May 4, 2007 OPRAH LAYOUT

May 4, 2007

I am feeling so up this morning it’s hard for me to contain myself (another manic sign).  Kind of sad that I have to worry about being happy.  Once again I stayed up late (1:00 a.m.) just filled with ideas and having a quest for knowledge. 

Visited Rosie’s blog and there is some scary stuff out there.  I have been looking up the information regarding the World Trade Center collapse and it certainly does look suspicious.  Could there possibly have been government conspiracy?  What a scary thought.  How I dislike Bush.  I think the man is evil and wouldn’t put anything past him.

Just before I was diagnosed with being bi-polar I was obsessed about getting this point across.  My other big beef was the media.  I honestly think it’s run by a lot of very powerful men that only have their own altruistic ego’s in mind, not to mention their pocketbooks, and this can be very dangerous. 

I have been up for an hour and am now on my 4^th cigarette. 

Good day yesterday.  It has been recommended that I keep track of my moods.

I relish the feeling of having lots on the go.  I know some people would think that much of what I do is trivial but “if it makes you happy”.  I have been so unhappy the last few years of my life.  There is a bright side to this.  I am really starting to appreciate the good days.  Just like I hate the dreary winters but love the spring.

I did my Oprah layout.  Personally, I got a kick out of it and am going to submit it even if I get negative comments from my critics.  I think it’s important for me to have faith in myself.  How can other people have faith in me if I don’t believe in myself?

Took a lot of photo editing to get a stand alone picture of myself and Oprah.  I meshed the two pictures together and it really does look like she is introducing me to an audience.  See how easy it is to fool the eye.  My secret wishes … Nobel Peace Prize Winner, author, artist and Queen of the Crop.  Of course I used an old picture of me before I gained 40 lbs.  But this is my secret to keep.

Went for group therapy yesterday, or as Debbie commented, to group therapy... is one wrong?  Met up with a few of the women I was introduced to last week.  I should try and remember their names.  One of them gave me a big hug. They all seem to be warn and beaten down by life, one way or another.  So many stories to tell in that room.  The topic this week was on spirituality, a topic I am eager to discuss with people who do not know me (I got in a lot of trouble discussing this with my family before being diagnosed with bipolar disorder).  Everyone in the room had their own take on what it meant but also we had many similarities.   There was not one person who believed any specific faith made any sense and there were many negative comments on the Catholic religion.  The comment was made that Catholics are made to feel guilty about so much we should not feel guilty about.  Like God keeps a tally list on everyone to see if you are worthy or not of getting into heaven and of course you must also be a good Catholic to do so. 

My comment was that I don’t think there is any one person in this whole wide world that has a direct line to God.  No one really knows what God is but there definitely is one because there have been too many incidences in my life for me to believe otherwise.

I revisited Brian DeFlores website.  Reading further I realize this guy either is absolutely nuts or is taking advantage of us poor unsuspecting souls.  A question asked was “Why do we never see you”.  His explanation was something to the effect that he is too busy teleporting himself to different dimensions.  Now really!  I hate to be a cynic but … Also he certainly has a lot of stuff to sell.  If he was so busy in other dimensions how could he possibly be taking care of business?

144,000 chosen people who are earth right now?  I think we are all chosen people and we are all connected somehow.  Somewhere in my brain or soul I think I know this.

Another question was “if we were one thing in nature what we would be”.  I said that I would be an ocean because it is calming, mysterious, and colourful and it affects so many things.  I also feel somehow we are tied to the ocean and the moon, the sun and the stars.  These things control our moods.  The ocean is also very deep and colourful.  Now that I think about it though, it does sound like a huge undertaking to me.  Perhaps I should have chosen a dog.  There is nothing wrong with a dog’s life, especially these days.  They are pampered more than people.  I am living right next door to a doggie spa.  They give and get unconditional love.

I took the subway home with a woman whom I got the feeling really needed to talk.  She is attending Jean Tweeds because of a gambling addiction.  She looks very familiar to me and I can’t figure out why?  She was brought up in Montreal and is a little older than my 48 years.  Also, guess where her brother lives!   Laval West my small home town... no small coincidence or is it?  She is/was an artist and hasn’t picked up a paint brush since her daughter died.  She was married to a light weight champion, who beat her, including knocking her teeth out.  I gather she was with him until he died some horrible death from bone cancer.  Not long after this she lost her only daughter who was 29.  She died of Crones disease.  She feels her daughter’s death could have been avoided had she just gone and consulted with a doctor. 

Her daughter left behind a six year old son, who is now twelve.  After her death she became the caregiver of her grandson until her family took him away. She became addicted to gambling and I gather she had some sort of breakdown and ended up spending all her money.  Since then she hasn’t wanted to earn any.  Her paintings could be a good source of income (one was appraised at $6000) but having money, she feels, will just lead to more gambling.  It makes my story feel relatively tame. 

I have a feeling going through rehab I will find out a lot abut why women drink and some of these reasons seem very justifiable to me.  Addictions do not just stem from weaknesses.

Good for me.  I’m getting a routine.  I have journaled every day this week.  Now for the exercise part.  After journaling, I am planning on taking a walk everyday.  It’s a beautiful day to take some pictures.

What am I grateful for today:

 PHOTOGRAPHS.  THEY CAPTURE SO MANY THINGS.

May 5, 07

What a gorgeous day.  I’m sitting out on the front porch, coffee and cigarette in hand and feeling good.  Much better than yesterday.  I think the lack of a full night sleep for the last few days caught up with me (not good for us bi-polars).  I was dragging my ass around all day.  Had a good night sleep yesterday so my mood is much better. 

Tom and Dave have gone to Elora to the book fair so I do not have to try and impress them.  Didn’t have to get up early to prove that I am not sleeping my life away.  Something I have been doing a little.

How much I have changed.  I use to get up at 6:00 a.m. and in bed by 9:00 p.m.  But my life turned upside down and so did my sleeping habits.  Sleep is so important to me now.  Having not slept more than 3 hours a night for well over a year has made me cherish it.

I felt a little down yesterday.  I received an email from my pal in Mexico, Dulce, letting me know that her husband, the love of her life, died of a heart attack.  I met her online because I had written a comment to a fellow scrapbooker saying that most layouts were beautiful but there was not much realism in them.  Very few scrappers do layouts about the bad stuff in life, and I am certain that no one’s life is as perfect as they portray.  Dulce sent me an email asking if I would correspond with her because she agreed with me.  Later I was to find out that she has had a lot of “rain” in her life and now she has some more storms to weather.  This one more like a hurricane, I am sure.

After writing in this journal yesterday I decided it was time for me to add a walking routine to my daily schedule.  Baby steps they say.  So I took my camera and headed out to Queen St.  I got some gorgeous colourful shots of flowers, produce and different wares.  Some great ones of crocks, hats and beach balls.  I am thinking of using these for my next contest layout about everyday things.

Went on the net this a.m. to see the first round of submissions.  I realize I don’t have a chance.  There are some that look like they were done by professional graphic artists.  I am not in this league, yet.  Oh well, this is a learning experience for me.

I still have not heard from Anna regarding the wedding project.  No one trusts me to do it.  I can just smell it.

I sent off my Oprah layout to my critics.  Carol thinks I should send it to Oprah.  I haven’t heard from Lorraine?

What else happened?  Well it was Friday and Friday’s have always been treat days for me that included a nice dinner and a bottle of wine.  It was the 2^nd time I felt some difficulty about not drinking.  But I didn’t!!!  I was disappointed though when Dave insisted we go back home and eat the left over ham after we picked up the hostas from Deb and Andrew’s.  Well a week of eating ham was just too much for me, so inside I had a little hissy fit.  I calmed down and put a pizza in the oven. 

It is strange how I stumble on so many coincidences (a secret word for me) when I am on the net.  Can’t quite recall how I got to the Wikapedia page on Scientology and was taken aback to read what a creep Ron L. Hubbard was.  I know you can’t always believe everything you read on the net but there were just too many facts to make this whole page bogus.  It does sound like this guy was not in his right mind, a liar, cheat and all around creep and we have some very famous people in the world who are following his doctrine?  Now that I think about it they are all actors too.  Well as I have said before, no one has the answers, certainly not me.  I like investigating though.  I was talking to Tom the other day and mentioned to him how I would make a good detective. 

Well here is the strange part.  Quite a while back, at least 2 years ago, I was checking into Scientology, as I was curious to know more, and I filled out a questionnaire.  For some odd reason I have found out that people diagnosed with bipolar disorder are drawn to religious subjects.  Now who did I get an email from this a.m., non other than the group of Scientology, mentioning that I had filled out a questionnaire and they were conducting another survey! Do do do …there is no such thing as coincidence I have also found to be the truth

I also found out yesterday that the 144,000 chosen people stems from the book of Genesis.  I have a hard time believing in the bible.  Too many things have never added up to me.  I felt this way as a kid and even more so as I got older.  I know people very close to me that were abused by priests.  Also, when I was little, while walking through the church grounds our priest, Father Raymond, appeared out of no where and chased after me.  He was obviously very drunk.  There were also many stories that have been hushed up about his character and have gone ignored.

I know this may sound crazy but I do feel like all these synchronicities are little lessons for me that are meant to direct me some where.  But where is the big question?

p.s. Once again I had that feeling that I was going to stumble on another God Wink.

Well I guess I should get out and at em.  Nice day to take some more pictures.

What I am grateful for today:

HAVING SOME SOLITUDE AND ENJOYING MY OWN COMPANY

May 6th

Sitting out on the front porch again, listening to the birds chirp.  I had forgotten how calming it is to journal.  I did it like clock work for three or four years.  It was my favorite time of day.  Carol has always found it strange that one of the questions she was asked over and over again when they committed me to the hospital was “Does she keep a journal”.  Do they think this is a sign of an unstable mind?  I would love to know this answer.

Yesterday was relatively quiet.  Nothing too exciting to write about.  I enjoyed having a full day all to myself.  The boys got back form Elora around 7:00 p.m.

I went for a walk after journaling.  Something I must do on a continual basis.  Routine is important for individuals that have bipolar disorder, or so I have been told.  Took my camera but the batteries were dead.  I think Dave was a little annoyed with me because I have been trying to charge non-chargeable batteries.  Dave and I are very alike in our interests, but so different in our styles.  I think we are both a little competitive when it comes to our art.  He is a perfectionist and I am far from it.  Neither approach is perfect.  It makes him hesitate and me jump from one idea to the next, never finishing any one project until I absolutely have to.

He just came outside asking me if I would like to go to a garage sale so I will have to keep this short, because I also do not like disappointing him.

He wants the strangest things from people.  Very little things, like making sure the filter for the fish pond is sparkling white two times a day?  Really, sometimes I do get a little annoyed.  But, when it comes to the big things, like taking me in and letting me know

October 22, 2005 CENTRE FOR MENTAL HEALTH & ADDICTIONS (CAMH)

Saturday October 22, 2005

Today I was supposed to be flying to Barbados and instead I find myself sitting at a desk at the Centre for Mental Health &  Addictions.  There is so much to write about.  I  tried to catch up the last time I wrote in a journal, two months ago, but that didn’t work and now I have so many more stories to get down on paper.  So for now I will just concentrate on what happened the day before.  This journal is for me to be used later maybe?

I definitely seem to be getting signals to write a book.  I have been told by a few people that I should and also somehow just know that this is what is destined for me to do.  Now my plan is to not only write a book but also to include pictures and artwork that I create.  Maybe a book to catch the essence of whatever I am meant to say?  The truth will set you free.

I am enjoying my stay here.  I think it is the first time in my life, other than growing up with my Mom and Dad, I feel like I am being looked after.  The staff here, for the most part, are wonderful caring human beings.

I have a feeling that most of the “clients” I am hospitalized with and I will become friends.  We were all sent here for a reason and the puzzle is beginning to make some sense. 

It was a wonderful day for the most part yesterday.  Number 1 – I got my privileges to go outside as long as long I am accompanied by a friend or family member or someone who works here.  It has been two weeks since I have been allowed outside.   It felt like bliss.    The sky was a brilliant blue, the temperature perfect.  How good it felt to have a cigarette outside with my new friends and breathe in all that fresh air and feel the sunshine.

I am so bad at remembering names.   Claudia, a beautiful new friend I met here, the social recreation worker (forgot her name,,, why can’t I remember names?) and I went for a walk.  I love the area.  Very artistic with lots of interesting shops, restaurants and art galleries.   After being locked up for so long, I appreciated every second of it.  

There are so many things going on in the world and so many things going on in my life.

I am very confused and upset with my family.  It is something I still can not write about.  I wonder why?  I will bring this up with my doctor.  Maybe I don’t need to write about it?

I bought a little radio for $1.00 and am listening to CBC.   I feel in tune with the universe right now.  There are many connections with our group (17 clients).  Claudia and I hit if off immediately.  It is a relief to finally talk to someone else who is getting the signals the same way I am.  There are many special people around here.  I am proud to be bi-polar.  I really truly am very, very blessed. 

I noticed that Sarah keeps her journal with her at all times.  I’m going to keep this book open and if or when something interesting happens write it down.  I have a feeling these journals will come in use in some way.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

So many things going on – but all is well that ends well.  I am finally craving to draw or paint again.  Many things happened yesterday.

Monday October 24, 2005

There is so much to write about – good and sad – that I don’t know where to begin.

God has a plan for me.  Life is very mysterious.  I am happy even though I should feel sad.

Bi-polar and proud.  What is wrong with being happy?  I can not bear to write about my family.  There are scared.  Worry is wasteful.  We should spend our time being happy.  This is why God made us.

I’ve been reawakened.  I am getting pleasure again from the little things in life.  This is what I am here to learn.  I feel very creative and understood here by the group I am with.  It’s great to meet people who are going through some of the same things I am going through.  We have all kinds of ideas.

I’m looking forward to the CAMH’s Halloween party.  I am going as a Club Meds chick (our name for our group) and Claudia is going as a CAMH (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health) gal.

I have difficulty remembering names, like so many people here.  We have so much in common.  Most of us are people pleasers and intelligent.  I feel special to have bi-polar.

I am itching to get my hands on a paint brush.

I am very blessed.  Thank you God!!!  Today will be wonder full.

“Sunshine on my shoulder makes me happy

Sunshine on my shoulder makes me cry

If I had a day that I could give you

I’d give to you a day just like today.”

Thursday October 27, 2005

Where to start?  I feel I have so many options and things to do.  My creativity is back. Yesterday Claudia, Christian and I went for a walk and stopped in at Chapters.  So many books I want to read and songs I want to listen to.  I wonder if there is a Chapters in Barbados?

I’m very excited about going to Barbados now.  I remember when the dream of doing something was nearly as good as actually doing it.  I’m getting this back. 

On our way back we stopped in at an art supply store and I bought some supplies.  I tested the pastels and really like the way they colour and blend.

I went to an art therapy session today.  We did collages on where we would like to be in the future.  I am seeing how technology and spirituality are getting together.  We will all save the world.

I am still seeking my purpose in life. 

Co-incidences are falling like rain around here.  Joe Theriault and I pulled out the same picture (out of thousands) of rock formations down east.  When we presented our collage to the class we both joked that it must be in our genes. 

I think I have gained a few pounds in here from eating three square meals a day, plus snacks.  But I will not worry about it (because worry is wasteful) and when I get to Barbados I will have plenty of opportunity to get into the best shape of my life.

I have met a kindred soul in Claudia and have suggested she come and stay with me in Barbados for a while, while she transitions from this place to the real world.  I would enjoy her company.  She has so much spirit.

I feel like I am in love with life.

Thank you so much God.

Friday, October 28, 2005

My parents are coming to visit today.  It is about time someone visited me.  This whole ordeal has me confused.  Carol too from the sounds of it.   Received emails from both her and Janet.  Carol asked if it was ok to visit me with the kids and Jim.   Do they think I am in some kind of prison?   I would love to see Holly and Courtney.  They must be wondering what has been going on also.

I often ponder what Courtney’s wish was?  The night we had Chinese take out and Holly and I got the same message, we all made wishes.  Holly and my fortunes were identical and the message basically was that we would have a lot of work to do.  Courtney’s fortune read something to the effect that her life will be unaffected.  I do not know why I believe that whatever is happening in our world will not affect Courtney adversely.    Or why I have this feeling that Holly and I will have a lot of work to do?  I laughed with Holly saying I thought our fortune was exciting and she said  “Yes, but I would rather have Courtney’s”.   How much more truthful can you be. 

I have forgotten so many little memories that are special to me.  I need to journal on a more regular basis.

We are having so much fun here.  Yesterday Christian bought some scissors and cut Claudia’s hair.  She is going to be cutting hair today and perhaps I will barter with her.  In return for a haircut I will make her some home made cards.

I’ve gotten back into my art.  It feels good to be enjoying these things again.

I received an email from Debbie, asking me for the keys for my apartment?  She knows everything is packed in boxes.  For some reason she continually tests me.  It is still my apartment.  Why does she want my keys?

I am going to go to the Halloween party that is being held in my apartment after all.  This will be a good way to break the ice.  Should I or shouldn’t I have a drink – that is the question?  I don’t need to but it would be nice to have a couple of glasses of wine.

I think I will suggest to my parents that we go out for dinner around here when they visit.  My Mom will love the shops.  I’m looking forward to seeing them.  I just hope that nasty old devil doesn’t bother us.  The devil, this is the only way I can make sense of this ordeal.  So many unexplainable things have happened.

I continue with the flow.  Yesterday was a normal day.  No synchronicities to track.  They normally happen so often now that it is hard to track because they are falling like rain.

Something that hurt me yesterday was Janet’s email saying let’s just sweep all of this under the carpet and she will try to make it to the family meeting.

Also I gather Dani moved without my furniture.  When I see her at the party we can make arrangements to get my stuff over to her.  

I am still wondering what my role is in this whole thing?

Smoking has been a God send for me. It gives me the opportunity to talk to other “clients” who have been going through similar situations as me.

“So many things to talk about”.  I pasted this onto my collage during art therapy.

Peace, Love, Ohm Shanty

Love

Lesa

Saturday October 29, 2005

Exercise = lots of walking

Cigarettes = 10 or 15

Diet = Oatmeal, Waffles, Fish, Mash Potatoes, Soup, Steak Sandwich, French Fries, Muffin

Work = 0

Spirit = 8/10

Sleep = 11 – 7

Back to Bridgett Jones.  It's good for people with bi-polar disorder to track our moods I have found out.  Got another book that I think will be helpful – “A Survival Guide” for people with bi-polar disorder.  

I do know one thing for sure though, I must believe in God, because only the truth will set me free.

My parents came yesterday.  My second visitors in the 4 weeks I have been held at this residence.  Janet dropped by on one of her lunch hours. We had a good visit – not perfect – but we did talk.  I remained very calm for the most part.  There are still feelings of animosity though.  Especially when I mention anything about spirituality?  I do not have to listen to them and they do not have to listen to me.  But please, please do not blame me being diagnosed with bi-polar disorder on my belief in God.  I don’t know how many Godwinks I need to have before they see that I am not lying.  I told my Mom I am feeling a bit like Saint Bernadette (lol).

They brought me some presents.  My Uncle Marcel and Aunt Louise sent me some new p.j.’s.  My parents gave me p.j’s too.  So now I can cross this off my list of what I need.  I do have such great aunts and uncles.  My Mom said Judy and Wayne are looking forward to seeing me in February when they are in Barbados.  They call me the princess and treat me as one.  It is nice to be pampered once in a while.  I realize now that through no fault of anyone I did not get enough of this while I was growing up.

Tonight I’m going to the Halloween Party being held at my apartment.  This should be fun and perhaps a way to break the ice with my friends.  Dr. Bender thinks it is a good idea and also a good opportunity to discuss what it means to be bi-polar with my friends.

Our group feels that bi-polars have more fun – so I am staying away from alcohol.  Who wants a depressant anyway?

Today, Christian, Claudia and I are going shopping for my Madonna outfit.  They are going to help me get ready.  The whole works, hair, make-up and costume.    So many things I am looking forward to.

I have been smoking cigarettes (had quit for a week – but it is such a social thing to do).  These are native cigarettes and do not have as many chemicals in them I feel.  I’m really enjoying them without feeling the side effects of the “socially” unaccepted ones that will kill you with all their toxic chemicals.  This smoking thing really has me confused – kind of like the Debbie thing.

Well compared to what has been happening, yesterday was perfectly normal.  What is normal exactly?  No such thing I say.

But I did buy myself some beautiful flowers. It is also important that we pamper ourselves.  This is what I need to learn.  It is ok when our thoughts are connected to our needs and we do need to see beauty and the world is a beautiful place and thank you God for all the blessings you have given me.

Curiosity

New friends

Barbados

Journals

Art

Sunshine

Nieces and Nephews

Dogs

Magazines

Knowledge

Monday, October 31, 2005

HALLOWEEN

Mood = 9/10

Sleep = 10:30 – 6:30 (eight hours)

Diet = 5/10

Exercise = Lots of walking

Business = Looking after myself

A new Bridgette Jones.  Everything is falling into place now.

Yesterday my parents, Carol, Lauren and Amanda came to visit and bring me more stuff.  I had to chuckle because Diane keeps on packing me pyjamas.  I must now have 10 pairs to wear and the rest are cloths to slouch around in.  Anyway I am very comfortable.

I upset my mother again.  I was a little hurt when I asked them where they wanted to eat lunch and they said just something light because they had to leave by four as they didn’t want to set stuck in traffic and wanted to get to Diane’s before dinner.

I thought they were spending the day with me?  I have hardly had any visitors in the last few weeks.  I guess I know why.  Everyone is afraid of my moods right now.  I have been feeling hurt a lot and sometimes lash out. 

How do I separate being bi-polar and what has happened to me.   What is real and what is delusional?  How much of Mexico was real?  In my mind everything was real but my family and friends are not ready to hear this just yet.

I’ve made so many new friends here.  We are all  connected.  So many Godwinks that I have lost track.

I went to Debbie and Andrew’s Halloween party held at my home.  I felt a little sad walking into my empty apartment.   When I arrived the party had not begun and my old friends were just about ready to have dinner downstairs at Debbie and Andrews.  I did not feel like I was welcomed.  They were shocked to actually see me show up?

The evening was fun regardless.  Claudia and Christian helped me put together my costume.  I went as Madonna and so did Dani and another girl.  There was lots of Madonna’s floating around, so I decided to be Cindy Lauper instead.  We can change so easily.

Seeing all my friends at the party worked out well.  It broke the ice.  People think I am much more fragile and troubled then I am.  I am also relieved to know that I can go to a party and not drink and still be able to dance and sing and leave my inhibitions at the door.

Lauren brought her sketchbook when she visited.  What talent that girl has.  She wrote an amazing poem.  I asked her to send me a copy of it.   I would like to put it in my book of scraps.  This is where I can put my thoughts.

I am feeling so alive lately.  I certainly don’t need a drink.  I’m getting high on life.  I’m also smoking like a chain smoker but this bad habit connects me to so many people.  I have another good friend, Jamie. We have smoked many cigarettes while getting to know each other.   He makes me feel good about myself and gives me confidence.

My circle of good friends is growing and growing but I know I have to watch not letting it grow so much that I don’t leave any time for myself.

Funny how things turn out!  I could not have dreamt up the scenario I am going through now!

I am slowly getting back into my art.  This is also part of my purpose in life – to make beautiful art.

So much to write about.  I am very blessed.  Thank you God for

Bright crisp fall days

Caring nurses

New friends

Halloween

Art

Talent

Dogs

Life

Tuesday November 1, 2005

ALL SAINTS DAY

Exercise = A little bit of walking

Diet = Snacks, snacks, snacks, smoking life a chimney

Alcohol = 0

Mood = 8/10

My Business = Learning

My Spirit = With me most of the time

I have learnt so much over the past couple of months.  What I am learning here is how to relax.  Now my job is to teach my family how to relax.  I guess they think I have acted quite unusual prior to my coming here.  Now I have to decipher what was real and what was manic?  But I know that many things that have happened were real.  Reactions to them were odd.  I am now the crazy lady.

I like to write whatever comes into my head.  Does this mean I am in a manic state?  Now I want to help my family understand.

I talked to my Mom yesterday.   Once again we had a stressful conversation.  She thinks I am not ready to get out of here because I am disagreeing with mistruths and exaggerations.

Why are they more concerned with trying to prove that I am insane then trying to prove to them that God exists?  That is the test God has given me.  I do think that everything that has happened to me is pointing me to some direction.   First though I need a little rest and relaxation.

Can you imagine my family has so little faith in me that my parents want to escort me to Barbados?

Just came back with Jamie after smoking two cigarettes in a row.  Why do cigarettes play such an important role lately?  A good role.  I end up having great conversations and making good friends through smoke.

We were talking about sometimes having too much choice.  Right now I have so many books to read and things I want to do that I just don’t know where to start.  So I will journal instead.  Maybe I will start a blog when I am in Barbados.

Wednesday November 2, 2005

AND AMAZING IT IS

Amazing Grace how sweet the sound.

This is what Gonzo sang to me in that beautiful cave in Mexico.  The picture is coming together.  But beauty is everyday the understanding gets clearer and clearer and then it takes a turn and gets clearer and clearer.

This is why this happened – oh now I get it.  We are messengers.  Now I am sure of it and many of us are bi-polar.  There are so many thoughts running through my brain but clearer now.

Tonight we smoked a joint and it all fell together but then tomorrow will come and I may just get another turn or maybe this one will stick for a while.

This was also an amazing day because my family and I are at peace.

Wednesday November 2, 2005

Yesterday was an important day for me.  My new friend, Jamie told me this.  I am up today at 4:50 a.m. Did not want to go back to sleep.  My body clock is not regulated yet but it is getting there.

My Mom, Dad, Diane and Carol came for the family meeting.  It was good to show off my family.  Everyone commented on what a great one I have.

We both gave and took at the meeting.  I came to understand how right they were about some things.  I was acting a little odd.  Carol will now be the one person who is in charge of my moods and to mention to me that I need to seek help.  Dr. Bender asked me who would be the best person for this job.  There was no doubt in my mind that it should be Carol.  I call her my equilibrium. 

The meeting changed a few things for me.  It helped me gain clarity.  I now decided I will go to Barbados with my parents January 1, 2006.  But who knows maybe this plan will not work out according to plan.  That’s the beauty of all the mystery in all of this.

Once I knew my parents were going to “let me go” on my own I felt free to go when ever I felt like it.  So now it looks like a three month deal not six.  But I do know I have to be in Canada in April so coming back in March makes sense.  The last time I spoke to Gonzo in Mexico he told me to go to Barbados and relax.  I would need to because come April there would be a lot of work to do.  This is part of the mystery.

There is so much to say.  Journaling is making me sleepy right now.  I will wait to write when the world is not working in such a wonderful wacky way. 

I am extremely blessed an honoured and in awe.  What a wonderful world.

Friday November 5, 2005

I should have brought my old journal with me.  Maybe I could understand why my head feels so clear now?  It is not filled with all the injustices of the world or all the worry.

Days are becoming more normal now.  I am ready to go home even if I don’t have one.  Home is where your family and friends are. 

Looks like a beautiful day today.  The sun is rising now.  I think I will go get a cup of coffee and continue this.  Everyone looks busy.  I can feel the winter coming on.  My joints are so stiff.  I took a couple of smuggled in advil.

There are so many stories to tell.  But I am still writing about nothing.  When I spring this joint, I think I will finish what I started “The Artist Way”.  This is what got me started on journaling. 

Yesterday was a quiet day.  I felt very together.  My head felt clear.

Tonight we have a little outing planned.  Dwight is going to get some more weed.  Guess I will replace drinking with pot.  The more I think about drinking the more I know it is something I should not do very much of if at all.  So there are things to work on.

I received a strange email from Louise, saying that my sisters did not exaggerate some of the shit they said I did.   They did.  They did.   Time to let this rest.

I am blessed regardless.

Ohm Shanti – Peace and blessings.

Sunday November 6, 2005

Things are starting to very much calm down.  Yesterday I spent the day relaxing at Janet’s.  Mom and Dad were there too.  I have been seeing so much of my parents lately.  We jokingly said we could use a break from each other.  It was Carol’s birthday.  We went to the races along with Diane, Lauren, Janet, Amanda and Courtney.  Diane won $2500 on the slots.  No one got too excited about this because money she has lots of.  We did get very excited though when number 4 came in.  I had given Courtney my ticket to hold and told her if it won she would get half.  She ended up going home with an extra $15 in her pocket.  She is going to use this to buy Holly a birthday present.  That kid always keeps me entertained.

I must admit I am still a little angry with some of my family members.  Mainly, I think because they abandoned me in the hospital with nothing, no cloths, toiletries, books, for so long.  Also because they did not trust my judgment about the storage situation with Dani and did what they felt was right.   Not what I wished.   Mainly though I am angry because I don’t think what they believe is true.

I‘ll get over it but I will be glad to talk to someone about it.

I’m at Carol’s today.  Tonight I will go to Diane’s for a bit.  I have nothing planned so far but going to CAMH on Monday.  There is an art exhibition at the convention center that I am thinking of going to see on my own.

I have my Toltec Oracle at Diane’s.  Maybe reading my cards will give me some insight on what to do?

I continually tell my Mom the truth about things that have happened to me.  My family is so closed minded when it comes to the unexplainable.  My Mom just says she doesn’t want to think about it.  I tell her she is my mother, she has to listen.

What has happened to me has some purpose.  I really do feel that it is logical that I am some kind of messenger – a modern day one and that come April I will have some work to do.  This is what Gonzo told me during my trip to Mexico.  The trip I still am unable to write about in its entirety.  Perhaps because I do not understand everything myself?  It is a mystery.  Maybe when I have my laptop I will start writing about some of my unusual experiences.  With pen and paper it is difficult.  There are just so many that my mind gets boggled.

I have been sketching a little.  I am very rusty.  Lauren is talented in so many areas.  This is where I get my talent from.

Wilson just came in for a scratch.  Time to go get a cup of coffee and read my Canadian House and Home Magazine.  The little things in life, this is what it is all about.  Maybe that is why I am not writing about the big mysterious ones.

I am very humbled by what has been happening.  I trust in God … now that is such a relief off of my shoulders.

“Morning has broken”, Think I will buy me a music machine (walkman or ipod?)

Blessings too numerous to count.

PETER GABRIEL :  IN YOUR EYES

June 17, 2007 ANGER

So now it is finally time for me to write about my hurt, my anger (which I have come to know is why I was depressed).  Anger turned inwards becomes depression.  I have a right to be angry.  I must become angry and yell it out loud and clear.  It will be the only way to save us as a family.  If my family can not hear the truth then they will lose me until they can open their minds to the fact that I have been terribly hurt by all that has transpired over the last few years.

I know, as I have said so often, that their intentions they thought were good.  But I also know that their intentions were misguided and guided by fear, which I have come to find out is put out there by the devil.

This is getting too serious … time for a cup of coffee and the 50^th cigarette I will have smoked in my sister’s home because I will no longer follow her rules especially when her rules are different for me then her.  She smokes and drinks in her home.

I will no longer follow the family rule of thou shall not say what we feel in case the other person can’t take it. 

My family must think I can take a lot though because this rule only applies to the rest of the family and not me?  Because, my God, in the last few years I have been treated like some imbecile that does not even know her own mind or what is good for Lesa.

Only when they can accept that perhaps Lesa does know what is good for her and by my making this public you will know that I am no longer afraid to say what I have been trying to say for so long now.

You do not have the right!!!

Also this book is about lessons.  This book is for any mother, father, sister, brother, spouse, significant other who interferes with their sibling, significant other, etc’s life.  You do not have the right to tell someone how to live their life and certainly not how to think. 

Please understand that my beefs are not about you as an individual but about your behaviour towards me… the ones that have caused me to feel so many sorrows.

How many times have I told you I don’t need your help?  All I asked for was your faith in me.

So now to continue with my anger, that has been turned inwards for nearly two years.  It is still difficult for me to write about it.  My heart is beating quickly.  I just took an ativan.  Yes, sometimes I do need a pill or a drink to calm my nerves.  There is nothing wrong with this.  Why do you think wine has been around for so long?  And while I have many beefs with pharmaceutical companies, there have also been some drugs that have been invented that have helped people through turmoil.  These ones need to be weeded out until we find more natural cures.

Once again I am avoiding the hurt.

I will start with a phone conversation I had with my sister, Carol, during my final week at Jean Tweeds, which I now refer to as Divinity School.

It was a very short conversation; we were allowed one 10 minute conversation.  I had used up five minutes talking to my nephew Adam.  Carol and I discussed my going home on Friday.  I mentioned to her that I would like some time to myself because after talking to so many women for so many days I really did need to clear my mind for a bit.  I said I would go to her place for dinner on Friday.  I mentioned to her that I was happy that now I could have a drink.  Her immediate reaction was to question me once again, as my family has so often done in the past.  To not believe me, to think she knows better then me what is right for me.

I was visibly upset but did not have the opportunity to get into it.  It was not the place or the time to vent my anger towards her.

I have to get over this in order to start my new life with no baggage.  Or very little anyway, because perhaps I will need to bring along a few things with me.

One of the counselors, Maggie, a sweet girl who reminds me of a marionette, saw my upset.  She talked to me kindly and I told her that I was disturbed because once again, regardless of what I said, or what professionals have told me, Carol could not believe that I am making an informed decision.  Why would I lie?  Maggie told me it was very important for me to talk to my counselor about this.  I mentioned to her that this involved one of the three goals I had made for the program.

Listen up and listen well.  I did not attend the program, as I have tried to tell everyone over and over again because my drinking was a huge issue.  I was self medicating and I needed to find out why.  And now I know, with out a shadow of a doubt, why I do this. I do this when other people, friends, family, whoever, doctors included, tell me what is right for me despite being me.

No one has the right to try and control anyone’s life.  If you are unable to accept this, and this is how it stands right now with my sisters, and I am not so sure about my parents and brother, and some questionable friends, then you are not allowed in my life.

If you can not accept me as I am, I can no longer tolerate this treatment.  I have just gone through nearly two years of not believing in myself because I listened to so many mistruths.

This will be a very long venting journal.  Also there will be little humour in it because this is not a subject to joke about or sweep under the carpet.  This is my circle’s white elephant and I am daring to get it out in the open.  I am once again being brave and am now self assured enough to know I will not let the fears of others become my fears.

The next day, after this phone call I attended a group therapy session.  Coincidentally the topic was about being hurt.  I did not realize at the time that I still had not gotten over the hurt.  The counsellors were very astute in getting to the root of the problem.

When it was my turn to talk, the whole truth came out on how I arrived at CAMH.  A place now I realize that I was destined to visit, not because I was a danger to myself and especially others.  My God, I can’t even kill an ant, never mind harm myself, but for other reasons that will eventually become obvious.  I knew when I was admitted that I was there for a reason.  I am sure you will find this in my medical records, because it was one of the first statements I made.

How anyone could go along with this is beyond me.  Any one that knows me should be able to see that I have a lot of strength.  However, I am also susceptible to believing what others say.  Another major hurdle for me is to learn is not to care about what others think.  This was the break through that my personal counsellor wanted to hear.  This was my battle scar.  This is my scar that needs to be healed.

I have a feeling that there will be people who will be incapable of hearing this.  So I am now practicing through this journal how to handle these situations.

So the details of how I arrived at CAMH without knowing where I was being taken to came out during the session.  I have mentioned this previously but honestly I thought I was going to a surprise going away party because I was taking an indefinite trip to Barbados.    I now know this was not an unrealistic journey to take and no one should have interfered.  What gave them the right?  But this has become one of those “reasons” or “proof” that Lesa you were really off your rocker.

My God, some of the justifications my family have made to prove to themselves that they were not wrong.  Here are a few of them.

When I first moved into my apartment Janet came shopping with me.  I was very happy and energetic and feeling very creative.  I was on a mission to have the apartment of my dreams.  Well I guess I tired her out because she wasn’t use to walking all day.  I was use to walking miles because I had been checking out the neighbourhood for a few months and enjoyed walking for hours… just like I have always done whenever I have been on vacation.  I do not know how many times this has come up in conversation in order for them to prove to me that I was not normal?

How everything started or where it started is not very clear to me.  But I do know that Carol was researching bi-polar and was in contact with Dr. Arani.  He called me once from home to tell me he was concerned about her interference. 

Perhaps it started when I started voicing my opinions.  I once got angry with my niece Amanda, because she invited a boyfriend over and did not include me in the visit.  I felt awkward and was slightly upset also that she was not contributing very much to chores.  When I wasn’t working I didn’t mind but I had been working in a very stressful environment so I thought it was time for some payback.  After voicing my opinions to Amanda she ran home to her mother and whether Janet thinks so or not I think I was justified in thinking that Janet in this case should have taken sides.  What is wrong with my family?  Why do they not take sides when the behaviour is obviously wrong?  It doesn’t mean they are condoning that person for life.  How was Amanda supposed to learn that people have boundaries that need to be respected if these mistakes are not pointed out?

And this has been done over and over again.  I don’t want to sound like an outcast but all I have heard over and over again from them is how I should lead my life and hardly ever has anyone taken my side when I do not agree with their version of what I should do.

Anyway, my discussion with the group led to my last conversation with Carol and how she did not believe once again what I was telling her.  Even though prior to going to rehab I was told that my self medicating problems were caused by triggers and once I knew what the triggers were Avril thought I would break the barrier.  Why can my family not hear this?  Should I have written a note and pinned it on myself.

When I finished my story, the group wept for me.  I wept for me.

When my sisters visited me at the center I joking told them “bet you I am the only one to go into rehab to find out they don’t have a problem.”   They didn’t say a word, as usual, so I assumed, as usual that they were starting to understand, and as usual boy was I wrong.

How many more times do I have to tell them the truth before they will believe me?  Well this is the last shot.

I am no longer arguing with you.  If you prefer to not believe me that is your prerogative but this time I am not going to believe something only I can know to be true or not.  If I am not treated with the respect that everyone in this world deserves then unfortunately we will both lose sisters and that makes me sad.  But I know now how dangerous it is for me to feel that I do not have control over my own life.

So when I arrived at Diane’s I called Jim to make arrangements for that evening.  Now that I think about it, he sounded like something was up that I was not aware of.   I didn’t think too much about it.  I called again around five thirty.  I had expected to hear from Carol or Janet by then.  I left a message but instead of returning my call I received a surprise visit.

Carol and Janet walked into Diane’s house sans wine.  I was once again hurt and extremely angry this time.  Once again they went behind my back, gossiped, as I have now found out at Jean Tweeds is very dangerous (perhaps that commandant about how thow shall not bear false witness does make sense to me now), and decided between themselves that they were saving me once again.  I am not stupid.    They created the problem, found a solution, and expected to be my saviours. 

Well if you know my family well you would never recall a Friday evening where we didn’t share a bottle of wine or two or three.  But of course they have rules for themselves and a different set for me.

It is not easy for me to write this.  There is a lot more I could bring up about the evening.  But once again I can not bear to recall it.  To say I was disappointed in their reaction would be an understatement. 

This evening was planned despite whatever I told them or whatever proof I have.  It is just too hard for them to admit they are misinformed and are protecting themselves from any responsibility they have played in my life.   

There are bigger fish to fry though.  This is what I have been investigating. 

The day prior to this I was once again brought to CAMH.  I am not certain why my counsellor wanted me to see a physiatrist for a reassessment.  I will have to get my records one of these days.  I was very upbeat and happy during my stay at Jean Tweeds, and I have come to understand now that enthusiasm, or spirituality, may be misconstrued for mania.  Any emotion that is not on the so called “normal” scale.

We waited for an hour or so to meet with a doctor.  Leslie, my counsellor was in attendance during the reassessment.  I answered all questions honestly.

The reassessment took approximately ten minutes.

Shrink:  Do you think of harming yourself?  

Me:  No (thinking why would I want to harm myself?) 

Shrink:  Do you think of harming others?

Me:  No (thinking I can’t even kill and ant)

Shrink:  Does the t.v. talk to you, are you getting strange messages?  (Something to this effect)

Me:  No  (thinking well when the sound is on and  I definitely do get messages)

Shrink:  Are you having racing thoughts?

Me:  No (thinking though I have a lot of creative ideas lately, what exactly does racing thoughts mean?)

Shrink:  Have you spent large amount of money lately.

Me:  No (thinking have been afraid to spend a cent least I end up as a bag lady)

Shrink:  Have you been promiscuous lately?

Me:  No (thinking haven’t slept with anyone for the past two years in fact)

Shrink:  Have you been sleeping irregularly?

Me:  No (thinking I have been on a very strict schedule while at Jean Tweeds.  What does sleeping regular mean anyway?)

Shrink:  Are you unable to concentrate or make decisions?

Me:  No (thinking definite no, I have made many decisions lately)

Shrink:  Are you more social or outgoing than normal?

Me:  No (thinking I have always been social and outgoing)

Shrink:  Are you more talkative or speak faster than normal?

Me:  No (thinking I am normally talkative.  What kind of question is this?)

Shrink:  Have you felt much more self confident then usual?

Me: Yes (thinking but that is the reason I am attending Jean Tweeds)

Shrink:  Have you done anything risky lately?

Me:  No (other than stepping foot in this place once again)

So having answered “No” to nearly all of the questions she asked me what I was doing there.  That was my question also.

First though she informs me that she wants to check my files.  She comes back approximately 10 minutes later and decides she has made a mistake and that perhaps I may be headed for a manic episode???

Well I must say this annoyed me.  How can you basically answer all the questions correctly and then you are told that you are to double up on the medication,  Seroquel, which has made my feet and legs swell, gain a lot of weight, and has given me high blood pressure? 

Is there anyway of proving you are not crazy?  I did not take her advice. 

Being back in this institution brought up many negative emotions.  I felt like once again I was being railroaded.   I started to think back…

Before I finish this journal I want to end off this entry with something that has already given me so much joy.  A present from my parents.  My best present ever and one that makes it easier for me to forgive all the mistruths.

One that makes me even forgive my sisters for once again calling my parents to come and save me. 

My parents brought me a new puppy!!!  This showed me that perhaps they may have some faith in me after all.  And what a puppy he is!  And can you imagine, not too long ago I was mentioning to the girls at Jean Tweeds, that I was planning on getting a dog when I move into my apartment!

TeePoo, a tiny Lhaso Apso, who is the cutest creature you will ever meet, in my opinion anyway.  He is also bilingual and a separatist (rebel), coming from Quebec.  He is smart, curious, kind, energetic, loveable, funny and a definite show stopper.  I always thought I would have a girl but I have a feeling this little male in my life will bring me constant joy and someone to love unconditionally.  Also someone who will love me unconditionally.  He reminds me of me.

June 18, 2007

TO:  JANET, DIANE ,CAROL

To say I am a little disappointed in you at the moment is an understatement.  I have had enough.  So read this loud and clear and respect that I have always told you the truth.  I do not plan on telling you any lies now.

First, why I am so deeply disappointed in you is that you would have to involve Mom and Dad in this.  Did you ask me if I thought it was necessary for them to come and "save" me.  What gave you guys the right to think that I need saving in the first place?  I am very confused.   I admit to having a problem with self medicating ... get it guys ,I am drinking because I am trying to get away from something that is bothering me ... something that is smothering me.  You may think what you are doing is with good intentions but they have just gone too far now.  Have you seen how Mom and Dad are so upset and so worried to take sides?  Do you think this is fair to get them in the middle of our problems?  I certainly don't.  But of course it is easier for you to blame my problems rather than yours on this whole fiasco.

You are the ones with the problems.  I fix my problems  ...  you ignore yours ... I have told you countless times that I was not going to Jean Tweeds because I was never allowed to drink again.  I was going there to find our what was my trigger.  Well I unfortunately found out that it is  your trying to control me.  What gives you the right to live my life for me?   What gives you the right to not believe me when I tell you  what professionals are telling me?  What gives you the right to tell me I am manic and deserve to  be locked up in a hospital again because I dare get angry with you? 

Have you ever once felt what it is like for me to have all my family members pointing fingers at me  despite me trying so hard to make a good and happy life for myself.   Do you really think I have done such a bad job?   If you do, I don't really care.  I was so very optimistic and happy before I came here.  Well, that certainly didn't last long.  But don't worry I will get it back.  Because also you have no idea how strong I am! 

How can  you go behind my back, once again, and discuss what you perceive to be my problem.   Why do you think I was so angry!  Once again I am being railroaded into feelings that I should never feel.

Face it guys you jumped the gun also with the bipolar.  You even had  me believing I was crazy.  Perhaps I don't fit into your square box ... but as Dr. Arani told me today, I am just a bit eccentric.  He also does not think I am biploar and if I am it is at a very low degree .   If you can't live with that, then it is your loss.  I refuse to socialize with you under your rules for me.  Take me as I am or don't take me at all because I will not go through another two years of feeling like I am worthless.  All our lives we have drank wine and ate and had a good time.  I don't recall every causing anyone any grief about this.  This is my business not yours.

So to hear that I am not allowed in your homes if I drink is so hurtful to me that I am at a point of maybe never wanting to see you again.  For Diane to give me three days to move out and find an apartment and if all my stuff is not out of the door she will send the rest to good will, is very hard for me to bear. For not one other sister to take me in for two weeks is beyond hurt.   This is the second time I have been kicked out by her.  How you guys forget all of the times I have taken you or your families in, and asked for nothing.  This is beyond cruelty.   You guys should be ashamed of yourselves.     

I will not let you get me down.

I have hand more than enough

Lesa

June 19, 2007

Lisa,

I am so sorry you feel the way you do, I believe in my heart all of us have done everything in our power to try and help you and support you, obviously you feel differently.

I believe that you do have a drinking problem and that you are bi-polar and that you need professional help, the alternative would be for me to believe that you are the most selfish, ungrateful person I know and that what you are doing to Mom and Dad and to our family would be unforgivable. I can not find it in my heart to believe that.

In saying this I want you to know that I will support you 100% if you want to seek out help, if you don’t then I have no choice but to cut off ties with you until you do.

So until you are taking care of the drinking problem and working with professionals to help you with your bi-polar, in what ever way you choose, I do not wish to receive anymore hurtful e-mails or phone calls.

Please know that this is the hardest thing that I have ever had to do in my whole entire life.

I wish you only the best.

Janet  

Janet

I believe you are the most misinformed person on the face of the earth.  I will have an extremely hard time ever forgiving you for this email unless you come to understand why you choose to treat your sister as if she is not someone you have known all your life.

What you have been doing to Mom, Dad and I is unconscionable.

I am so disappointed.  I thought we were closer than this. 

You are wrong on all counts and do not even dare to find out the truth in case you are not right.

I certainly do not need your 'SUPPORT"

June 19, 2007

JANET

I AM VERY UPSET.  DOES LESA HAVE TO HAVE A BANDAGE ON HER HEAD TO REMIND EVERYONE!

LESA IS GETTING PROFESSIONAL HELP.  WE ARE SEEING DR. ARMANI TONIGHT.   HE IS SETTING HER UP WITH A GOOD PSYCHIATRIST TO SEE ABOUT COMING OFF HER MEDS.

HE HAS THE REPORT FROM JANE TWEED (I.E.  LOOKING FOR A COUNSELOR, FINDING AN APARTMENT, SPIRITUALITY COUNSELING, FAMILY COUNSELING, NATUROPATH, ACUPUNCTURIST .... NOTHING ALCOHOL RELATED IS NEEDED, NOR FOR BIPOLAR)  AND THEY ARE SETTING UP HELP FOR HER.  I WILL ALSO GO FOR COUNSELING WITH HER.

I AM HANGING ON BY THE SKIN OF MY TEETH HERE AND ALL THIS HATE FROM DIANE AND NOW YOU HAS GOT TO STOP.

  

IF YOU CAN NOT BE POSITIVE THEN YOU MUST STEP ASIDE BECAUSE AT THIS TIME WE NEED THAT. LESA AND I ARE GOING TO STAY IN TOWN AND LOOK FOR AN APT. AND I WILL STAY WITH HER AS LONG AS SHE NEEDS ME.  I WORKED IN THIS FIELD FOR 20 YEARS AND WAS INVOLVED WITH HELPING MANY YOUNG GIRLS GETTING RELOCATED AND IF I CAN'T DO THIS FOR MY OWN DAUGHTER WHAT KIND OF MOTHER DO YOU THINK I AM!

DO NOT BLAME LESA FOR ANY OF THIS.   IT IS MY DECISION ALONE!

LESA IS MY  AND DAD’S RESPONSIBILITY.   LESA AND I BOTH KNOW HOW MUCH YOU HAVE HELPED BUT IT IS NOT HELPFUL WHEN THAT HELP IS GIVEN IN ANGER AND THAT IS WHAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING.

CAROL SAID I HAVE TO THINK OF MYSELF AND THAT IS WHAT I AM DOING.  I COULD NOT SLEEP ANOTHER NIGHT KNOWING THAT LESA HAS TO STAY SOME WHERE THAT SHE IS NOT WANTED AND THAT IS WHAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING .

MOM

        

June 22, 2007

Janet,

Hurtful emails.  What do you think this one is?

I would like you to know that I am at CAMH because they are re-diagnosing me.  They do not think I have bipolar either.  Also I do not have a drinking problem. 

If you still think I am selfish and ungrateful that is your prerogative.  But this has got to stop now.  I can not believe my family is doing this to me.

You have no idea how much this hurts me. You can pass it along.

Lesa 

Good morning all my Jean Tweed sisters,

I am missing some email addresses ... you know how organized I am ... not ... so if anyone can forward me Kate's, Jane's, Ellie's, Irene's it would be greatly appreciated.  Sure I have them somewhere but my stuff is filled in green plastic garbage bags .

Getting kicked out of all my sisters homes  so I have got to find a hotel for the next few days.   Not a lot of difference from how the rest of you are starting on your journey.  Time for something new!

Hope you are settling into your next journey without out too many disturbances.  Boy I have a had a few!  Anyway I well start with the good stuff.

My parents brought me the best possible gift imaginable.  A little wonder (that was my stone!!)  named TeePoo  (translated in French - phonetically Little Flea ) - he is bilingual.  He is a lapso apso, and the cutest pup I have ever seen, and I am not just saying that because I am a mother.  I always thought I would have a girl so this one will bring new challenges to me.  He is so smart, kind, cheerful, full of adventure and very curious .. he is a lot like me (lol)  He will not get much bigger then he is now - a size of a rat - and only makes little hard poos and little barks so I can take him anywhere.  He is my mascot and throughout my current ordeal has been keeping me laughing,

Also, I am quite sure I have found the apartment of my dreams.  A recently renovated house that also has an office and a den so I can write off business expenses.

Planning on moving July 1st and want to have a house and puppy warming party as soon as most of you can make it.  Can't wait to decorate it.  Of course I will have to try and convince him to let me repaint.   I need colour around.

So my Mom and I are going to look at it tonight and afterwards go to a hotel until I can move in.  This is the sad part.  Once again my sister's went behind my back and decided what was best for me.  Once again they did not listen to me and what I wanted or even what I was saying.  I told them many times I was not an alcoholic.  I told them that when I entered Jean Tweed it was to find out what my triggers where and once I found out I would then be able to feel ok about drinking at the proper times.  I was suppose to go over to my sister Carol's for dinner, instead both Janet and Carol come over to Diane's once again to save me from myself.  Jeez.   I really am getting sick and tired of this. 

Anyway I have learnt boundaries and I have learnt that anger is ok.  So I got angry with them and told them that once again they were overstepping their boundaries as they had done so often in the past and now that I have learnt some lessons I know that I have to do what I feel is right, not what they feel is right.  Also I have to learn how not to let their opinion bother me.  This is something I am having difficulty with.  Any suggestions?

My best friend can not even understand how hurtful it was for me to have my sister say to me the very next day when she came home from her vacation that I was to pack all my stuff, and if it was not all gone in three days she would send it off to goodwill and that my other two sisters felt the same way and I could not stay with them.  I am no longer allowed in Janet's house if I have a drink.  Something we have done all our lives but now I am the only one not allowed to do it.

I am trying so desperately to tell them it is not the need for alcohol  and that this is a symbolic thing for me ... that they once again have no faith in MY DECISIONS.  My life is my own to lead and if they feel they do not want to be part of it I feel it is their loss.  What else can I do?  Sure could use some counseling now.  Especially family counseling.  It is very important for me to feel they understand me because to just once again say ok I will do it your way will surely lead me into another depression.  Right now there are too many things I want to do.

They blamed me on hurting my Mom and Dad.  They called them all in a panic telling them I was manic and needed help. They were planning on bringing me back to the hospital.  Can you believe this!!!

And I am the one who gets the blame once again.  See what you are doing to the family  ... it is all your fault ... it is all about you.  So many hurtful things have been said to me and I retaliated somewhat.  I know I should have kept my cool but I have not had enough practice. I tell you at this point maybe I was a little manic .... or a lot mad is more like it ... but you see, if I am either too happy or too sad then something must be wrong.

I will not have a computer until my apartment gets set up so I hope I can hear from you.  I will have my cell phone 416-766-9355 (you can call collect and I will call you back).  I will look for internet cafes also.

Please let me know how you are all doing.  And please let's not break up this chain.  Sometimes it is all we have got.

Love you guys

your sister

Lesa

O hello Lesa!

What a great pleasure it is to receive news from you this morning!  It is really unfortunate however to hear that things have not worked out well with your family.  Stay strong sister love, tough times never last, tough people do!

I'm currently couch surfing in Kitchener -Waterloo, this is where my greatest supporter of my recovery is, my mom.  I am happy to be back and soon participating in an after care (post treatment) program.  I was so grateful to see Mike again and wonderful things have started to happen, just as the cards suggested they would.

 

I have to make this very brief because I need to be somewhere and I need to get myself up and ready, but I will be in contact again very soon, I will try to call you by tomorrow at the latest, I would love to hear you and I need to thank you for writing because I did not have your email.

So with much love and hope I will pray for you and I will get some of those addresses to you when I have more time.  Please remember that dreams come true for those who work while they dream! 

xoxox Karina

Hi Karina,

Glad to hear that all is well with you.  Guess I still have a few storms to weather.  Anyway, since there or no other viable options, unless I want to spend $1000's on a hotel I am checking into CAHM.  I think it just may be a perfect place to interview a few people for our website.  Wait till I tell you what my cards read!!!   This thing is going to be bigger than our wildest imaginations as long as we do not give up ... so now I will add on some more to our slogan:

W.O.W. N.O.W.

UNTIL WE HAVE

W.O.N.

Let me know what you think.  Getting calls is a lot more possible there ... but it is long distance and I know you are strapped right now but I will be checking my email.  Hope to have my own new beautiful place by August 1.  Denise M will be staying with me for a while.

Can't wait to meet your Mike.  Keep on searching for all those light bearers.  We need all the help we can get.

love ya girl

Lesa