Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Yesterday I decided that I am going to write a book. Well I guess I have already written a book with all the journals I have collected over the last few years. I woke up this morning and knew there would be lots for me to do in Barbados. I could paint on the beach, start a scrapbook business, do wedding albums, and perhaps I would write a book.
Now I know this sounds a little grand but that is the feeling that overcame me when I woke up and perhaps it will go ignored but hey why not give it a try.
I haven’t written in a week and I wasn’t finished writing the rest of my story from the past month. There may be good reasons why? Sometimes I do feel this book is being directed from elsewhere. To be honest, these past few weeks I may not have always been that reasonable and I don’t want this book to have to be edited that much but there have been times where I have been so frustrated and disappointed in my family that I have a feeling it is because I am fighting for something right now. Or perhaps I am learning how to fight and stand up for myself. I may come off like a bull in a china shop and I suspect when you act that way you do not get back the reactions you want.
Anyway I will start with yesterday and work this story back. If I miss a few details that means they are not important.
I woke up early yesterday a.m. with this idea of writing a book. My bag of journals is at the foot of my bed. I pull one out and I think it will tell me where to begin. The journal I pull out says Week 1 – Day 1 at the top. I take this as a sign to start at the beginning though this is not the first journal. This is the journal where I was going through the brunt of my trauma with Doug, when we were separating. After reading this one I felt drained. I needed to clear my head. So I took a sleeping pill and slept all the way through to 11 a.m. For some reason lately I have this need to give my mind a rest and have been sleeping very well and deep. I woke up feeling very refreshed and excited about what is going on in my life.
I checked my email and there was one from Janet saying that she received the email I had sent her on Friday. Basically her email said she was glad we talked even if we don’t always see eye to eye. What? I am hurt again. What does this mean? Perhaps I am being overly sensitive? This confuses me. Does this mean everything I said was not seen eye to eye or maybe in the future we wouldn’t always see eye to eye, or that evening we didn’t see eye to eye? So I sent an email back asking what we didn’t see eye to eye on and asked if she read the whole message I had sent her: basically a long list of the 99.9% of things that she had done right in her life.
Also I mentioned to her that since she forgot her makeup here maybe we should get together for dinner again because obviously she still does not understand where I am coming from. She sent a note back saying thanks for telling her those nice things and maybe we do need to hear them occasionally. So I guess maybe I am making some headway?
I decided that I needed a break from all the turmoil I was feeling and was determined to just read my book that I started 10 months ago and finally finish it, “When the Crow Flies” by Anne Marie MacDonald. A fabulous book and has many good insights about what is going on in the world. Maybe I can get my mind off of everything for a while.
The phone rings and it is Dani. She has just purchased a new townhouse in Brampton. I had mentioned to my friends that if they wanted to borrow anything while I am away for the unforeseeable future they were welcome to borrow whatever. This would save it from having to go to storage. I have a couch I knew she particularly liked. Well she asked me, if I would like, she will take everything, use some of it and store the rest for me. She would also have a bedroom set up for me when I needed to come back to Toronto. This was a dream come true for her because she has recently purchased a huge townhouse and is coming from a tiny apartment so this will give her the opportunity to have it fully furnished. Also she absolutely loves the way I decorate. She is moving the second to last week of October – perfect timing!!!
This is just meant to be. Now I will not have to put my possessions in storage, pay for it plus the insurance fees. I will have my stuff well looked after to boot. Also, when I visit I will have a place to stay that will feel like my own. Angels working again, I am certain. Dani said is it not funny how things are just meant to be.
Well I have just smoked five cigarettes in my bedroom. What the hell. I don’t have to worry about being evicted now that I have given my notice. Though Debbie is right I am much too intelligent and beautiful to smoke.
Now if this story isn’t sweet enough. I hang up the phone and try to get back to my book and I hear a knock on my door. It is Anita. She wants to know if this is a good time to check out the flights to Barbados. October 14th looks good for her but she can not stay and may just bring me down and return the next day. She has a trip planned for Cancun at the end of September. She mentions that she is not really looking forward to it because she is going alone. She “won” (one of those time share sales pitches) accommodations at an all inclusive small resort in Cancun and because she is a flight attendant she can fly there for nothing. We look at each other and she says “Why don’t you come with me!”
Why not! I’m not working. Not much to plan with my move. We are very excited and make our plans. So it will cost me under $200 to go to Cancun for a week and $85 to fly to Barbados!
Anita has lost two very close people in her life this year. A man she lived with for many years, who remained very close to her and also her sister who died not longer after his death. His birthday is December 4th (same as mine) and her sister’s is December 3rd. We found these connections to be somewhat awesome.
I am so happy to see Anita have some joy in her life, she has gone through a very rough period recently and is finally getting a few breaks. I am very excited about everything. Maybe this is just a crazy dream … but I think not.
So I have a need to tell someone, but it is not like many people in my family seem to want to talk to me these days. Still a dilemma to me and to be honest this dose bother me and hurts.
I called my Mom, hoping she has finally seen the truth in all of this but I don’t think she has quite yet. It is difficult for people to give up their old beliefs. I am really starting to understand this. It is very scary to believe that there is more to this world then we have been taught and then to see proof of it. This I suspect is part of the message I am being directed to tell.
So I tell my Mom about all these new developments. We have a chat like everything that is going on between me and my family is perfectly normal. I put in a barb about Diane though. She recently made a comment to me about Jim having Carol’s 40th surprise birthday party at her place and how this is going to cost her money. Why is Diane so afraid that someone is going to take advantage of her and her money?
At the end of the conversation my Mom says “Are you watching your money”. Ugh…. I am exasperated. I say to my mother “This is exactly the kind of comment that I do not want to hear. When was the last time anyone asked an adult, who has done very well for herself and been responsible with her finances , "Are you watching your money?”. Obviously there is a lot of misinterpretation to what I have done or said.
I allow these little things to take the joy from my life. That is my problem, my responsibility. So between Janet and her comment that we didn’t see eye to eye … I just don’t know… I don’t know … and this is where I am asking for guidance.
After this I decided I needed some more brain numbing and turned on Oprah. Lisa Marie Presley is on. She talks about her relationship with Michael Jackson. He does not sound like a very warm individual. I have been a supporter of his and have been very vocal about my opinion of the media treatment of the child molestation charges. My opinion still stands very strongly. I am wondering if there is a message here for me.
Another Godwink. Two days previously I had adamantly argued with both Tom and Dave that I thought Michael Jackson was innocent because I had not heard one shred of evidence that he was guilty. Oprah’s show made no mention about the recent trail. It looked like Lisa Marie felt she was being used as a media event to further his career. I don’t know why this media circus bothers me so much. I think there is a lesson here?
I started feeling angry with my family. I still have not heard very much that I care to hear from them. My Mom did mention that if I needed the girl’s help that they would help me! I don’t need their help. When did I ask for their help? What I need is their faith that I am capable of looking after myself. That is what we all need ... faith. That is what keeps us from worrying our life away. Have a little faith in me – but mainly have faith in God ... or a higher power. When God speaks, listen. It doesn’t have to be a scary thing. Actually in my case it has usually been quite humorous.
So I lost it a little by the end of the day and thought of making a few phone calls because I was planning on letting some members of my family know how hurt I felt about all of this.
But I listened and meditated and listened to the signals and they told me not to. So I didn’t. But I did end up having a wonderful conversation with my niece, Lauren. You know that kid has been reading Shakespeare and is even enjoying it.
Enough for today. Maybe I will not have so much to write about tomorrow so I can go back to my story.
Blessings – to numerous to list.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
There will certainly be no time today to get back to the rest of the story. Life goes on at breakneck speed.
Yesterday will be another difficult day to write about. This one I definitely need to get out of my system once and for all.
In the late afternoon after writing in my journal I decided the day called for a bottle of wine. I was right. So I took a walk to Bloor West in happy spirits, thinking of how life was just flowing. Even dreaming that maybe Bob would come and join me in Barbados and we would use our gifts/talents to fight the evil enemies of the world. Yes, I hate to admit this but Bob has been back in my head. All those Godwinks – they must mean something?
I now know that I definitely have not been reading them right. I have been ignoring what they have been trying to tell me. Looking back there were some obvious signals I chose to ignore. Before I get into that there are a few other things that happened that were also some lessons for me.
During the day I had opened up my cellular Bell bill and was shocked to see that I was was charged $78 in local calls. I evidently used up my minutes because of repeatedly calling Bob’s home number and these calls did not even go through! I made the calls on my cell because my telephone and internet were down. Anyway, I called customer service and got the complete run around. There is nothing they can do, they tell me. It is company policy to never deduct charges. If I want to wait for a supervisor I may get one but will be given the same answer. I ask to speak to an Ombudsman. There is no such person at Bell I am told. I have had numerous frustrations with Bell in the past. This time I am determined to talk to someone who has some authority and let them know what I think about their customer (dis)service. After hours and hours I finally get in touch with the “Executive” office. Another call person, but he will write down my complaints (and I have many) and give it to the Vice President’s office. He also tells me that it is not company policy to deduct charges. I tell him what I think of many of their customer policies. I am very polite and calm for the most part. When I ask him when I can expect a reply he tells me “this is as far as it goes”. I told him I hope he was writing that in this report also. Frustration. I say to him that this type of treatment to their customers is a huge waste of time, money and I am sure it must be very difficult for him to have to listen to these types of complaints all day. It was really quite comical and sad at the same time. I was venting my frustrations at the corporate world in general.
I guess I better choose my battles more carefully because this one is a losing one right now and there are much more important ones I must learn to fight.
So I was once again causing myself grief. I would really like to stop all these feelings for a while – but I didn’t.
Instead I decided to have a glass of wine and call my niece, Amanda. Amanda has had the best summer of her life. What she has learnt at Camp Towhee she says has changed her life (why was I hearing from Janet that she was having a difficult time?) We talked about all the awesome, special times she had or some of them anyway. She mentioned that four of her co-councilors coincidentally lived right around the corner from us on High Park. Now what are the chances of that?
She is coming over next Thursday and we are going shopping. I said nothing about the recent family events. Just told her about moving to Barbados for a while and my trip to Cancun.
Friday August 26, 2005
What a beautiful view from my bedroom window. I will miss it. A lot of trees are in bloom right now so it is a riot of colour. I do love colour.
I needed to get away from my feelings yesterday and I found it difficult to continue with the rest of the story. I don’t think I am ever going to catch up.
Back to Wednesday – get this part over and done with for good.
I had been waiting for Oprah to come on all day. Today was the 2nd part of the interview with Lisa Marie and Priscilla was joining her, their first mother/daughter interview ever. The show had absolutely nothing to do with defending Michael Jackson on the charges. They were smart in saying nothing. Why give more fodder to the fire that was way out of control. They did say he obviously liked women. Also, that there was some feeling that perhaps Lisa Marie was being used (making perfect babies that would become stars?) Perhaps Michael Jackson’s life has been so screwed up that he is just a shell and all he knows is how to be a mega star? Media gone astray once again. I don’t know – nor will I ever know what is going on in his mind, and nor should I care.
Oprah at the end of the show said a couple of things that felt so appropriate to me.
That perhaps mothers sometimes do not allow their daughters to spread their own wings. She said this happens a lot. And Priscilla said what we really need to be careful about are our choices in men. Boy don’t I know that one.
I was happy after this show – it just made some things clear to me.
But then I watched the news.
A Canadian talk show (one that I find particularly insulting whenever I have caught a few minutes of it). They were debating how much security the public transit system required in light of the recent bombing event in London.
Fear mongering – that is all this is! The world has gone crazy sometimes I think. Terrorism is definitely going to win if we allow ourselves to be terrorized but ratings seem to control this. I have a huge beef with this.
Then I changed the channel to ABC and of course since the Michael Jackson trial is over there is very little else to report in the world but how we can make our transportation system safer??? In Toronto, after the London bombing, there was mass hysteria when the announcer told everyone to vacate the subway. There was a suspicious package left on a bench. Well if you know how often I have forgotten packages in the subway (so I am aware of how many packages are left with lost and found) you will understand where I am coming from. I gather the U.S. is spending billions of dollars putting in security systems that won’t be in operation until 2008 - and there are children starving all over the world – in order to assure that no suspect packages are left behind.
The next segment was about a study (how much this one cost I don’t want to know) on when a fetus feels pain. Why is this subject coming up over and over again? We can not look after the children that are living in this world now and we have these absolutely ridiculous studies that also cause more pain and guilt to women and are being brought up over and over again especially during election time?
That’s enough about the news for one night.
Well I have been delaying this next part of the story. Yes, it is difficult to admit that you have been wrong about something. Why I decided to call him again that night I don’t know. But I was still having daydreams of sending him an email from Barbados suggesting to come and help save the world with me. Bob does have a lot of inventions, especially when it comes to energy consumption that could help this world. And because despite everything there has been an awful lot of Godwinks. One of these days I will take a better look at them because now I realize yes God was winking and telling me to get the hell out of this situation. But sometimes we can not see what is right in front of our faces. We look for approval and love so desperately.
I called him. Told him about my plans and also told him I was going to paint and write a book. Of course now I am sure he thinks I am truly mad. But I don’t care what he thinks. He mentioned to me that it is too bad things didn’t work out for us. This makes me feel hurt … that is all he can say. I am silent. He asks me if this hurts me. I tell him he should have said this to me a year and a half ago. “But we were friends”, he says. “No we were not friends” I say. “A friend would have called me after they saw the distress I had just been through”. “Do you still have drug and alcohol problems?” he says. “Bob, you have know me nearly two years – have you ever seen a drug or an alcohol problem until recently”?
“I guess I will let you go now” Bob says. I didn’t say anything. I have finally let him go. But of course not until I try his home phone number again and again. The bloody bastard did block my calls. Yes he is impeccable with his affairs, but how they have eaten away at this soul. He should feel guilty … he is guilty. I left a message on his cell letting him know that I realized now why everyone was so protective of me when it came to him.
So now I finally have freedom from wanting a relationship so badly that I forgot to look at all the stop signs.
Other than this nothing too much happened yesterday. Guess what Oprah’s show was about? “He is just not that into you”. Powerful words of advice. I think now maybe I have learnt what I needed to learn. Boy, I can be stubborn at times.
Blessings too numerous to count.
P.S. Before I called Bob I was watching the news. Once again I was infuriated by the bullshit fear mongering we are being fed. So I zipped off email after email telling them what I felt about their ridiculous scare tactic stories.
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