully.

Of course I scored 50 out of a 100 in math.  But I absolutely hate to study anything with too many rules and only one answer.  I find it interesting that my spatial ability is so strong.  Guess this is where my love of decorating comes in.

I’m thinking about trying my hand at this.  Let’s say I write a chapter a week.  I’d have a book written in no time.

Just wondering what to leave in and what to leave out?  Hey, maybe I could be on the Oprah show (just got a good idea for a layout with some humour in it).  The next James Frey, but I wouldn’t have to embellish my story.  Maybe this is not such a crazy idea after all?  I have been toying with the idea of taking a creative writing course, just for the fun of it. 

I sent a sample submission of my Wish contest layout to Lorraine and my Mom asking them for criticism.  Of course my Mom loved it (if you want an honest opinion do not ask your mother).  Lorraine liked it, but it didn’t blow her away … ouch... I am not that good with criticism.

I want to blow people away so I will do another layout.  My secret wish, how about … “To be on the Oprah Show”.   I’m getting so many ideas!  One thing I never lack are ideas unless I am totally depressed. 

Called my psychiatrist (P.D.) yesterday and am waiting for a call this a.m. to find out what to do about my water retention.  It is unbelievable.  I hope to hear from her office this a.m.

I’ve been working on my computer day and night.  Staying up too late also.  Oh, oh another manic sign, I have been told.

I didn’t hear from Anna regarding the wedding album.  I get the impression that there has been discussion about me doing it?  I can’t let this bother me.  I guess I have given others reason for concern.  Who knows where I will be locked up next?  Also now being an admitted drunk doesn’t help.

I just got a call from Ginger, my American ex Sis in law.  I do love that woman.  Whenever we talk we seem to be either doing a lot of laughing or soul searching.  Now I am running late.  Have to get to my group therapy session.

Today I am grateful for:  LONG CONVERSATIONS WITH SOUL SISTERS

p.s. just coincidentally stumbled upon a picture of Oprah with James Frey!

CONTINUE TO CHAPTER 2 

May 4, 2007 OPRAH LAYOUT

May 4, 2007

I am feeling so up this morning it’s hard for me to contain myself (another manic sign).  Kind of sad that I have to worry about being happy.  Once again I stayed up late (1:00 a.m.) just filled with ideas and having a quest for knowledge. 

Visited Rosie’s blog and there is some scary stuff out there.  I have been looking up the information regarding the World Trade Center collapse and it certainly does look suspicious.  Could there possibly have been government conspiracy?  What a scary thought.  How I dislike Bush.  I think the man is evil and wouldn’t put anything past him.

Just before I was diagnosed with being bi-polar I was obsessed about getting this point across.  My other big beef was the media.  I honestly think it’s run by a lot of very powerful men that only have their own altruistic ego’s in mind, not to mention their pocketbooks, and this can be very dangerous. 

I have been up for an hour and am now on my 4^th cigarette. 

Good day yesterday.  It has been recommended that I keep track of my moods.

I relish the feeling of having lots on the go.  I know some people would think that much of what I do is trivial but “if it makes you happy”.  I have been so unhappy the last few years of my life.  There is a bright side to this.  I am really starting to appreciate the good days.  Just like I hate the dreary winters but love the spring.

I did my Oprah layout.  Personally, I got a kick out of it and am going to submit it even if I get negative comments from my critics.  I think it’s important for me to have faith in myself.  How can other people have faith in me if I don’t believe in myself?

Took a lot of photo editing to get a stand alone picture of myself and Oprah.  I meshed the two pictures together and it really does look like she is introducing me to an audience.  See how easy it is to fool the eye.  My secret wishes … Nobel Peace Prize Winner, author, artist and Queen of the Crop.  Of course I used an old picture of me before I gained 40 lbs.  But this is my secret to keep.

Went for group therapy yesterday, or as Debbie commented, to group therapy... is one wrong?  Met up with a few of the women I was introduced to last week.  I should try and remember their names.  One of them gave me a big hug. They all seem to be warn and beaten down by life, one way or another.  So many stories to tell in that room.  The topic this week was on spirituality, a topic I am eager to discuss with people who do not know me (I got in a lot of trouble discussing this with my family before being diagnosed with bipolar disorder).  Everyone in the room had their own take on what it meant but also we had many similarities.   There was not one person who believed any specific faith made any sense and there were many negative comments on the Catholic religion.  The comment was made that Catholics are made to feel guilty about so much we should not feel guilty about.  Like God keeps a tally list on everyone to see if you are worthy or not of getting into heaven and of course you must also be a good Catholic to do so. 

My comment was that I don’t think there is any one person in this whole wide world that has a direct line to God.  No one really knows what God is but there definitely is one because there have been too many incidences in my life for me to believe otherwise.

I revisited Brian DeFlores website.  Reading further I realize this guy either is absolutely nuts or is taking advantage of us poor unsuspecting souls.  A question asked was “Why do we never see you”.  His explanation was something to the effect that he is too busy teleporting himself to different dimensions.  Now really!  I hate to be a cynic but … Also he certainly has a lot of stuff to sell.  If he was so busy in other dimensions how could he possibly be taking care of business?

144,000 chosen people who are earth right now?  I think we are all chosen people and we are all connected somehow.  Somewhere in my brain or soul I think I know this.

Another question was “if we were one thing in nature what we would be”.  I said that I would be an ocean because it is calming, mysterious, and colourful and it affects so many things.  I also feel somehow we are tied to the ocean and the moon, the sun and the stars.  These things control our moods.  The ocean is also very deep and colourful.  Now that I think about it though, it does sound like a huge undertaking to me.  Perhaps I should have chosen a dog.  There is nothing wrong with a dog’s life, especially these days.  They are pampered more than people.  I am living right next door to a doggie spa.  They give and get unconditional love.

I took the subway home with a woman whom I got the feeling really needed to talk.  She is attending Jean Tweeds because of a gambling addiction.  She looks very familiar to me and I can’t figure out why?  She was brought up in Montreal and is a little older than my 48 years.  Also, guess where her brother lives!   Laval West my small home town... no small coincidence or is it?  She is/was an artist and hasn’t picked up a paint brush since her daughter died.  She was married to a light weight champion, who beat her, including knocking her teeth out.  I gather she was with him until he died some horrible death from bone cancer.  Not long after this she lost her only daughter who was 29.  She died of Crones disease.  She feels her daughter’s death could have been avoided had she just gone and consulted with a doctor. 

Her daughter left behind a six year old son, who is now twelve.  After her death she became the caregiver of her grandson until her family took him away. She became addicted to gambling and I gather she had some sort of breakdown and ended up spending all her money.  Since then she hasn’t wanted to earn any.  Her paintings could be a good source of income (one was appraised at $6000) but having money, she feels, will just lead to more gambling.  It makes my story feel relatively tame. 

I have a feeling going through rehab I will find out a lot abut why women drink and some of these reasons seem very justifiable to me.  Addictions do not just stem from weaknesses.

Good for me.  I’m getting a routine.  I have journaled every day this week.  Now for the exercise part.  After journaling, I am planning on taking a walk everyday.  It’s a beautiful day to take some pictures.

What am I grateful for today:

 PHOTOGRAPHS.  THEY CAPTURE SO MANY THINGS.

May 5, 07

What a gorgeous day.  I’m sitting out on the front porch, coffee and cigarette in hand and feeling good.  Much better than yesterday.  I think the lack of a full night sleep for the last few days caught up with me (not good for us bi-polars).  I was dragging my ass around all day.  Had a good night sleep yesterday so my mood is much better. 

Tom and Dave have gone to Elora to the book fair so I do not have to try and impress them.  Didn’t have to get up early to prove that I am not sleeping my life away.  Something I have been doing a little.

How much I have changed.  I use to get up at 6:00 a.m. and in bed by 9:00 p.m.  But my life turned upside down and so did my sleeping habits.  Sleep is so important to me now.  Having not slept more than 3 hours a night for well over a year has made me cherish it.

I felt a little down yesterday.  I received an email from my pal in Mexico, Dulce, letting me know that her husband, the love of her life, died of a heart attack.  I met her online because I had written a comment to a fellow scrapbooker saying that most layouts were beautiful but there was not much realism in them.  Very few scrappers do layouts about the bad stuff in life, and I am certain that no one’s life is as perfect as they portray.  Dulce sent me an email asking if I would correspond with her because she agreed with me.  Later I was to find out that she has had a lot of “rain” in her life and now she has some more storms to weather.  This one more like a hurricane, I am sure.

After writing in this journal yesterday I decided it was time for me to add a walking routine to my daily schedule.  Baby steps they say.  So I took my camera and headed out to Queen St.  I got some gorgeous colourful shots of flowers, produce and different wares.  Some great ones of crocks, hats and beach balls.  I am thinking of using these for my next contest layout about everyday things.

Went on the net this a.m. to see the first round of submissions.  I realize I don’t have a chance.  There are some that look like they were done by professional graphic artists.  I am not in this league, yet.  Oh well, this is a learning experience for me.

I still have not heard from Anna regarding the wedding project.  No one trusts me to do it.  I can just smell it.

I sent off my Oprah layout to my critics.  Carol thinks I should send it to Oprah.  I haven’t heard from Lorraine?

What else happened?  Well it was Friday and Friday’s have always been treat days for me that included a nice dinner and a bottle of wine.  It was the 2^nd time I felt some difficulty about not drinking.  But I didn’t!!!  I was disappointed though when Dave insisted we go back home and eat the left over ham after we picked up the hostas from Deb and Andrew’s.  Well a week of eating ham was just too much for me, so inside I had a little hissy fit.  I calmed down and put a pizza in the oven. 

It is strange how I stumble on so many coincidences (a secret word for me) when I am on the net.  Can’t quite recall how I got to the Wikapedia page on Scientology and was taken aback to read what a creep Ron L. Hubbard was.  I know you can’t always believe everything you read on the net but there were just too many facts to make this whole page bogus.  It does sound like this guy was not in his right mind, a liar, cheat and all around creep and we have some very famous people in the world who are following his doctrine?  Now that I think about it they are all actors too.  Well as I have said before, no one has the answers, certainly not me.  I like investigating though.  I was talking to Tom the other day and mentioned to him how I would make a good detective. 

Well here is the strange part.  Quite a while back, at least 2 years ago, I was checking into Scientology, as I was curious to know more, and I filled out a questionnaire.  For some odd reason I have found out that people diagnosed with bipolar disorder are drawn to religious subjects.  Now who did I get an email from this a.m., non other than the group of Scientology, mentioning that I had filled out a questionnaire and they were conducting another survey! Do do do …there is no such thing as coincidence I have also found to be the truth

I also found out yesterday that the 144,000 chosen people stems from the book of Genesis.  I have a hard time believing in the bible.  Too many things have never added up to me.  I felt this way as a kid and even more so as I got older.  I know people very close to me that were abused by priests.  Also, when I was little, while walking through the church grounds our priest, Father Raymond, appeared out of no where and chased after me.  He was obviously very drunk.  There were also many stories that have been hushed up about his character and have gone ignored.

I know this may sound crazy but I do feel like all these synchronicities are little lessons for me that are meant to direct me some where.  But where is the big question?

p.s. Once again I had that feeling that I was going to stumble on another God Wink.

Well I guess I should get out and at em.  Nice day to take some more pictures.

What I am grateful for today:

HAVING SOME SOLITUDE AND ENJOYING MY OWN COMPANY

May 6th

Sitting out on the front porch again, listening to the birds chirp.  I had forgotten how calming it is to journal.  I did it like clock work for three or four years.  It was my favorite time of day.  Carol has always found it strange that one of the questions she was asked over and over again when they committed me to the hospital was “Does she keep a journal”.  Do they think this is a sign of an unstable mind?  I would love to know this answer.

Yesterday was relatively quiet.  Nothing too exciting to write about.  I enjoyed having a full day all to myself.  The boys got back form Elora around 7:00 p.m.

I went for a walk after journaling.  Something I must do on a continual basis.  Routine is important for individuals that have bipolar disorder, or so I have been told.  Took my camera but the batteries were dead.  I think Dave was a little annoyed with me because I have been trying to charge non-chargeable batteries.  Dave and I are very alike in our interests, but so different in our styles.  I think we are both a little competitive when it comes to our art.  He is a perfectionist and I am far from it.  Neither approach is perfect.  It makes him hesitate and me jump from one idea to the next, never finishing any one project until I absolutely have to.

He just came outside asking me if I would like to go to a garage sale so I will have to keep this short, because I also do not like disappointing him.

He wants the strangest things from people.  Very little things, like making sure the filter for the fish pond is sparkling white two times a day?  Really, sometimes I do get a little annoyed.  But, when it comes to the big things, like taking me in and letting me know

May 7, 2007 CRUMBS ON THE COUNTER

May 7^th

As I was trying to say yesterday, before Dave came out all in a huff saying he was going to the garage sale, he has told me I can basically stay here for as long as I want and has never once made me feel bad for taking me in.  But he is a little impatient at times.  I had asked him if he would mind waiting until I finished my journal and by the look of how much I wrote he certainly didn’t give me much time.  When I said “Wait for me” he said under his breath “Well make up your mind”.  Geeze.

My P.D. asked me during my last visit, as I had told her I didn’t want to give up drinking because I had already lost so much, “What did you lose?”  I told her “my independence”.  I could have said so many things, like my home, my career, my boyfriend, the respect of many people, ½ my nest egg, my looks, my mind, but what really stuck out to me was this.  Now people feel like they have to look after me.  So much advice I get, the latest being that I have to turn off the TV. by 12:00 p.m. or it will be taken away from me, but of course me being me I get my back up and am now in the habit of staying up past 1 a.m., because I do not like being told what to do.

There is some part of me that thinks I became an “alcoholic” because people were telling me that I was not allowed to drink.  So what do I do, but start drinking. Mainly in the morning, because then you are really being bad.  Funny that I didn’t have the urge in the evening (well usually) because this is much more socially accepted.  These are all points I am looking forward to discussing when I enter the program.

So Dave and I went to the garage street sale (nothing but junk) and then went to a few nurseries and bought some plants.  It was planting day yesterday.  I use to love doing this.  I dreamt about it for months before hand, poured through seed catalogues, etc.  My window boxes were much admired and so was my garden.  But, when it’s not your very own it just feels like a lot of work.  I was not in the mood and really wanted to get to my own “work”, making my own beauty doing digital layouts but I no longer have my independence.  Now I have to appease those closest to me.  I guess it is not much different then having a job, but even with my jobs, I was best when I was left to my own devises and could only work for people who appreciated this.

I read this a.m. that people with bipolar disorder are three times more likely to be creative (one of the bipolar groups I belong to on the net).  Everyday I think I will write one person’s name that has, or is/was (suicide?)  suspected to have this disorder.  These people have done some amazing things for the world.  Believe it or not, Abraham Lincoln has been thought to suffer from manic depression (that’s what they use to call it  ... but I guess it had just too bad of a connotation to continue using the term).  This will help me feel proud to have this mental disorder.

After planting we picked up Tom and went over to Carol and Jim’s for dinner.  I have not seen any of my sisters since Christmas.  I suspect there are many reasons why we are not as close as we were before I had given them so much trouble, grief and worry, but I do miss them.  I miss my long conversations with Carol.  She is dead on about so many things and as Tom mentioned more than once last night, could be a stand up comedienne.  I never realized how funny she is, but now that I think about it, she does get me in stitches no matter what is going on in my life.  I think it is very important to be able to laugh about life and especially ourselves, no matter how gruesome you or it gets.  It’s helped me through some very dismal times.

She made Indian food which Tom is not a fan of, but he had two plates.  She’s also one of the best cooks I know.

It was great to see Courtney and Holly again.  I love all my nephews and nieces to pieces.  I keep on remembering this phrase from when I was a child.  My Godmother, Lorraine, who passed away when I was around six, use to call us the mices.  Every time I think about her I remember the song “Enjoy yourself - It’s great to Be Alive”, how often I sing this to myself when I’m feeling ambivalent about life.   

No plans for today.  I must get my walk in so I should go and get dressed.  I am sitting out on the front porch in my pyjamas (no shame).

So what do I feel grateful for today:

MY SISTER CAROL AND LAUGHTER

p.s. it hardly bothered me at all not to have a glass of wine with my dinner, like everyone else except Carol (Thanks for your support!).  I do not need it to have a good time.

May 8, 07

CRUMBS ON THE COUNTER

I am once again sitting on the front porch (this time dressed) coffee and cigarette in hand, but with a pounding headache.  How my thoughts can change over night.  I was up until 2:30 a.m. wondering what I should do.  Just read through briefly, my journal, to see if once again I am jumping the gun, but seriously I do think I have got to leave here.

I love the boys dearly for the most part (though I didn’t feel this way last night).  However, I don’t think it is good for my recovery from alcohol, depression and over all health management, because it just may lead me to drink again.

At this point in my life I have to look after myself and put myself first.  I have heard this over and over again.  Maybe I’m just being lazy and do not want to follow all the rules but there are just too many for me to handle right now that I end up screwing up.

Last night I guess I forgot to wipe down one of the granite counter tops in the kitchen properly.  All my other chores I had completed.  A pot of pea soup in the crock pot, the house spotless, or so I though … actually I was feeling pretty proud of myself, thinking that this time there would be nothing to hold over my head.

I went downstairs when the guys got home at 10:00 p.m.   I was welcomed with a venomous greeting from Tom (and I do mean venomous – he is a Scorpio) “Did you know the counter was absolutely filthy” and to Dave’s humming.  I have come to learn he does this when he is pissed off at me, and he was doing it a lot yesterday.

I didn’t say a word, went outside, smoked two cigarettes in a row and stayed up half the night spewing about all the little insignificant things that I do that I get in trouble for and planning my departure.

Now how am I going to tell Tom and Dave that I really do not want to stay here anymore?  There are just too many rules for me to follow that I am feeling frazzled.  Another venomous comment was made to me by Tom yesterday about the plants outside that were dry.  Well I can’t be on 24 hour plant patrol!

These rules may sound very insignificant, like little rules to follow, and they should be easy to do but the problem is for the most part I try, but when I get one thing down pat, another rules seems to crop up and then I also seem to screw up occasionally on the things I think I have got down pat.  And as I have said before, I’m not that great with rules.

Of course there are the important ones, like do not drink, go to my group sessions, and get out of the house.  These are the ones I need to concentrate on right now.

But really, what grownup likes to be told what time to go to bed.  I told Tom the other day, “I am not a ten year old” and his remark was, “stop acting like one”.  He thinks he is getting me in shape but this boot camp is getting to me.  I would never make it in the army.

I know they think I do nothing all day and just waste my time on the computer, but they don’t realize that this is my “job” right now.  I want to start a career for myself because this is what will save me.  I have taught myself a lot in the last little while and am formalizing what I really want to do.  This takes time.  I don’t want to feel like a deadbeat.  I no longer show the boys anything I am working on because I never get praise, only criticism and I don’t think that is healthy for me either.

I know right now I am complaining because my feelings are hurt and I also know these are very minor things in comparison to all the good things they have done for me (and this is the truth) but right now I am seriously considering going back “home” to Montreal and living with my parents.   I just want to make sure I am not deciding this because I am feeling angry.

The more I ponder this the more I see how this could be the right move for me.  I just feel too indebted to Tom and Dave for taking me in.

It makes sense to go home.  My Mom and Dad are wonderfully supportive.  I can concentrate on getting my life back in order.  There is lots of room and I can set up my own work area.  I can get my furniture out of storage ($300 a month for the last nearly two years).  Also I can keep my Mom company.

I can concentrate on getting back into shape.  Walk with my Mom and Dad every morning.  There is enough room to do yoga and I can watch T.V whenever I want!

So all these ideas are filling my head.  The more I think about this the more pros I see.  It would be great to get my stuff back.  I could redecorate the bedroom with some of the things I love and feel like I am actually home.  I have not had a “home” now for nearly two years.  One month here, three months there.  I should have invested in good luggage.

Bipolar person of the day:  Carly Simon

Grateful for:  HAVING OPTIONS